In this counseling answer:
After unfaithfulness has been discovered, it is very hard to build the trust again. It’s possible but takes time. Therefore, the counselor suggests that the husband seeks professional help and stop using the internet for a while. She also suggests that the wife looks after herself and tries to be attractive when he is around.
As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. What you are going through must be extremely difficult for you especially during the pregnancy.
Unfortunately, we live in a time where social media has become so powerful and easily accessible for everyone. It can be used for good reasons, but also unlawful things. Liking other girls’ pictures and even looking at them is an unlawful act in Islam. Your husband might love you and care about you, but sometimes when men watch porn for a very long time, it gets an addiction which is hard for them to give up.
A man should lower his gaze and try to avoid things that can get him into temptation and haram act. It has been mentioned in the Qur’an:
“Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.” (24:30)
Having a husband who looks and talks to other women must be very painful for you. It makes you feel that you are not beautiful enough. Believe me, you are beautiful, and what he is looking at is not perfect and real. You should not doubt yourself just because he has a problem.
Trusting him might be very difficult for you after all he is done, but you should have a sit-down talk with him before making any major decision such as seeking a divorce. He is going to become the father of your second child and it is time for him to show some responsibility.
Find the right time to talk to him when he is calm and relaxed. It is no point in talking to him about all this when he is angry or tired as this will only lead to a fight and misbehave between you two. When you talk, talk to him in a good manner and try to avoid being angry.
Most men are full of pride and ego, and even if they know they are doing something very wrong, they do not like to be told by a woman. Use “I” statements, for example, “I feel less beautiful and worthless when you look at other women”. This way he will feel less attacked by you, and if he really loves and cares about you he will understand your point of view.
He has obviously broke your trust, and it will take some times to build it back again. If he says he is not doing it anymore, you should give him the chance to improve and quit his bad habits. It will take some time for him to stop his bad habits, but if you want to stay with him then you will have to be patient with him.
Social media has destroyed so many marriages. If he really wants to quit whatever he has been doing, then suggest that he seeks professional help and stop using internet for a while unless he really has to. When someone has a problem, it is always good to get some help. Be supportive and understanding.
You can also try dressing in a way he likes. Look after yourself and try to be attractive when you are around him. Men are visually stimulated, and that is why it is important that you look good and fresh when he is home with you. Smell good and wear nice clothes. Keep a soft speech with him and make him his favorite food. The more he comes near you the more he will go away from the forbidden things.
Do not think that you are not attractive. When you love yourself and your body, then he will automatically get attracted to you. He will treat you the way you treat yourself. Love yourself and have confidence in yourself.
May Allah (swt) ease your problem and make your marriage healthy and successful.
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