Answer
Answer:
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum,
I feel your pain! Your situation is very serious! To gain the strength you need to deal with it, remember that tests, paradoxically, are good for us, because their pain makes us strengthen our relationship with Allah (swt). By them, Allah (swt) enlightens us.
Your situation is also difficult in two ways: it is confusing because your wife claims that she was victimized and isn’t guilty. Furthermore, she claims that her victimization of being raped lasted for 3 years. As we do not want to punish a victim, you need to find out the truth, if you can.
Please remember as you embark on that path, the deep love you felt for your wife may cloud your thoughts; none of us wants to find out that the deepest love we have ever known was an illusion. “Rude awakenings” are not easy for anyone. Again, remember that it is spiritually healthy for us to be tested. Rude awakenings are about the truth and reality, and since Allah (swt) is The Truth and The Only Reality, they bring us closer to Allah (swt), In Sha’ Allah. So, to pass this test, strive not to go into denial, preferring fantasy to reality. The school of hard knocks is the best school in the world. Wisdom comes from practicing the lessons that we hear in lectures from our parents, teachers, and mentors. That is the “nature of the beast”, so to speak; the “beast” being this world.
To me, your wife’s arguments sound fishy because, initially, she said it was consensual and later changed her story. However, sometimes victims defend their perpetrators out of fear of them – and fear for them because the perpetrator will suffer if caught. Ironic, isn’t it?!
Also, I am having trouble believing that your wife was victimized for 3 years. That is a long time for a rapist to subjugate a victim who is adult and free. So, to protect yourself from doing anything wrong, do what Allah (swt) orders: 1) make Istikharah prayer, and 2) follow the protocol in the Qur’an regarding how a spouse, who has been falsely accused of infidelity, can swear by Allah (swt) to exculpate his/herself (Qur’an 24:10-20). Remember, lay people are not supposed to make “judgments” (fatwas) – only a qadi (judge ruling in accordance with Islamic religious law) can do that. Regarding all of the above Islamic rules, it’s very important to consult your local imam before following my advice.
Besides that, recognize that while your situation is extreme, nonetheless, it does have all the defining characteristics of a test. A test helps you figure out what is right in a difficult and confusing situation. Another more important reason for a test is to see whether we seek Allah’s (swt) help because He (swt) knows and we do not.
I am sure you feel overwhelmed by this situation, but remember that Allah (swt) does not ask more of us than we have the strength to bear. However, that does not mean that we can bear it alone. There is no power or strength except in Allah (swt). Therefore, ask Allah (swt) for His Strength, in sha’ Allah, because your love for your wife is so intense that you are going to need help from Him to get you through this (if you determine that your wife is lying). If you determine that she is not lying, it is still going to be hard to move on!
So, you need to ask Allah (swt) for understanding of what to do. Again, difficulty is good for us, so, God (swt) forbid, don’t become jaded, or untrusting of everyone, or distrusting of yourself; those outcomes would be shortsighted. The outcome that you are looking for is enlightenment about the reality, about what Allah (swt) created in His world to test us; how does the world really work? That knowledge will make you more perceptive and spiritually healthier, in sha’ Allah.
If you determine that your wife was victimized, then you need Allah (swt) to guide about how to deal with that phenomenon. Apparently, she is very weak, thus completely susceptible to coercion! Maybe, she has such a bad self-image that she needs attention to make her feel good about herself. Maybe, the opposite is true, and she is so proud that she needs attention to maintain her overblown ego, which is actually the same problem just inverted; she only feels good about herself when others “love” her, because she does not love herself.
I don’t know what her problem is, but 3 years is a long time to be subjugated to a perpetrator – especially when she had a loving, understanding husband at home! To pursue those lines of investigation, therapy would probably be a useful tool. But remember, not all therapists are created equal, so to speak. Don’t be surprised if you have to “shop around” to find the right fit. Non-Muslim therapists can be problematic when they don’t agree with our way of life. Muslim therapists can be problematic when dealing with the “haram”; they don’t ask questions, and as a result, victims can get blamed and punished.
Also, you will need Allah (swt) to help you know what to do with your brother. No matter if your wife is guilty or not; he definitely is. You may have had an emotional attachment to him throughout your life, but now your love and respect for him are probably disillusioned. You may decide that you want (or need) to report him for raping your wife.
The fact that your wife feels guilty (crying very hard in her prayer, asking Allah [swt] to forgive her) is very good, of course. However, if the affair was consensual, then ask Allah (swt) to give you the strength to do what is necessary. Even though your wife feels guilty and you had such strong feelings for her, the adulterer is not for the non-adulterer, and we are not supposed to let compassion inhibit our ability to be firm against this sin (Qur’an 24:2-3). Again, please confirm these recommendations with your local imam(s)!
Lastly, remember, Allah (swt) works in mysterious ways. When we ask of Him, He (swt) often tests our faith by answering us in ways we don’t understand. Of course, He (swt) will answer those who ask of Him; however, He (swt) may not answer in the way you want or recognize. If your problems don’t miraculously disappear after you ask of Allah (swt), remember that internal enlightenment is also an answer. Most of us don’t think of that when we are suffering; we just want Allah (swt) to make our problems go away.
May Allah (swt) give you the guidance and strength you need to do the right thing regarding all these very serious and difficult decisions ahead of you.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.