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I Think I’m a Lesbian

06 April, 2017
Q I have been struggling with my sexuality for a long time. I think I am a lesbian. One of the girls at the university has been quite nice to me and I feel I have developed feelings for her. I have never had sex or done anything bad and actually, the idea of having sex with someone scares me. It’s not that I don’t have a sexual drive, I am just incredibly anxious about sharing my body with somebody else. I feel so confused. I just do not feel attracted to guys. I am really scared as my parents already started mentioning marriage as I will inshallah graduate after a year. What do you advise me?

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

It is common for both men and women in their early years of adulthood to experience some kind of uncertainty about their sexuality. It is easy to mistake feelings of love towards another female as those that are more intimate in nature. It is also easy to mistake others’ kindness towards us as meaning more than what is actually intended. It can be quite difficult to distinguish between feelings of romantic love and those of a close friendship, so it is understandable if you perceive your strong feelings towards her as a desire to be more than just friends with her.

However, if the feelings you have towards another woman are genuinely beyond that of those you might hold towards a close friend or family member, and you find yourself desiring more than just friendship with her, then this is more of a problem. Obviously, as we know Islamically, intimate and romantic relations between two members of the same sex is forbidden, with one of the reasons being that it makes it impossible to have children. As a result, in this case, getting married as your parents are suggesting would be a good way to ensure that the feelings you have are channelled more appropriately to a man.

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The prospect of marriage is a frightening one for many reasons, including what you state here – the fear of sharing your body with someone. This is a good and modest quality to have and one that is well respected. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Indeed, we should be careful about who we share our bodies with, and that is why we are encouraged to dress the way we do in order to keep our modesty and not expose our bodies to everyone. Naturally, having been covered this way, you might be reluctant to expose yourself to anyone, even if it is your spouse.

Marriage comes with many changes and responsibilities, therefore, it is a daunting prospect to many. It may well be that the fear of change prevents you from having a desire towards men because if you do desire marriage, you will be subjecting yourself to this change that you fear. This may also be another explanation as to why you might be thinking you have feelings for this woman – because you know that you can’t marry her and, therefore, will not have to subject yourself to get married and face the changes that will come with it. These are some possible explanations as to why you might be feeling the way you are, but there are ways to get through it, in sha‘ Allah.

You can overcome this fear by taking it back to Allah (swt) and remembering why He (swt) encourages us to get married – for our own protection against sin, to have comfort, to share our lives with someone, and to have our physical and emotional needs met in a way that is most pleasing to Allah (swt).

Your parents are obviously more experienced in regards to marriage and, therefore, are aware of the sweetness of it that you haven’t experienced yet. You can trust that they have your best interests at heart. This is a good thing because it means they are interested in ensuring you marry the best person and will help you to do so. You can feel comforted that you have their support. As you attend marriage meetings and have the chance to interact with a man, or men, you might find that you have this opportunity to develop feelings for a man in a way that you didn’t experience before simply because you were not exposed to the opportunity.

Ask Allah (swt) to guide you and find comfort in remembering that He, The Most Wise, has encouraged marriage for a very good reason.

May Allah (swt) guide you on the straight path and make it easy for you to overcome your anxieties. May He (swt) grant you a spouse that will bring you ease and happiness.

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)