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Husband Cheats on Me Online while I’m Pregnant

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 22, 2017

Question

Salaam alaikum. I am having issues with my husband and I do not know what to do. There have been things with other girls/secret social media accounts in the past. He has promised me that he has not done anything physical, and - for the most part - I did believe him. He said he had stopped, but it is all lies. He sent "jokey" messages laden with innuendo to a friend of his. I found out also that he had been liking pictures of “perfect” girls on Instagram and looking up escort services. I have also found another secret Twitter account of his, filled with porn and girls sending him messages. I am 5 months pregnant with our second child and I am already having symptoms of pre-eclampsia. Being at home puts my BP up dangerously high and I have been told to go to the hospital twice every week. He obviously does not take this seriously at all. I love him dearly, but he is making my mental health issues worse, my physical health issues worse; he does not respect me, he lies and cheats. I look nothing like these girls, so I cannot even compete. I do not want him to go, but I feel like I should just ask for a divorce. He says he loves me and is otherwise very loving... but I do not know why he is with me. I am clearly not what he is looking for. Please help me! I am frightened of the pre-eclampsia, I am frightened of losing him, I am frightened of being a single parent when I can barely cope as it is and I am frightened of actually finding out that he has done worse than look and lie.

Counselor

Answer


Husband Cheats on Me Online while I’m Pregnant

In this counseling answer:

After unfaithfulness has been discovered, it is very hard to build the trust again. It’s possible but takes time. Therefore, the counselor suggests that the husband seeks professional help and stop using the internet for a while. She also suggests that the wife looks after herself and tries to be attractive when he is around.


As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. What you are going through must be extremely difficult for you especially during the pregnancy.

Unfortunately, we live in a time where social media has become so powerful and easily accessible for everyone. It can be used for good reasons, but also unlawful things. Liking other girls’ pictures and even looking at them is an unlawful act in Islam. Your husband might love you and care about you, but sometimes when men watch porn for a very long time, it gets an addiction which is hard for them to give up.

A man should lower his gaze and try to avoid things that can get him into temptation and haram act. It has been mentioned in the Qur’an:

Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.” (24:30)

Having a husband who looks and talks to other women must be very painful for you. It makes you feel that you are not beautiful enough. Believe me, you are beautiful, and what he is looking at is not perfect and real. You should not doubt yourself just because he has a problem.

Trusting him might be very difficult for you after all he is done, but you should have a sit-down talk with him before making any major decision such as seeking a divorce. He is going to become the father of your second child and it is time for him to show some responsibility.

Find the right time to talk to him when he is calm and relaxed. It is no point in talking to him about all this when he is angry or tired as this will only lead to a fight and misbehave between you two. When you talk, talk to him in a good manner and try to avoid being angry.

Most men are full of pride and ego, and even if they know they are doing something very wrong, they do not like to be told by a woman. Use “I” statements, for example, “I feel less beautiful and worthless when you look at other women”. This way he will feel less attacked by you, and if he really loves and cares about you he will understand your point of view.

He has obviously broke your trust, and it will take some times to build it back again. If he says he is not doing it anymore, you should give him the chance to improve and quit his bad habits. It will take some time for him to stop his bad habits, but if you want to stay with him then you will have to be patient with him.

Social media has destroyed so many marriages. If he really wants to quit whatever he has been doing, then suggest that he seeks professional help and stop using internet for a while unless he really has to. When someone has a problem, it is always good to get some help. Be supportive and understanding.

You can also try dressing in a way he likes. Look after yourself and try to be attractive when you are around him. Men are visually stimulated, and that is why it is important that you look good and fresh when he is home with you. Smell good and wear nice clothes. Keep a soft speech with him and make him his favorite food. The more he comes near you the more he will go away from the forbidden things.

Do not think that you are not attractive. When you love yourself and your body, then he will automatically get attracted to you. He will treat you the way you treat yourself. Love yourself and have confidence in yourself.

May Allah (swt) ease your problem and make your marriage healthy and successful.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.




About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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