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Shall We Go Back to My Abusive Husband?

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Aug 07, 2016

Question

Salam Aleikom. I am a 33 years old divorcee from Greece. From my first marriage, I have a son who is with his dad. I left Greek in 2011 to meet my future husband in Cyprus. I left my son behind because I had nothing to feed him or a home to live. I lived on the street.I officially got divorced in 2013 when I already married Mohamed by Islamic law, had another son, and was pregnant with my daughter. I am really not proud of it. I had problems with my papers that’s why divorce took this long. My husband doesn’t know I was still not divorced officially when we got married.Now, I came to Greece with the kids. My mom supports me, but we have very little money, barely enough for food. My husband is beating my son since he was 5 months old because he didn’t have work and money and, of course, cigarettes. He made me ask from the others money for food and cigarettes. He was always saying bad words about me like I am stupid or I am not clean. His family doesn’t want me or my children.Mohamed is social worker. I came to Greece by my sick mother's help to sell my home in order to give him money to fix his home in Egypt. He financially supports me when I am in Egypt, but when I travel to Greece, I need to take all the responsibilities. I don’t work; I live at one of my friend’s home who buys us food, but I must leave soon. Now I don’t know what do to. After all, I still love him so much and my heart wants to go back to Egypt, but I am afraid of him at the same time. He abuses my kids. I know that if I stay here in Greece, he will do anything to take the babies far away from me and also maybe he will do the same there at his country. Or he will keep beating us. He had good heart, but sometimes I can't recognize him. My love for my babies is bigger than him that is for sure. But what I must do. Please advise me.All my friends say not to go back. I also promised my son that we would leave him and Egypt, and we left, and now I am ready to go back? My heart wants to go, but my mind no. I believe that you can understand me. I asked from him one time divorce but I took it back. I can't explain it. Also, I am trying to found excuses always for him. I need advice.

Counselor

Answer


Go Back to My Abusive Husband?

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam my dear sister in Islam,

Thank you for your question and I am glad that you are seeking help with this issue.

Because this man is violent with you and your children, and even from the time your son was a tiny baby, you should not go back to him! Your duty to Allah (swt) is to protect your children! In terms of your duty to Allah (swt), that is your most important job. You have to consider your children’s safety in this world—in addition to your safety with Allah (swt) (in the Next, which means getting in Jannah, by the Grace and Mercy and Forgiveness of Allah [swt])! A Hadith says that each person has a charge which we will be asked about, and the mother’s charge is her children (not her husband). So, your first concern in front of Allah (swt) is to make sure that your children are properly cared for!

You need to figure out why you want to go back to this man when you know that your children’s and your safety (in this world and the Next) is at risk. You said you know that you should not go back to him for their safety and yours! So, something is really corrupting your mind! Please try to figure out what that is. Break it down so you defeat it. I think it is obvious that Shaitan is in this situation because it is not “natural” for a mother to put her children in danger. So something strong in your psychology is overpowering your maternal instinct. You need to figure out what that is to begin to solve that problem, by the Guidance and Help of Allah (swt).

To do that, you may need the help of a counselor/therapist. Since you do not have money, it may not be an option for you. Maybe it is your need for money that is attracting you to go back to this violent, abusive man in Egypt; he takes care of your material and monetary needs when you are with him. If he “really” loved you, he would give you money if you were with him or not—because real love is caring selflessly for another person. To love just for our own benefit is not “real” love. Real love is feeling pain for someone when you find out that they are hungry, or homeless, or suffering in any way. If he really loved you, he would send you money when he heard that you were suffering. However, he is not doing that. He is baiting you to come back to him by offering to pay your way if and when you are with him. He knows you are in need of food, etc., so may be trying to get you to come back to him for his money—which he will give you ONLY if you come back to him.

Most righteous Muslims won’t let a sister and children go hungry if they hear they need, whether they benefits (in a worldly sense) from giving to them or not.

May Allah (swt) guide you and make it easy for you. Please ask Allah (swt) to make another way for you to get money and feed yourself and your children so that you have no more temptation to return to that violent man, for the sake of your soul and your children’s and your safety, in this world, too.

Salam,

***

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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery. For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.

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