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A Married Man: How to Say No to Girls?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 22, 2018

Question

I am 37 years old and married 5 years ago. I don’t have children. Three months ago, I got severe depression. I involved chatting with a girl whom I want to marry. The reason I became severely depressed was that I found it very difficult to tell this issue to my wife and my family. I tried to tell everything to my wife.

Before marriage and even after marriage, I was very stressed by my mother’s attitude. She gets angry at very little issues. She is always displeased with me. I found no companion and get involved to chat with girls before marriage due to my family’s everyday issues. I found it best way to feel good under these circumstances.

Before marriage, I also wanted to marry one girl but didn’t marry her due to her family’s background. This was a huge breaking point for me.

After marriage, my family issues remain the same. My mother still gets angry at me and my wife on very small issues.

My wife got a job after marriage. Whenever I came home, she is sleeping because of her very hectic job. I find very lonely myself on these days. Thus, I continue the same thing and get involved myself chatting with girls. My wife knows all my chatting before and after marriage, and she is very worried. She got minor unconsciousness attacks due to my mother’s attitude and also my involvement with girls.

I love my wife very much. She is very caring and takes care of me a lot. Recently, I and my wife got separated from my mother and shifted to another floor. Here I get the chance to talk to my wife and express all my feelings.

But after settling, I was stuck with this girl issue that gave me severe depression. Now, after moving to another floor, I am relaxed and I am also out of depression, by Allah's will. But now the thing is that is bothering me is that how to say no to that 3rd girl.

I shared all my emotions with her, she was also making plans and dreams to marry me. But now after separated from my mother, I found that I have made a mistake. I got involved with this third girl when I was alone. Now I found that my wife is my best companion.

Until now only my wife, my mother, and my sisters know about this issue. I told lies to this girl in order to cut her off, but she is still getting close to me. She says that she is praying for me and as soon as I get out this disease (the lie I told her) she want me to marry her. She doesn’t know that I am already married.

I want suggestion: how to cut this girl off? How to say no to this girl? Can I tell all the truth to this girl? I am afraid if I tell all the truth, she may commit suicide or curse me. How to emotionally detach from this girl? Or can I marry her as I found myself emotionally attached to her? I know that I cannot make a balance with my current wife and with this girl.

Why have I get involved with these ladies and get emotionally attached to them? Due to my mother’s attitude & lack of mother's love? What is the solution? I don’t want to get involved with other girls. JazakAllah.

Counselor

Answer


A Married Man: How to Say No to Girls?

In this counseling answer:

• Draw closer to Allah and try to more actively practice Islam.

• You may wish to tell this girl the truth.  State that you have grown in Islam and regret any wrong that you have done.

• Identifying what feelings are elicited for any given situation can help us identify our needs and desires, some often subconscious.

• Get counseling.


As-Salamu Alaykum brother,

Brother, you describe issues with your mother, your family, never being able to please your mom, her being angry, your wife working and you being lonely. However, the real issue lies within what appears to be an addiction to chatting with women online.

You indicated that you were still doing this until recently and that you committed to marrying a girl you met online.  Now you are worried and stressed as you do not want to marry this girl. I can guess that you did discuss this with your family as you said your wife, mother, and your sisters know about this issue.

Taking Responsibility

According to you, things have gotten better in your life. You and your wife live in the same home/building as your mom and you did move to another floor in the home, in the hopes things would improve. This has helped a lot as it decreased the negative interactions with your mom, reduced your stress and brought you and your wife closer. It was after this move that you discovered your wife was truly your life partner.

Sadly, prior to this move, you did commit to marrying that woman you met online during your chatting. Now you are worried about how to get out of it.

As you know, brother, your behaviors of chatting with women online is haram, especially as you are married. I can imagine it has hurt your wife very much. You speak about your mom and the stress that she has caused you.

You talk about your wife and how lonely you were because she worked. These are not easy situations, brother, and I do understand.  However, the responsibility for your behavior of going online and chatting with women is your responsibility and your decisions. These actions have nothing to do with your mom or your wife.

I will kindly suggest that you repent to Allah and ask for His forgiveness. Draw closer to Allah and try to more actively practice Islam. If you are sincere in your repentance, things should work out in your favor regarding this girl.

As you did promise to marry her and you shared all your emotions with her, the fact is you are married and you do not intend to marry her. This was deception on your part and it is not a good thing as it will hurt this girl to find out you will not marry her. But again, you need to take responsibility. If you turn to Allah with a sincere heart, may Allah have mercy and make it easy for you to turn this wrong into a right.

Insha’Allah, you may wish to tell this girl the truth. The truth (if this is the way that you take) is that you have drawn closer to Allah and reevaluated your life and you regret that you are unable to marry her.  State that you have grown in Islam and regret any wrong that you have done. Apologize for any hurt or inconvenience that you have caused her, ask for her forgiveness and wish her well. Insha’Allah, Allah will put understanding and mercy in her heart regarding this news.

Regarding your questions about if it is a sin to break off the marriage after you have committed. To my knowledge, no, it is not. But please, do get a scholarly response from our “Ask the Scholar” section as I am not an Islamic scholar.

I do know that if you marry her and you cannot treat both wives equally, you will be held accountable to Allah as there are strict rules for having more than one wife. Treating both of them equally is one.

You also asked how to break off the emotional ties. I will respond by saying that if you are truly committed to your wife and feel that she is the only true life partner for you, these emotional ties will fall away insha’Allah once you cut communication and seek forgiveness and mercy in Allah.

Again brother, this all goes back to taking responsibility for that which you have created or done as well as being a strong and faithful servant of Allah and following His commands.

Attachment Disorder or Addiction

Brother, you wanted to know why you get “involved with these ladies and get emotionally attached to them. Due to my mother attitude and lack of mother’s love?” I cannot answer that, but I do kindly suggest that insha’Allah perhaps you know.

I ask that you do some deep introspection regarding this question.  Is it an addiction or do you truly crave lots of attention from other women? Insha’Allah, please do make a list of the things you feel are missing from your life in particular with your relationship with your mom. Make another list of the satisfaction you get chatting to women online.

Next to all of these items, write a few words describing the feeling that each item on the list gives you. For instance, when your mom gets angry, do you feel defeat, hurt, rejected? When you talk to women online do you feel important, loved, elated? Identifying what feelings are elicited for any given situation can help us identify our needs and desires, some often subconscious.

If you find that despite identifying your needs and seeking to satisfy them through your most loving wife you cannot refrain from seeking other women, please do get counseling. In fact, counseling would be a good idea anyhow, brother, given your history with your mom and your bouts of severe depression.

In this life, we all have shortcomings to address, we all make mistakes. Alhumdulilah, Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. Also, alhumdulilah, your wife is very understanding and appears to be supportive even though she is hurt.

I kindly suggest, brother, that you cut off this relationship in an honest way and settle yourself in with your life with your wife. In the future when things are stressing you out, or when you feel depressed, or lonely don’t fall into the same trap of seeking relief from internet chats.

Additionally, do not blame others for your weaknesses. Take responsibility. Get counseling to help you deal with whatever the issues are that are causing this behavior as well as the depressive episodes.

In the end, we are all accountable to Allah for our behaviors. We can’t blame others. We can only rely on Allah, our own inner strength which comes from following Islam and seeking Allah’s guidance and Mercy.

Building a Foundation

Insha’Allah, you and your wife will build a strong marriage foundation on Islamic principles. Attend the Masjid regularly, read Qur’an together, and pray together. This will bring you closer as a couple and insha’Allah will help prevent further sins.

As you can see, the Quran is a complete way of life for us. It is a path that helps prevents us from hurting others, as well as hurting ourselves.

We all make mistakes, but it is never too late to repent, make things right and move forward. You have been blessed with a lot of wonderful things in your life. I am confident that you will move forward from the situation.

May Allah bless you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

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I Don’t Like My Wife; I’ll Surely Cheat on Her Again

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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