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Tricked into an Affair with a Married Muslim Man

Questioner

D

Reply Date

Jun 29, 2017

Question

Let me start by saying that I am completely embarrassed by the situation I have found myself in currently. I met and spoke to a Muslim man for many months online before we met in person. He was on a dating site and presented himself as "single" and looking for a serious relationship. I even asked if he was married to which he replied "no". However, after becoming more involved over time and meeting his friends, I fell very much in love with him and made it clear I was ready for a commitment. To make a long story short, after several days of avoiding my questions, he announced that he had been married to a bride who was chosen for him a few months prior to our meeting. He is now trying to bring her to the US. Forgive my ignorance on the Islamic traditions, but I know in my Christian upbringing that adultery is very frowned upon, and I am devastated that I was tricked into this situation. He does not tell me anything about her and acts as if it is not an issue. He even went so far to suggest that his wife could some day be my friend, and he would be willing to arrange for me to meet his brother as a potential husband. Could someone please shed light on what in the world this man is thinking? He says he loves his wife; however, I do not understand how he can do this if that is true in any way. I have ended any short of talking as I am a Christian, and I am truly remorseful for my part in this affair. Had I known, this would never have happened I assure you. Please explain to me what will happen to him if his friends tell his wife. The only thing he kept telling me was that he was sorry, but he couldn't hurt his mother who apparently arranged the marriage after his father died.

Counselor

Answer


Tricked into an Affair with a Married Muslim Man

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I want to begin by saying that I am very sorry that this happened to you. It is very apparent that you had no intention having a relationship with a man who has already been married. It is obvious that he was not open and honest with you from the beginning of your relationship and shame on him for his dishonesty and lack of integrity and respect for you, his wife, and for himself.

I cannot tell you why he did what he did. The reality is that there are many people in this world who behave with integrity and respect and others who do not. It seems from how you have described this man, he is from those who do not behave with integrity and respect. Please do not confuse this man with the values of Islam because he clearly has crossed the lines.

You mentioned, “Forgive my ignorance on the Islamic traditions, but I know in my Christian upbringing adultery is very frowned upon, and I am devastated that I was tricked into this situation.” Just as adultery is frowned upon in Christianity, it is also forbidden in Islam. It seems like this man did not care to follow Islamic teachings, and that is entirely his choice. He has (and will continue to) hurt many people by his poor choices, and you have every right to feel devastated and betrayed by his dishonesty.

From your written question, it is apparent that you are appalled by what he had done, and you are seeking to understand why he acted the way he did. Unfortunately, we do not always know why people behave the way they do. He is the only person who could answer that question. It does seem apparent that based on his actions he probably lacks insight into his behavior, and, as a result, has made a lot of poor choices. The choices that he makes in his life will no doubt affect him and the people around him, and you absolutely made the right choice by leaving him.

Please allow yourself to heal from this ordeal. It seems you are a person who behaves with values and honesty. Continue to live that way, and hopefully, you will be with someone who lives the same way that you do.

Peace be with you.

***

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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