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My Husband’s Promises to End His Affair

Questioner

C

Reply Date

May 19, 2017

Question

I have a serious problem with my husband. I got married to him in 2011, and everything was fine between us. In 2012, I discovered he was having a friendship with a non-Muslim married lady who was residing in the US. I confronted him, and he said she was an old classmate from his college days. I let it go at that time. Later, I found out that he repeatedly kept talking to her. I even saw their conversations which were beyond the limits of friendly talk. I again confronted him, and he apologized saying that he would have no communication with the lady. Despite my repeated persuasion to stop doing all this as it is not permissible, he still continued talking and chatting with her. I even asked his mother to intervene, but she was of no help. Now, suddenly my husband started making business trips often to one particular city, and upon investigating a little, I came to know that the lady moved to that city, and he visits her often. I confronted him again, but he just says he won’t do it again. I don't believe him. I left his house and went to my parents' place. I also have a son who is 3 years old. Have I done the right thing? How shall I solve this problem? Please suggest what should be done in this case. He always apologizes but repeats the same thing again, so I don't trust him now.

Counselor

Answer


My Husband’s Promises to End His Affair

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

Verily, you are in a difficult situation. It sounds like you have tried to counsel him and point out the error of his ways, yet he still repeats his actions. Now, it has gotten to a point that you left the house and are staying with your parents. It is understandable that you do not trust him if he keeps breaking his word. I think going to your parent’s house was a good move. This will help your husband realize his family is in jeopardy. Hopefully, he will acknowledge that his activities cannot persist if he wants to keep you in this marriage.

It is important to ask why you think this is happening? Did you two get married out of love and free will? Were there needs in the marriage that were not being met? This does not justify your husband’s actions, of course, but through understanding, relapse is likely to occur. I would suggest working with a marriage therapist to get to know the source of the problem and to successfully solve it, in sha’Allah.

If he still persists, it is understandable if you consider divorce since this is not a marriage that any woman would want to be in. You may need to offer him some ultimatums so that he takes you more seriously.

If you have hope in this marriage and would like to keep trying patiently, then these are some tips I can offer:

Get other family members involved besides his mother. Preferably male figures that he would have to respect their advice.

Your husband has to acknowledge he is having an illegal affair and that he must choose between his family and his other partner. Remember, if he is absolutely having an affair, chances are he is going to deny it because he can’t stop. Soon though, the initial highs of having an affair (much like a drug addiction) will begin to dwindle and he may recognize it was a big mistake.

If you go back home, you must have him commit to building trust with you again. This means he has to avoid these activities and remains completely transparent with you. First, he has to cut off all ties and communication from here. Erasing contact info and blocking the numbers. Maybe even getting a new phone.

When being away from home, he has to remain in consistent communication with you. For example, he texts and calls you when he is away to give you the security that he is not involved in anything haram and you always have a good sense of where he is.

He will need to spend as much time with you and your child as possible. After work, he comes home. This will enable your sense of security, trust and his dedication to you.

If Islam plays an important role in your lives, remind him of the Quranic warning of our bad deeds and that we will be accountable for what we do before God. Furthermore, anyone who corrects their ways and sincerely repent, in sha’ Allah, God is Most Forgiving and Merciful. There is always hope to come back from our mistakes as long as we take responsibility.

Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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