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He Wants a Wife Who Serves His Mom

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 23, 2018

Question

I need an advice. There's this girl (a friend of my cousin). She's been thinking of marrying the guy she knows from the past 4 years. They got into the argument about taking care of the house and his mother. The girl is very passionate about doing a job, but the guy is persistent in telling her she has to opt for a teaching job nearby no matter what. Because she has to wake up at six in the morning and wash clothes clean the house and cook meals because he doesn't want his mother to do anything.

He says he won't promise her that he'll treat her as an angel. Her main concern is not that she will hate caring for his mother but she is career-oriented and wants to work badly. He says the door is open if she doesn't clean and cook and opt for teaching. She loves him and is very confused and hurt.

Counselor

Answer


He Wants a Wife Who Serves His Mom

In this counseling answer:

• Evaluate the situation in relation to what Allah has designated marriage for.

• Envision her future life with him and ask herself if this is a man that could truly make her happy and bring her closer to Allah.


As-salaam Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand the situation, you have a cousin who’s thinking of marrying a guy she has known for four years. Based on what you wrote concerning the argument, the guy does not want her to have a career which she does want. The guy wants her to clean the house, wash clothes, and cook meals for his mother.

He also stated he won’t promise that he’ll treat her as an angel. I am wondering why he would say this. This is a worrisome statement from him.

Foundations of Marriage

While there is nothing wrong with cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes as these are chores that do need to be done and most wives do them happily, there is a problem as it appears that this is the main reason that he wants to marry her. He may be seeking somebody to take care of his mother and not really seeking a lifetime partner, a wife to grow with.

Based on what you wrote, there was no discussion of the future, children, sharing interests, nor any other foundations which are critical to a good marriage. His main focus appears to be securing the contract based on her services to his mom.

While we should look after our in-laws as we are to be kind and merciful, it should not be an all-consuming endeavor and the main focal point of marriage.

Allah created marriage so that we may grow together in mercy, love, kindness and be a cover for one another.  This means a deep commitment towards the other person’s happiness as well as compromises within Islamic boundaries.

Rethinking the Future

As your cousin is career-oriented and does enjoy working, it seems that this would not be the ideal situation for her. The most important point, however, is the boy’s reason for wanting to marry her.

As stated above, it appears his reasoning for marriage is to be to get somebody to take care of his mom and the house rather than form a truly compatible, loving marriage. Allah forgives me if I am wrong.

I would kindly advise you to talk to your cousin insha’Allah and ask her to evaluate the situation in relation to what Allah has designated marriage for. Please do insha’Allah ask her to make a list of what she desires from a marriage. From that list ask her to check off these things and qualities that this boy has.

In addition, please ask her and to envision her future life with him and to ask herself if this is a man that could truly make her happy and bring her closer to Allah. While no marriage is perfect, the fact that he is starting off with this demand even before the marriage is a red flag. It is also a blessing as it gives your cousin the opportunity to re-evaluate his motives as well as her needs in a future husband.

We wish her the best,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Is It the Wife’s Obligation to Serve Her Husband?

Feeling Like a Slave at My In-Laws’ Home

Should The Wife Serve Her In-Laws? (A Non-Muslim Asks)




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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