Since the very beginning, there was no love between me and my husband because he is a very rude and insensitive person. He is a doctor.
Also, my mother-in-law has never let us bond but still I gave my best to the marriage. I loved him dearly and also loved and served and cared for my in-laws.
Now it’s been 26 years and I still live with my mother in law and father in law because my husband says he cannot live without his parents.
Only my kitchen is separate from them. My mother in law uses bad language with me and has brainwashed the entire family. They are all against me including my husband.
I was the youngest in my house. My father gave extraordinary care and love to me because I used to get sick a lot.
Now when I tell my husband whenever I get sick, he is the least bothered and takes it normally.
My husband is very busy and when he comes home my mother in law takes most of his time and there is no time left for me.
I have three adult sons and they are all busy with their lives and hardly give any time to me which makes me even more depressed.
I feel so isolated and suffocated. I have always been very shy and introverted, so my physical relationship with my husband has been deeply affected by it. I don't like being intimate frequently which upsets, my husband, a lot.
All of these things have made me extremely aggressive. Now I get angry and I shout at my husband and sons which has drifted them from me even more.
When I get upset, I use bad language with his mother, which makes him very angry. He has given me the first divorce because of this.
This hurts me even more that he does not want me in his life, he just wants his mother.
My father in law is a cooperative person and I sometimes share things with him but he cannot do much.
I don't know why this is happening to me. I'm not an aggressive person. I lose my temper easily now and am becoming extra sensitive with time. I can’t tolerate my mother in law anymore. Her voice only is enough to make me angry.
Whenever something happens between me and my husband, all of my horrible memories start flooding my brain and I lose it. He thinks I am psychologically ill. My physical health is deteriorating and I hold them responsible for this.
But I want to forget about the past because now even when something is not happening those memories keep bothering me. I want to control my emotions and I want to make my relationship with husband better but I don't know how.
He's not very cooperative and never thinks about us. He doesn't want to take marriage counseling either.
I don't know how to get out of this mess.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Avoid becoming angry and responding to your mother-in-law in the same way. Instead, either respond kindly or at the very least remain silent.
Manage your anger by seeking refuge from Satan, remaining silent and changing position.
Improving relationship with your husband alone and engaging in self-care will have the knock-on effect of also improving the relationships that are strained.
Have counseling with a local imam as more of an informal discussion, rather than other, more formal, types of counseling.
Take care of yourself; do things you enjoy.
Encourage special time alone with your husband.
Assalam alaykum,
Masha Allah, you have been married a long time to your husband, but have unfortunately been experienced ongoing issues with him and in particular with your mother-in-law. This is a very common problem experienced in marriages.
What makes it particularly difficult in your situation is that you live with your in-laws, so you feel that she is taking a lot of your husband’s time. As a result, he is inattentive to you.
Based on the details you have included, there are a few things you can do to try and ease the situation, in sha Allah.
Dealing with difficulties with the in-laws
The best way to deal with your mother-in-law’s insults from an Islamic perspective is to respond back to it in a better way.
And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend. (Qur’an, 41:34)
That is, avoid becoming angry and responding to her in the same way. Instead of either respond kindly or at the very least remain silent.
This might seem incredibly difficult and will be in the beginning, but there is much wisdom in Allah’s words.
Remaining silent or even responding kindly is less likely to evoke any kind of response from her.
Responding angrily will only make her continue to think ill of you and respond again to you with bad words.
If you are kind to her, then it would be difficult for her to justify behaving negatively toward you.
Furthermore, it will make it clear to others that you are trying to patch up the relationship and she is actually the one being difficult.
In the best case scenario, it may even soften her heart towards you. She may see the kindness in you and desire to be kind back, or at least treat you with more respect and stop insulting you and spreading rumors.
Check out this counseling video:
Dealing with anger
When your mother-in-law is mean to you, it makes you feel angry. Again, there is some very useful guidance in Islam about how to deal with anger, beginning with seeking refuge from Shaytaan.
Narrated Sulaiman bin Surd: While I was sitting in the company of the Prophet, two men abused each other and the face of one of them became red with anger, and his jugular veins swelled (i.e. he became furious).
On that the Prophet said, “I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan.’ then all is anger will go away.”
Some body said to him, “The Prophet has said, ‘Seek refuge with Allah from Satan.”‘ The angry man said, “Am I mad?” (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Remain silent.
Ibn ‘Abbas reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Teach and make things easy and not difficult. When one of you is angry, he should be silent.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 245)
Change position.
Narrated AbuDharr :The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to us: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down. (Sunan Abi Dawud 4782)
Counseling
It is generally suggested that when a couple is facing serious ongoing problems, they should seek marriage counseling.
However, in your case having asked your husband, he has refused. This is unfortunate, but it is still possible to benefit from counseling.
Firstly, have counseling with a local imam as more of an informal discussion, rather than other, more formal, types of counseling.
There is often stigma around seeking counseling, so taking this approach and talking with an imam might avoid that if that is perhaps why your husband doesn’t want to attend counseling.
If this also doesn’t work, you can also seek counseling as an individual. This will give you the space to get all your frustrations off your chest in a safe environment.
You will also be able to work on your own side of the difficulties, focusing on your own anger problems and well being.
This alone could help to lighten the burden that you are presently carrying, even if your husband won’t attend with you.
Self-care
Self-care is very important for you at this time. It will help in many ways. It will make you feel better and more positive, which will, in turn, then impact on your relations with others in a positive way.
You might class counseling as an aspect of self-care.
There are also other things that you can do to take care of yourself too such as going out, getting exercise, taking up a hobby and spending time with others outside of the house.
This will help to ease your feelings of isolation too as you get socially active with others, doing something fun that you enjoy. It will make you feel happier and more positive.
As a result, you will be more cheerful with others and better able to control your anger also and better able to deal with difficulties more effectively. This way, even though it is not a step to directly dealing with relationships, it will do so indirectly.
Additionally, stress causes physical problems, so in sha Allah you should also find that as your psychological health improves through self-care, your physical health will soon improve too.
This will also contribute to overcoming your frustrations too as you feel physical, as well as psychologically fit.
Rekindle relations with your husband
It seems that a lot of the difficulties with your husband are a result of him giving more of his time to your mother-in-law whilst giving you little of his time.
To improve this, you could try and encourage special time alone between you and your husband.
It may be that you go out together just the two of you once a week or so. Or, consider going in a holiday together. Doing things like this will give the opportunity to be alone together without being interrupted by others.
This will strengthen the relationship and increase the love between you, in sha Allah. Perhaps it might even improve things enough that if you still feel you need counseling together that perhaps he would be more willing.
This way you could then work on strengthening your relationship within the home without allowing it to be affected by your in-laws
Summary
Overall, even though you have been married for a long time now, you are facing ongoing issues, mostly as a result of living with your in-laws.
There are several ways to approach this to ease the situation, starting by managing your approach to the situation by managing your anger and your response to your mother-in-law.
Parallel to this improving relationship with your husband alone and engaging in self-care will have the knock-on effect of also improving the relationships that are strained.
May Allah ease the difficulties that you are facing. May He bring peace and happiness into your household and improve relations with your husband and in-laws.
salam,
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