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Loved Him, But He Just Used Me

Questioner

H

Reply Date

Sep 03, 2016

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuh. I’ve graduated recently. While in my final year of college, I got into a haram relationship with a senior student who was a Muslim, too. I have no justification for myself. All I can say is that due to the terrible influence of my irreligious friends, I took my relationship with this man too far and have committed all the sins possible. In my so called love for him I strayed away from Allah and His rules. Deep inside, I felt guilty but did nothing about it.Eventually, my parents got to know about this relationship and were furious. They tried to take me out of it, but I grew more stubborn. As a result of it, they started restricting my going out of the house and phone usage. But as I never let anything affect my studies, they could say nothing about college; therefore, I was in regular contact with this guy.But out of frustration, this guy began abusing my parents verbally. I kept quite first because I believed that he loved me and nothing else mattered. But over time, I couldn't take his abuse anymore and tried finishing it off with him. So he played these tricks and games with me and made me believe that my parents were the reason, and if I take an oath on the holy Qur’an that I'd marry only him and no one else, he will always treat me well. Like an idiot, I did it.But as soon as my college ended, my parents arranged my marriage with another guy. At this point, Allah gave me the much needed guidance to understand the wrong I had done. I cut myself off from the entire world and begged Allah to show me the right way. I stayed at my grandparents and was only praying and reading Qur’an. This went on for about a month.Allah, The Most Merciful, showed me the way finally. I found out that this guy had been with many girls and I was just used by him. I still feel terrible and sometimes hate myself so much for the pain I caused to my family and the fact that I still think about this guy. I really wanted to marry him.What can I do now about the swearing on the holy Qur’an? Will Allah forgive me for this? I read somewhere that if swearing on the Qur’an is not fulfilled, then compensation has to be done for it. Please, explain to me how I can do it. Marrying this guy is out of question because I don't want to hurt my parents anymore and have decided to just do as they expect me to do. Please, guide me as I am to get married within the next two months. May Allah bless you and give you the grace to show me the right way. Thank you. Allah hafiz.

Counselor

Answer


Loved Him, But He Just Used Me

Answer:

As-Salaamu ’Alaykum Sister,

God bless you on your journey and for gaining wisdom. As you said, marrying this brother is “out of the question.” I think you have come to realize this on your own. Sometimes, we must live out mistakes in order to become solid pillars on our path to God.

As to testifying on the Qur’an to marry this brother, we must consider the circumstances described. It seems you were in a “foggy state” and under the pressure and influence of a man with an unsound heart. Sometimes, when we are not thinking clearly, like in states of delusional “love”, we do things out of character. Don’t be too hard on yourself as this is part of the growing process for everyone.

Our religion is a balance between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. If we interpret everything literally, our religion would be dry and rigid. Our Prophet (PBUH) would forgive and show compassion more than demand justice or retribution. God’s most dominant attributes are Ar-Rahman (Most Gracious) and Ar-Rahim (Most Merciful). In a hadith qudsi (Divine Hadith) found in Muslim & Bukhari, God Almighty says:

“My Mercy is greater than My wrath.”

In other words, mercy and forgiveness are heavier in the theological basket than punishment. Literally, swearing on the Qur’an is a serious thing, but if your heart’s spirit was impure and your testimony was done without the fullness of your heart, it is debatable. The important thing is that you learn from all this and apply wisdom for your future. As humans, we are meant to make mistakes; it is part of our growth. As long as you are sincere and do the best you can to inherit God’s grace, in sha’ Allah your mistakes will be forgiven and transformed into good deeds. (Quran 25:70)

Your efforts of taking time away and deeply engaging in prayer and meditation for God’s forgiveness is a beautiful practice and shows that you are on the right track in sha’ Allah. To turn back to God and acknowledge one’s weaknesses and mistakes is a sign of the true believer. Sometimes, we must experience the ugly in order to love the beautiful and true.

good and bad split

“Sometimes, we must experience the ugly in order to love the beautiful and true.”

I am not sure what compensation you must literally give for a broken oath on Qur’an, especially if that was unrealistic and taken with certain states of mind. However, it would be good to continue to do good deeds with the intention of God forgiving you for all your previous wrongs including your oath. Kindly check out the links of our ‘Ask the Scholar’ section on swearing by the Qur’an below or write for them if you still have further questions related to the issue.

In consideration of getting married and pleasing your parents, remember to marry someone you feel compatible with and attracted to. Do not just marry anyone your parents tell you to only to “please them” or “make up” for what happened. You repented and should carry out your life with this new wisdom. Remember to follow the guidance of the Qur’an and Sunnah with your marriage procedure and avoid cultural customs that have nothing to do with Islam as this could lead to more mistakes and unhappiness. Marriage is a serious commitment and of the greatest oaths a person can make! Don’t use marriage as a way to compensate your past but as a way to build your future in sha’ Allah!

God protect you moving forward, and may He help you choose a good suitor, Amin.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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