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Deceived by a Married Man

Questioner

U

Reply Date

Feb 13, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom. I was deceived by a married man who cared or pretended to care for me. I really don’t know what he felt for me as I am so much depressed and confused. I’m also married but faced up and downs in my marital life with my husband and in-laws. My husband isn’t a bad person; he just never cared about my feelings. He feels he is better with his family; he trusts them more than me and my child. I worked a lot for my home but after the birth of my child 10 years ago, I saw that my efforts and contributions weren't appreciated. As a result, I started to ignore him and we drifted apart. When I met this married man, we started as friends, but Satan was stronger and led us to temptations. I left my home to be with this man as he claimed he didn’t love his wife and they were not intimate for years. He even swore on the Quran this was true. Allah knows best. He said his wife left home but is back now and is creating problems, so now he wants me to go back to my husband. I can’t as I left for so long, but I’m officially still married to him. I lost everything for this man: my honor, my image, and he is hiding behind his wife. He promises to come to me and swears on the Quran he doesn't love his wife at all, but about many other things he has lied to me. I don’t know what I should do. I love him too much and hate him at the same time. He provides me with everything, yet he doesn't dare to be with me. He says he is evil, and he knows he hurt and betrayed me. I doubt even that his wife left home. Please advise what I must do. We stopped sins. I pray a lot as always but still find myself nowhere. I don’t know if I feel love for my husband. This has gone for so long. I just feel sad and sorry for him. He did hurt me many times when I was with him by not trusting me and caring for me. I don’t need his sympathies as I am also so much hurt in my life. I have lost everything.

Counselor

Answer


Deceived by a Married Man

In this counseling answer:

“While I understand the pain of love and heart back is heavy, and it seems like things in life will never get better, time will heal. These sour experiences will help you have a sweeter tomorrow through the wisdom you have gained from these mistakes. Remember, we are spiritual beings in human experiences and the soul is what helps us endure what the body and mind cannot burden.”


Salaam sister,

I am sorry to hear about your grief and the difficult journey you are in. Human nature, in my opinion, seeks meaning and value in life. If we do not feel this from our loved ones, it can leave us feeling empty and lost. When this happens, we seek to fill the void through other relationships that can fulfill our sense of value again. Despite your particular psycho-emotional variables, the reality is that you and this man had an affair and with that comes no good. Unfortunately, you are now reaping what has been sowed. But do not despair. Allah says in the Quran:

“And seek forgiveness of Allah. Indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.” (Quran 4:106)

There are a few options to consider at this point:

The first one is to remain married to your husband, if you choose, with the hope that he can forgive you for the affair. If he is open to forgiveness, then the next step is cultivating the fulfillment you two need which caused the affair in the first place. This will require long-term marital therapy, but with patience, the rebuilding of trust, and sincere efforts, there may be a chance, in sha’ Allah. I recommend you review this website to get started on affair recovery.

The second option is to wait to see if the man you had an affair with actually wants to move forward with his partnership with you. You can give him more time and see if he is willing to marry you and you are still willing to marry him. While this new marriage will come with its own baggage and issues, due to the fact that each of you is breaking up your previous marriages, perhaps it can also find some success with sincere efforts and commitment to one another, if your bond is true of substance.

The last option is to get divorced from your current husband if you really are unhappy and neglected, regardless of getting remarried. In this case, you will need to consider practical options on lifestyle and family support. Review your legal rights and get your extended family involved in the process. During this time you focus on providing for yourself and purifying your heart and soul before Allah and see what life unfolds for you as far as future partners.

While I understand the pain of love and heart back is heavy, and it seems like things in life will never get better, time will heal. These sour experiences will help you have a sweeter tomorrow through the wisdom you have gained from these mistakes. Remember, we are spiritual beings in human experiences and the soul is what helps us endure what the body and mind cannot burden.

God makes it easy for you and yours.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

His Betrayal Makes Me Dislike Islam

He Betrayed Me; I Can’t Trust Men Anymore

Avoiding Suspicion After Previous Betrayal




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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