In this counseling answer:
“Please, get your child to safety, sit down and talk with your wife about repairing the marriage with expectations and conditions as well as going for marital counseling. If she is not receptive, please consult a lawyer as well as your local imam regarding a divorce. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to set your affairs straight and grant you ease.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,
Thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear of your marriage problems. You sound like a wonderful husband who has tried his best and you have been very patient.
As I understand, you are a strict Muslim and your family is moderate. As you wanted to get married, you chose a girl you met online and convinced her to marry you even though her parents said no. While it is always preferred to get the parents’ blessings, as you both are of legal age to marry, there is nothing that should prevent a marriage to one who is permissible to you, as far as I know.
However, brother, from what you wrote to us, it seems as if there were already issues with her, especially in regards to her relationship with her parents and the possibility that she lied about informing them about the proposal/marriage. It looks like she deceived you and her parents as well. This is not Islamic behavior as you know.
Brother, how long did you know her before you proposed? Did you take the time to get to know her, her character, her practicing of Islam? Did you ask for references? Did you observe her in a variety of situations? These things are so important when deciding upon a future life partner – as you can now see.
However, that is in the past. What you are faced with now, according to your question, is a wife who has lied in the past about asking her parents for marriage to you; she currently lies to you and complains about being a joint family. She is materialistic, does not want to help raise your child, help out around the house or sacrifice anything towards building a solid Islamic marriage. In fact, according to your question, she even “laughs” and tells you to divorce her. Additionally, she is talking to another man whom she was seeing before she married you and refuses to stop talking to him. Are you even sure that these children are yours?
The most tragic thing, however, is her abuse of your child. Not only is that a huge sin, it is punishable as a crime in many countries. It seems, dear brother, that although she has solid career goals as she wants to be a doctor, she has no humanity as she beats and abuses your daughter. Her career choice and her abusing your daughter are a contradiction.
I would kindly suggest that you send your child to live with your family if possible to save her from being abused, brother. The care and safety of your precious child is upon you as you know that your wife is abusing your child, you will be held accountable to Allah for not stopping it. Additionally, you run the risk of having this child and the one on the way taken from you both for child abuse. Please, do think seriously about this and protect your daughter at all costs from being hurt.
Brother, I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound dedicated to making it work out, even compromising in certain situations despite the horrific pain she has inflicted upon you and your daughter. I would kindly suggest getting your daughter to a safe place then inform your wife that you would like to work out your relationship; however, she must adhere to the following changes. Make a list of things that are haram within Islam such as cheating, lying, and abusing your child.
Additionally, be prepared to also tell her what you expect from a wife such as helping out around the home, being kind to relatives as well as treating your children with loving kindness. Point out that you have and do support her in her studies and career choice, but she has to make compromises as well.
I would also kindly suggest that you both go for marriage counseling. If she agrees, alhumdulillah. If she does not, then you are within your Islamic rights brother to seek a divorce as well as custody of your children as she is abusing your daughter.
Regarding living in an Islamic country or living in the west, it really does not matter brother for as you can see you’re not living in the west now and look at what is going on. In fact, after many years of counseling many, many families, I was literally shocked at the high numbers of abuse, cheating, zina, drug abuse, lying and other horrible things that go on in Islamic countries. I guess I expected better, but it is a human condition that only we as Muslims can correct. Allah states in the Quran that He will not help a people until they help themselves. We as an ummah must set our affairs straight and follow the Qur’an and Sunnah before it is too late.
Please do get your child to safety, sit down and talk with your wife about repairing the marriage with expectations and conditions as well as going for marital counseling. If she is not receptive, please consult a lawyer as well as your local imam regarding a divorce. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to set your affairs straight and grant you ease, dear brother.
You are in our prayers,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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