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Shall I Marry My Cousin Who Molested Me?

19 January, 2018
Q As-Salamu ‘Alaikum. I have been going through your website but the questions that you answer are a bit different from my question and I need guidance. As a child, I was molested by two men, one being my van driver (who recently passed away and I forgave him), and the other one being a cousin of mine. As a child, I did not speak up against it as I felt dirty and thought that people would hate me if I told them about it. As I grew up, I gathered the guts to say no to both men and won against being molested. Because of this, I grew up to be painfully shy and unsocial as I felt dirty and couldn't look into the people’s eye.I still can't believe I'm 23. The point is that the cousin, who used to fondle me as a child, grew up liking me and wants to marry me. As a matter of fact I, too, like him and want to be with him and marry him. Will it be sinful to marry the same man who molested you when you were a kid? Also, I confronted him about molesting me, and he told me that he was sincerely sorry and that he was always attracted towards me, and he has never touched any other girl and never had feelings for any other girl. Please help me, I don’t know what to do.

Answer

Aisha Mohammad
19 January, 2018

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

I am so truly sorry to hear that you were molested. It is truly an act of vile and heinous sinfulness which has severe consequences. You are not alone dear sister; sadly many young girls are sexually molested worldwide. While you stated you were afraid to tell anyone at the time, dear sister I want to make one thing very clear – it was not your fault; you were a victim. While you did not mention the ages of the “men” who molested you, emotionally I do not recommend marrying your cousin! When a child is violated in that way, it often leaves deep scares emotionally. As you stated you grew up feeling shy, unsocial, and feeling dirty, to think about marrying one of your molesters, to wake up and see his face every morning, may trigger deeper psychological trauma than you have already experienced. I ask you to look at the reasons why you are even contemplating this! You are worth so much, sister! Behind your shame, pain and feelings of being “dirty” is a wonderful, pious, beautiful, intelligent young woman. I want you to get in touch with her – and love her and protect her!

Please, dear sister, I ask that you get counseling as soon as possible in sha’ Allah for the abuse that has occurred. Please, seek out a qualified therapist who can help you work through the resulting trauma of being sexually abused. It is not normal to want to marry someone who violated you.

You are in our prayers dear sister. We love you and care about you!

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.