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Husband Cheats on Me, but I Am the Unfaithful

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A

Reply Date

Oct 20, 2017

Question

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. We have been married for 5 years. We are at the same age and have 3 daughters. At first, my husband was kind and sweet, but for months he hasn’t been caring about me at all. He was always out with his friends until late night motor racing and gambling. He drinks alcohol and even uses drugs and meets girls. He actually has a baby from one of that girl. I don’t know what to do; I feel I have the worst husband in the world. He doesn’t have time for our daughters and doesn't pray either. I’m the one managing our business. There are times when I want to divorce him, but I don't want my children to grow up without a father. On the other hand, I don't want them to see what kind of father they have. Every time I pray, I cry and wish that he will change one day, but nothing is going in the right direction. At the same time, his cousin has started to chat with me on Facebook and I didn’t want to talk to him, but I felt something toward him because of the care he showed me. Now, every day we send text messages, and one day my husband got to know about it. He became angry and physically hurt me. I admit it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do. He said we should divorce because I was unfaithful to him. I told him it all happened because he didn’t love me and showed his care for me and my kids. We always argue and ended up fighting again, so I decided to go to my mother’s place with my kids and left him. Right now, we don’t communicate with each other and I’m the only one sustaining my kids. His cousin still texts me and tells me he wants to marry me. What shall I do? Please give me advice because I am very confused.

Counselor

Answer


Husband Cheats on Me, but I Am the Unfaithful

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaykum As-Salam dear sister,

I am sorry to hear about this situation. I think there are two main issues to deal with here. The first is your husband and the situation in your marriage and the second is his cousin trying to communicate with you to show an interest in marriage while you are still a married woman.

First, in terms of the situation with your husband, I would like to ensure that you know in Islam there are many verses in the Qur’an and hadith (Prophet’s authenticated traditions) which emphasize the importance of not harming oneself or others, of gentleness, and of kindness such as “There shall be no infliction of harm on oneself or on others” (Ahmad)

“Indeed, gentleness does not enter into anything except it beautifies it nor is it removed from anything except that it makes it ugly.” (Imam Muslim)

“Those, in whose hearts is no mercy for others, will not attain the mercy of Allah.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

All of these attributes, in addition to others, are even more important in a marriage which should be characterized by love, mercy and tranquility as Allah (SWT) tells us in the Qur’an:

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put Love and mercy between your (hearts), verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

Also, in a marriage, it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure he is taking care of his wife and his family as the Prophet (peace be upon him) says: “All of you are custodians and will be asked about your charges. The Imam is a custodian and will be asked about his charges. The man is a custodian of his family and he will be asked about his charges. The woman is a custodian of her husband’s house and she will be asked about her charges…” (Bukhari)

I am not sure how the selection of your husband took place sister, but when considering marriage, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “If one whose character and religion please you comes to you (with a proposal), you should marry him (to your single women).  If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great corruption.” (Tirmidhi)

Therefore, there is a great emphasis on character and religion when a sister wants to choose a husband.

If you feel that your marriage is not serving any of the purposes and meanings above, and, as you mentioned, there are problems with alcohol, drugs, unfaithfulness, and abuse which are all very serious matters, then you need to evaluate the situation and decide on how you would like to move forward. Divorce is never an easy decision to make and has its own implications; however, remaining in a marriage that can be a threat to your and your daughters’ well-being and safety could have even worse implications.

You mentioned that you run the business so alhamdullilah you have a source of income to support yourself and your daughters. Make du’aa’ and pray the istikharah prayer for Allah to guide you what is best and trust that if Allah takes something away, He will replace it with something better in sha’ Allah. We are told in the Qur’an:

“Whoever fears Allah, Allah will find a way out for him (from every difficulty) and He will provide for him from sources that he could never have imagined.”  (65:2-3)

Now, when it comes to the issue of his cousin contacting you and expressing his interest in marrying you while you are a married woman, this is inappropriate. Therefore, my advice is to cut off all communication with him and not let the Satan enter into this. If he tries to contact you again, you can ask him that he needs to be conscious of Allah and his actions are inappropriate. Even if you become single again and want to consider marriage, I would suggest you to take your time and be very careful with your selection. Ensure that you are not entering into another marriage without careful consideration of the characteristics necessary for a good husband and for someone who will be a good father to your daughters and treat them like he would treat his own. Later, if you are more interested in learning more about this, you may visit www.findingloveandmercy.com or read books from Dr. Rida and Ikram Beshir.

In the meantime, remember that we are all humans and prone to making mistakes. What’s important is that we repent and ask Allah to forgive us, stop the sin, vow not to do it again and if it involves hurting someone else, seek their forgiveness. If it is not possible, then at least make du’aa’ for them.

You are still young ma sha’ Allah my sister, so my advice is to take time also now to learn more and teach your daughters about the religion of Allah. Learn the Qur’an, learn about Islamic sciences and once again strengthen your relationship with Allah (SWT) for ultimately only He has the power to heal us and to mend what is broken. For learning about the meanings of the Qur’an, I highly recommend br. Nouman Ali Khan’s lectures which can be found on YouTube. We are told about the Qur’an being a great source of healing, guidance and mercy for us:

“O humankind! There has come to you a good advice from your Lord and a healing for that (disease) which is in your breasts — a guidance and a mercy for the believers.”(10:57) 

So I would advise you to engage more with the Qur’an, prayer and remembrance of Allah as we are told

“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah].” (2:45)

 

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About Um Hadi

Um Hadi has BA in Psychology & Education and acquired certifications in Leadership, Life Coaching, Adults Training, and Relationship Coaching. She is currently completing her Masters in Educational Leadership.


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