Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for writing us. It is definitely a difficult situation to feel that you are coming between your mother on the one hand, and your husband on the other. Unfortunately, in some situations there is no way to please everybody.
I am not a scholar of fiqh, so I cannot comment on the rights of both parties involved. However, from what I do know, ultimately it is your husband’s choice as to whether he and your family live with his mother, your mother, or neither party.
It sounds as though your mother is lonely and not at peace with certain aspects of her life, which may be causing her to take her frustrations out on you and your husband. Your responsibility to her is to make sure that she is treated kindly and respectfully and that her needs are met. However, that does not mean that you are obligated to live with her, especially if your husband has chosen to live with his mother.
As such, I suggest you do your best to try and explain this to her and respect your husband’s wishes. Explain to her what Islam teaches regarding this matter. At the same time, however, I would try and help your husband understand that your mother is in need of your company, at least a few times per week, to help her deal with what she feels.
I don’t think the current arrangement, i.e. living with both mothers, is working, as it will cause strain on your marriage and own family. Thus, you might want to try and re-evaluate this arrangement before you end up doing harm to your marriage.
To give you an idea of how we should balance the demands from both parents and spouses, the following quote was taken from Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, a scholar from the Qibla Institute, in reference to a similar question regarding balancing the rights of parents and spouses:
“While kindness to parents is an obligation, unconditional obedience is not. Many Muslim cultures place a great deal of emphasis on deference to parents regardless of the elders’ behavior. In this case, you have to transcend cultural expectations of what a dutiful child must do. Your religious obligation is to be kind and respectful to your parents. However, you do not owe them unconditional obedience. And Islam certainly does not require us to tolerate abuse. Your parents’ behavior certainly sounds abusive. You have to balance between the rights of your parents and the rights of your wife…”
In this particular instance, the Ustadha was responding to a brother who was dealing with abusive parents in regard to his wife. Although the circumstances are different, it shows the importance of maintaining peace in one’s own home, and to not allow unconditional obedience to parents to come between spouses.
My point in showing this to you is to emphasize that you will not be able to please everybody in your own situation, and that at some point, your mother has to understand that you are not obligated to live with her, but that you will try and spend time with her and fulfill her needs as best you can. Ultimately, your husband’s wishes to live with his mother should be respected, I feel.
At the same time, Islam does not require him to live with his parents either although culture might imply differently. As long both parents’ needs are being met in terms of kind treatment, companionship, and maintenance, then your husband has done his duty.
Another alternative, therefore, might be for you and your husband to live independently of both parents, and to focus on making sure both sides are being treated well, without the pressure of having to choose to actually live with one or the other.
Salam,
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