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Pious Husband Betrays Me: I Feel Lonely

Questioner

L

Reply Date

Jan 14, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum. I have been married for 17 years and have 3 children. Recently, I have noticed a change in my husband. I think he is having an affair and he has also committed adultery. He also seems very depressed. I have asked him several times why he is acting like this but he keeps denying it. I am very hurt and feel very lonely and the pain is unbearable. The worst thing for me is that we have just returned from our second Umrah when he did this. He has also performed Hajj before and prays regularly. How someone of this nature can commit such a sin is beyond words. I feel helpless and don't know what to do or where to turn. I can't do anything without proof. I'm just waiting for a sign from Allah before deciding what I should do. I'm very confused and scared for my daughters as I never imagined our family unit would break up. What are the women's rights in Islam concerning adultery and cheating husbands? The thing is that I think he wants to marry this woman as he seems totally in love with her and no longer interested in me.

Counselor

Answer


Pious Husband Betrays Me: I Feel Lonely

In this counseling answer:

“Please do not think that seeking counseling is a weakness on your end. It is the contrary! Seeking counseling means that you are proactive and vigilant about being present in your life and making informed decisions.”


Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about the current state of your marriage and the extreme loneliness and frustration you feel. I ask Allah to ease your pain and help you overcome this difficult test.

Sister, you have mentioned that your husband had committed adultery and is in an extra-marital relationship. You also say that he is no longer interested in you and has been denying this relationship with another woman. What proof do you have that your husband is cheating on you? When did you find out about this? When did you start noticing that your marriage has been deteriorating?

The ideal thing to do now is to seek marriage counseling with a trained mental health professional (i.e. clinical social worker, psychologist, professional counselor, etc.) A trained counselor will help the both of you better understand each other’s feelings and will encourage open and honest dialogue between you and your husband. It will also help you both understand what happened to your marriage and what you both need from each other to make things better (if that is truly what you both want). Sit with your husband again and let him know about this option. Talk about it openly with him and have an honest conversation about the state of your marriage and what you both really want.

I am sure that this situation is very difficult, and there will come a point in which you will have to decide what to do about your marriage. Islamically, we know that you are able to divorce your husband due to adultery. However, before making any decision, consider whether he wants to end his extra-marital relationship and if he is open to improving things between you and him. This is where marriage counseling can be so vital for the both of you. Both of you need to get the answers you deserve and find out if you both want to save your marriage.

I would recommend that you also consult with an imam about your situation. Give the counseling a chance and give your husband a chance to improve things from his end after some kind of intervention takes place (counseling, imam consultation, having honest conversations with him, etc.). After giving things time, then decide which route you want to go.

However, before making any decision, you must consider all the negative and positive aspects of each one. I would also highly recommend that you go to a counselor and participate in counseling for yourself to give yourself direction and to better understand your feelings, how they relate to the situation that you are in, and how that relates to your decisions. Please do not think that seeking counseling is a weakness on your end. It is the contrary! Seeking counseling means that you are proactive and vigilant about being present in your life and making informed decisions.

May Allah give you the strength and courage to take back your marriage, your family, and your life.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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