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I Wish I was Attracted to Women – Not Men

Questioner

I

Reply Date

Feb 18, 2018

Question

Salam Aleikom. First of all, you must understand that I am a good Muslim, inshallah. I am always repenting and trying to be a better Muslim. I am always trying to seek more and more knowledge about Islam, and I try to never miss any prayers. I am doing everything that a good Muslim is required to do - except one thing.When I hit teenage, my sexual desires were at the highest peak. To fulfill these desires, I turned towards whatever was accessible. At first, I thought this would be temporary, and before I knew it, I was completely interested in men ONLY. My desire to be with women died. The surprising thing is that during this time I fell in love with a girl but only emotionally. I repented a lot and prayed a lot and hoped that I would stop having sexual feelings for men, and that I would be interested in women again. I wished this way I could easily marry the girl I loved, without ruining her life. When this did not work out, I gave up for a year or two.Then one day I met a man and I fell in love with him, too. This was the first time I was involved with a man both sexually and emotionally. The man was soon to be married, and ever since then I decided that I would never be with any man again, and I will quit being homosexual. It’s easier said than done. I know for sure inshallah that I won't be meeting any men ever again because I want to fall in love with a girl who I can marry. Since this has happened, I have become even more religious than I was before.But the only thing that is still ruining my life is the fact that while I am emotionally attracted to women and willing to get married as soon as possible, and I am looking forward to having children, I cannot be attracted to women at all. On more than one occasion, I wanted to die.Before I became religious, I used to be extremely suicidal. I wished I was living in a strictly Muslim country that practiced strict shariah law, where if I confessed about my sins, I would be punished to death. But this contradicts with the fact that I am very thankful to Allah for giving me the life I have despite of being a flawed human I am.I would like to end all of this by saying, even to this date, I want to change. I constantly pray to Allah to turn my heart and let me be able to get married and keep my wife happy. I want to have children and grandchildren. I just cannot find a way to switch off the wrong things in my brain and make myself be attracted to women. I simply cannot break through into my religion and be one of those who will go to heaven. I simply cannot escape the hellfire and I am really scared. I constantly feel like I am running out of time. I fear that though I might not even be with another man again, I might have to stay single for the rest of my life, which in itself would be torture. Please help me!

Counselor

Answer


I Wish I was Attracted to Women – Not Men

In this counseling answer:

“Remember, getting married will not solve the problem alone; you must understand yourself more so that you have the ability to control and discipline your same-sex attraction.”


As-Salaam ’Alaikum brother,

We all have flaws and different journey’s to undergo, and this happens to be yours. Firstly, you should not assume you will “go to hell” because you are attracted to men. Allah has the power to forgive and heal anything, and you must never forget that. Thinking or feeling something is not a sin. As for the actual activity you have done, whether with a man or woman, if we repent and try to stay straight, with God’s permission, it will be forgiven.

Having same-sex attraction is difficult to work within Muslim lands because there is no professional therapeutic support for that. Sadly, in the United States, reparative therapy (helping those with unwanted same-sex attraction) is rejected by the scientific community and there are huge campaigns trying to shut it down. In the state of California, it is illegal for a licensed psychologist to offer this type of help! Psychologists are not allowed to openly research and question the different forms of homosexuality and prove that some are based on social experiences, not biology. Evidence for a “gay gene” is still yet to be absolutely determined, and at best what we have are theories on several variables including genes, hormones, and variation in brain regions.

One thing you must acknowledge is that your sexuality, as you described, at its peak was fulfilled with men, thus you have created an association of sexuality with men. However, with time and ideal therapy, you can become in sha’Allah sexually aroused by women as it is ultimately your nature. I have personally worked with brothers who had same-sex attraction and are now experiencing wholesome marriages. It is possible and you should have hope. In reality, same, not all, same-sex attraction goes completely away, and in some cases, they diminish and/or can be controlled.

Sexual desires are a very powerful force, especially when we are young. Like heterosexuals, the desire to be with women, even if one is married, usually remains, and man must exert his discipline not to transgress. Similarly, you are sexually attracted to men and are in the same sexual struggles as heterosexuals, but the difference is the object of sexuality.

I encourage you to join an online help group for same-sex attraction and research as much as you can to learn and understand what you are going through. One reference I can provide is this website. Dr. Nicolosi is one of the founders of reparative therapy in the United States. In addition to learning and understanding, keep up with your purification of heart and religious practice as this will help alleviate you, in sha’Allah. If you can see a therapist with this specialization please do so. Remember, getting married will not solve the problem alone; you must understand yourself more so that you have the ability to control and discipline your same-sex attraction.

May Allah make it easy for you and everyone with same-sex attraction journey, amin.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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