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No One Believes That My Brother-in-Law Harasses Me

Questioner

B

Reply Date

Aug 10, 2017

Question

Salam. I have been following this page for very long time and desperately need to share my problem. I got married 8 years ago with a man from my neighbor with whom I was once in love with. There were some typical problems (parents nor agreeing), but in 2004 I told him that I could not continue that painful relation. In 2005, I met another guy and don't know why but I felt love at first sight. This love kept growing stronger and deeper, and when I already forgot about the first guy, my parents got me engaged to him. I tried giving it a chance but I couldn't revive those old feelings. Two years later, I forcefully got married with the first guy. I’ve tried and tried again now with two kids but the second guy and I couldn't get over each other. We have been physically connected, too. I don't have anything to offer to my husband. I don't want to keep him in dark anymore. I've always been honest and sincere. I want to divorce and live my life and make my aakhirah better. I have put a lot of efforts in this marriage; I am overloaded with house work, I have to bear the ill treatment of my in-laws, I don’t have any support from hubby, I had two painful pregnancies, my life is full of stress - and I have to endure my husband's elder brother's harassment. He wanted to hold my hands; he many times sneaked into my bedroom in my husband's absence while I was sleeping to touch my private parts. He is torturing me what he calls love towards me. These episodes lasted for years. I raised my voice but nobody helped me, not even my own husband, because my brother-in-law denied everything. Three months ago, I was in the shower. He made a video of me or took pictures, ALLAH knows best. I ran out crying, told my mother-in-law what happened and rang my hubby, but as usual my dear brother-in-law denied it! My darling hubby got really mad, spoke to his parents but didn't say a word to his brother. Today I'm not living there because I stood up for myself as no one supports me there. My peace, dignity, and everything is lost! My 6-year-old son in too much attached to his grandparents that he even forgets me when he goes there to visit them, and this too is thanks to my hubby. ALLAH knows my efforts, intentions and honesty. Please don't advise me to stay in this marriage! The second guy is ready to accept me with my boys, but I still want to be independent for some time before falling into a second marriage. He doesn’t know about the harassment of my brother-in-law or the torments I had to endure there.

Counselor

Answer


No One Believes That My Brother-in-Law Harasses Me

Answer:

Dear sister,  

8 years is certainly quite a long duration. Do you really want to part despite your two kids? Is it a problem with your spouse or his brother that is making you opt for divorce? Will this second guy actually accept your kids, and what will happen when he has his own child; will he do justice?

There are so many questions one needs to ponder when deciding about getting out of a relationship. Whatever happened between you and your husband’s brother is something you already stood for. It is unfortunate how your in-laws did not believe what happened, and at times people blindly trust their kids to an extent that even their worst mistake is overshadowed. You tried your best but it is very sad that even your husband was not at your side. This is probably because of the fluctuating shaken bond between you two.

I advise you to give it another shot just for the sake of your children. Talk to your husband about the problems you have had and tell him that you want to be with him and that his kids need him. Also, tell him that this will not happen until the time he solves the issue with his brother; maybe you can move out from the joint family. You need to gain his trust because remember, he is the same person who you fell in love with. Revive the relationship by bringing in acts and behavior that previously bloomed the love. Give it a shot (maybe with the help of a marriage counselor) because maybe things can work out.

When you say that you need a time off after divorce before marriage explicitly shows that you are too tired for all the drama that has been going on. You are not completely ready for another marriage, are you? 8 years of marriage certainly requires too much time. However, relationships fall out when only one person is putting in effort and making compromises. Tell your husband that the workload and the behavior of his parents worry you and tell him to resolve them. It shows that apart from your personal relationship with your spouse, you are in trouble because of your in-laws. Tell your husband to do something about it and see how you both can work it out especially for your kids.

This other guy might appear nice but isn’t it wrong to maintain a connection with a married woman? Is there any guarantee that he won’t do such a similar thing with someone else after marrying you? Are you sure he’ll love your kids as a real father? Think about it because no marriage is easy. You are stepping out of one and getting into another; you don’t know what the other one has for you. Therefore, try working upon the marriage you are already in. Talk to your husband and possibly your mother and father in law. See what issues matter to them and be good with them because when you gain their trust and build up a relationship, they will not only treat you good but will also stand up for the harassment going on. Whatever reaction comes, you must stay away from your husband’s brother and the best way to deal with is via your own husband.

Salam,

***

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About Atika Ali Hussein

Atika Ali Hussain received her BA in Social Sciences from Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Institute of Science and Technology (SZABIST) and has 3 gold medals in Psychology. She has been working as freelance writer for 6 years for WriterBay and volunteering in an orphanage. You can contact her on her blog: www.lifelogpkblog.wordpress.com

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