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Can’t Forgive My Dead Husband Who Cheated on Me

21 October, 2017
Q Salam. My husband just passed away 2 months ago. After his death, I found out he had secret affair with a married woman for many years. I felt betrayed, heartbroken and left alone with many unanswered questions. My family has advised me to forget and move on because it is no good to hate and be angry at a dead person. However, when I think about those years when his mood was up and down, and he seldom spent time with me or our children, I felt really heartbroken. I always pray to Allah to let me forget everything and move on, but I am still unable to really do so. He is still regarded as a responsible man in the eyes of the family. My emotions are quite mixed; sometimes I miss him a lot, sometimes I feel angry. What should I do? Is it true that his soul will suffer if we feel angry at and hate a dead person? Please advise. Thank you!

Answer

Answer:

As-Salaamu ‘Alaykum,

Sister, do you know this saying, “there are three types of business: (a) my business, (b) your business, (c) our business. I think this falls under my business.” Questions like how a person will be punished for their wrong doing, if they will be forgiven, what their end will be or when will be the Day of Judgment and others are the type of questions which are Allah’s business. Don’t worry about the punishment or forgiveness of your husband. Allah is The Best of Judges and The Most Just. He will get what he deserves and the mercy of Allah will be accounted for in his situation. If you want to pray for him feel free to do so, but don’t worry as it’s not something in your control.

“Is it true that his soul will be suffered if we feel angry and hate to the dead person?” Let me ask you a question about your question. If Allah and His Messenger (saw) says something to you, will you accept it? If yes, then calm your heart and accept the following words of Allah in His Book. Allah says what can mean “And no bearer of burdens shall bear another’s burden.” [Faatir 35:18] Therefore, Allah will not punish your husband because of anything you do.

You have every right to be upset upon learning of the betrayal of your husband, but the question is how has this anger benefited you and those around you? Sometimes forgiveness is an easy way to drop a load that we are carrying. I know you are concerned with your ex-husband’s punishment, but I’m more concerned about you punishing yourself with these strong emotions you are having.

It’s sort of like the story of the wise monk and his student who saw a rich lady who was mistreating her servants because there was a pond of water blocking their path and they did not want to carry her over it. When the monk saw all the drama and the way the lady was mistreating her servants, in order to cut down on all the fitnah, he offered to carry her over the water which she accepted.

When they got to the other side of the pond, he put her down and she walked off not even looking back at him or saying thank you. After a while, the student turned and said something in an annoyed tone of voice: “that woman didn’t even say thank you”! The monk said to his student: “I have already put her down, why are you still carrying her?” Maybe it’s time to work on not “carrying” your late husband with forgiveness. Maybe praying for his forgiveness is what you need in order to move on. Ask yourself what you need to be okay and do it.

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I feel you should read 3 good books on grieving. The anger is also a part of the grieving. It has not been long since your husband has passed and you need time to grieve. Reading books on grieving will help you, in sha’ Allah, because it will show you that the way you feel is quite normal, and tell you stories of others who have gone through the same thing you are going through now. This feeling will pass if you allow yourself to grieve, experience the loss, cry and move on with your life.

Grieving is a good thing and a healthy thing. Sometimes, when Allah takes things from us, He replaces it with something better if we put our trust in Him and are patient. Patience is complaining to Allah about our situation. Tell Allah about your situation, read books on grieving and keep your hearts open to the opportunities, and in sha’ Allah Allah will surly give you as you move onto the next phase of your life, as life is a series of changes similar to the seasons. Sometimes it’s winter, but if you are patient, summer must come again.

Salam,

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About Tahsin Floyd
Tahsin Floyd has started MuslimSoberCompanion.net to help offer addiction counseling, life coaching and sober companionship to Muslims. He is the addiction counselor at Islamic Online University, and a lover of foraging and Islamic wisdom.