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Husband Is A Lady’s Man

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 28, 2016

Question

As-salamu `alaykum. Thank you for such a wonderful site. I have a question regarding my husband. He seems to be keeping many secrets from me, including talking to other girls. He is a ‘lady’s man’ and is addicted to sex. Since we have three small children, am I allowed to search his belongings and his e-mail, without him knowing so I can find out what he is actually doing? In addition, what can I do to have my husband stop insulting me, telling me I am ugly, fat, and stupid? What du`aa' (supplication) can I make? He is mentally abusing me and I have become such a sad person compared to being a friendly, happy person before we got married. He is also addicted to gambling. What can I do to help him take the influence of the Devil away from him? Please advise me as I am hurt so much. I do not want my children to learn that this is the way to live. I want them to have an Islamic upbringing and know right from wrong. Thank you in advance and, in sha’ Allah, you keep this site going and helping many people in need.

Counselor

Answer


Husband Is A Lady’s Man

Answer: 

As-Salamu `Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us. We make du`aa’ that we are able to continue offering help to you and others who seek out our services, in sha’ Allah. You are to be commended for maintaining such a polite tone despite the frustrations you are experiencing with your husband. May Allah Most High grant you patience and guide you to help your husband, in sha’ Allah.

First, there are several issues to be addressed, but we want to begin with the fact that you feel your husband is mentally abusing you. Such behavior is not acceptable according to Islamic guidelines and, therefore, you have to do everything in your power to stop your husband from abusing you. Realize that with each day you accept his abuse your own moral will weaken. Ultimately, you could reach a point of no return whereby you want nothing but to leave your husband. Take his behavior seriously and try to get some help immediately. Talk to him and tell him that he needs help. Offer to go with him to see a counselor. If he refuses, suggest him at least to meet with the local Imam. If he refuses that as well, then you have no choice but to involve his family and yours in helping you resolve this matter.

Second, there is no excuse for him to be talking to girls, although we are not sure what you mean by “he is a lady’s man” The only lady in his life is you! If, somehow, he has forgotten that, then he needs to be reminded that in no uncertain terms. What evidence, if any, is there that he is “addicted to sex“? Is the problem that his sexual drive is overwhelming you, or is it that he has sought to meet his sexual needs outside of the marriage?

If you suspect that he is having extramarital relations, you should stop having any sexual contact with him until and unless he agrees to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. You are not selfish, but rather looking out for the welfare of the entire family. If you have been overly polite and shy in writing to us about more sinful actions on his part, then there is even more cause to be concerned.

We would never suggest that you should search his belongings or his e-mail without his knowledge in the hope of finding out what he is doing. Why? You need to be able to establish enough trust in your relationship so that your husband tells you what he is doing. This sounds ideal and one might ask when would that ever be possible? Well, it might not be possible. However, if you go searching for information, what you find out could hurt you even worse. Again, since we do not know the extent of your husband’s actions in this realm, we can only advise you not to search his belongings.

Third, his gambling is no doubt a sin and needs to be addressed. If he will not heed to your requests to stop, then you need to involve family members to appeal to him to stop. He needs to be dealt with firmly by some adult males in either your family or his family. They need to impress upon him the negative impact gambling will have on his own soul as well as on the stability of the entire family. We are not sure how often he gambles and whether he is approaching the point of addiction, but there are professionals who deal with gambling addicts and you should do your best to get him to seek help from such professionals. The risk is that he might refuse to go, but then you should never stop trying to make him seek help.

Finally, we think you are being too tolerant of his rude and unkind behavior. You need to get his family and your family involved so that they know the extent of your problems. Your husband does not seem to be mature enough to handle the responsibilities of a wife and three small children. Unless and until someone from his and your family remind him of his obligations, he will continue to abuse you mentally as well as tormenting his own soul through his interactions with girls and gambling.

Do not let another day go by. Talk to him, tell him how serious the situation is, and appeal to him to go with you to seek professional help. Make lots of du`aa’ and have your children make du`aa’ for their father. They need not know all of the problems he is creating for the family; they just need to learn now to make suppication for the well-being and guidance of their parents, in sha’ Allah. Allah knows best.

Salam,

***

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About Abdul-Lateef Abdullah

Abdul-Lateef Abdullah, an American convert to Islam, obtained his Bachelor’s degree in Political Science & Economics at the University of Delaware, his Master’s degree in Social Work from Columbia University, and recently completed his Ph.D. from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies, Universiti Putra Malaysia, in the field of Youth Studies.

He has worked as a Program Assistant for the Academy for Educational Development (Washington, D.C.); a Social Worker at the Montefiore Medical Center (Bronx, New York); and the Director of Documentation and Evaluation at Community IMPACT! (Washington, D.C.). He has also worked with the the Taqwa Gayong Academy (New Jersey, U.S.A./Penang, Malaysia) for troubled youth, both Muslim and non-Muslim. As a recent (1999) convert to Islam, he spends much time writing about his experiences as a Muslim-American convert. 


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