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I Cheated on My Careless Husband & Left Home

08 April, 2017
Q Salam. I’m a married woman and mother of a nine years old girl. My marriage to my husband was arranged. Things have not always gone on smoothly between him and me due to either his family’s authoritative interference in our marital life and their possessive control over him or his lack of communication and belief in my capacities and advices.Except for food, he very rarely spent on me and my daughter; therefore, I work and afford myself. Although he is a good man, usually calm and prays five times daily, he seldom communicates properly and finds excuses to listen to my feelings; however, I still wish he understands my longing for him. I have tried to save my marriage from any temptation, but due to my husband’s uncaring behavior and the fact that his family is poking their nose in our affairs, I have fallen into sins.I met a man around 7 years ago at work. After sharing our feelings, views, and opinions, we fell in love. I must say what he has been doing and caring for me and my daughter my husband has a long way to go to match him. He also faced similar problems with his wife.We approached that sin, and since we sullied ourselves we decided not to stay with our life mates because we cheated on them. Now he has bought and put me in a house and does his best for me and my daughter. I’m waiting the time my husband releases me from the bond which united us, but since he doesn't know the proper truth for my going away, he is trying his best for me to return home. He thinks that I left home only because of his selfless behavior towards me, but this is partly another reason. The main cause is that I sullied his bed.I don’t know what to do. Is it better to go back home and not disclose the truth to my husband even if I know that his family will despise me more, and he won't change himself for me? I have stopped to get closer to that man to avoid sins. He just cares for my and my daughter’s needs and affords us everything. Now my husband is going umrah, and after he comes back, I wish to tell him the truth about what I did so that he can decide whether he releases me or forgives me and takes me back.Please advise me what I should do. I used to be a virtuous wife as I had always had illusions my husband would be a caring, protective, and true man and husband; but on the contrary, he has always given me very little support. The only thing which gives me happiness and peace is my daughter.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

Here is my advice based on what you shared. I have listed them as practical options for you to reflect on and I pray to Allah to guide you to the best means and outcome in sha’ Allah.

Going back to your husband without telling him of your affair: The reasons why you had an affair are truly known only to you and Allah sister. However, generally speaking, people have affairs because their needs are not being met. These needs can be physical, emotional, financial or psychological. By “needs” I am referring to healthy patterns of interaction, nurturing and providing; things we cannot live without. You alluded to this in your question that you feel neglected in many departments of personal needs. If you go back to your husband and try to work things out through counseling and using marital resources online to get your needs met, this can work, provided you both are willing to work on the marriage. You do not have to tell your husband that you had an affair, especially if (1) you have repented to Allah and feel ashamed and have committed to never doing it again and (2) it will inhibit the chances you have to work on your marriage with your husband.

Going back to your husband and admit your affair: This option includes all the work to get your needs met in option; however you will admit to your husband that you had an affair because you felt neglected and sought your needs outside the marriage wrongfully. This can work for you or against you. It may make your husband want a divorce and end things right away, or it may awaken him to the gravity of his neglect and realize he has to do something to save his marriage. If he decides to work on the marriage, you will also need affair recovery therapy in order to rebuild his trust in you. Otherwise, he is unlikely to feel committed and secure in the marriage moving forward, let alone work on things with you in a productive manner.

You insist on a divorce because you have already made up your mind: that you “want out” and want to be with the man you had an affair with. The man you had an affair with probably has the qualities you are looking for in a husband, but you need to ask yourself:

“Can my actual husband become more like him?”

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“Am I leaving my husband out of guilt?”

“Am I having an affair because it is easier to find someone else than to work on what I have?”

You have the choice to move on and begin a new life with the man you had an affair with. However, you do run the risk of not having blessings in that marriage due to it beginning on an unlawful step and breaking up your current family, but this is known only to Allah. If you and your new partner try to make things right and fear Allah in your dealings, then it is possible to be successful and maybe it is what is best for you.

Ultimately, you have to be both practical and spiritual in your decisions and recall that you will meet Allah one day and be asked about your choices. Thus, you must be certain that you are doing what is best for your faith and children and not what is most pleasing to your passions. But before you make any decision, never forget to seek Allah’s help by praying the istikhara prayer.

May Allah (swt) help you!

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

More from Counselor Karim Serageldin:

Husband Cheated on Me & It’s My Fault

Husband Watches Porn & Ignores Me

 

How to Tell My Wife I’m Depressed?

About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting