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Husband Prefers His Parents Over Me

07 April, 2019
Q Assalamu Alaikum. I need your help for how to convince my husband to do things as per I like. On every matter, my husband does whatever his parents like. He says that I come after his parents. He meant parents are his priority over me. If I have different opinion than his parents, he will follow what they told us to do. And if I don't like what their parents said, he would be angry at me. Eventually I end up listening to him in order to avoid a fight.

In our life, things go as per his dad. But I believe after marriage a couple should do whatever they like. Please, help me how to make your husband listen to me. It affects me when he keeps on listening to his parents and not me. Even in my life matter, he would do whatever his parents said. He gives importance to his sister over me.

One more thing is that he is ready to spend so much money on his parents and sister (she is married and her husband earns very well to provide her and the kids). If I ask something for myself or my baby, he replies that “money doesn't grow on the tree”. He spends more on his parents than us. Whenever his mom asks for money, he is ready to give anytime. His dad works, yet his mom asks each and everything from my husband. His big brother earns more than my hubby. His mom doesn’t ask her elder son.

How to make him understand that he shouldn't spend so much on his parents? Please help me.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree.

•Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using “I statements”

•Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse.

•Understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way.

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As-Salamu Alaikum sister,

Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or “submissive” to the wives. Other than that, the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers.

I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go “unheard” and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. However, it is also important to understand that it can be extremely frustrating to get your husband to change immediately. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective.

Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive

Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. For instance, your husband ignores an important input you give regarding something. It is natural that you will feel put down and dismissed. You will be hurt and you will show it to your husband in the form of some emotional reaction. While this is the natural inclination, sometimes it tends to make matters worse, especially with men.

Husband Prefers His Parents Over Me - About Islam

So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. 

Be More Assertive

Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. Therefore, practice assertiveness when it comes to communication.

Communicate Using “I statements”

Assertiveness entails that you use “I statements”. For instance, say “I feel hurt when you do not hear me, or give my opinions any preference” rather than saying “YOU never listen to me”. Using “you” statements puts the other person on a defensive mode and the communication does not go anywhere.

Express Your Feelings

Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Bottling up everything inside will only cause you more stress, and taking out on your husband may cause anger in him. So, let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse.

Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective

Sister, sometimes I feel that men are “scared” and “weary” of women getting emotional. So, try looking at things from your husband’s perspective. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to “repay” them. Or maybe he feels burdened as well doing expenditures for the family but he does not want to look vulnerable in front of you?


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To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things.

Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy

I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husband’s heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your family’s financial stability.

I wish you all the best. 

Salam

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

He Wants a Wife Who Serves His Mom

Abusive Mother-in-Law Wants to Control Our Life

In-Laws Broke My Marriage

 

 

About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now