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My Abusive Wife Works & Cheats on Me; I Raise our Child

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 10, 2017

Question

I live in a moderate Muslim family but I am strict in Islam. My parents were not serious even after I constantly pressure them to marry me off. Finally, I decided to take the matter in hand and choose a girl from online. So I approached her through a known person. We decided to marry without parents’ consent so we do not commit major zina. We consummated our marriage after that. Soon after she became pregnant. I never support the idea of abortion so I decided to take the baby. Initially reluctant but she agreed. Later we pressured our parents even more to marry us and they did. But soon after marriage while living together I started to find her different. Before living together she told me she has no problem with joint family. But after she started complaining and constant nagging about family members and living together. She became more and more materialistic rather than reading she likes mobile and Facebook. She has become unhappy if I wanted to give out a charity or tell her to do house chores. But I kept on consulting her and she kept on arguing me or showing me examples of other girls who lives alone or has many maids or I shouldn't marry a medical student but a normal girl if I wanted this. After our child was born, as my family lives abroad, I had to take care completely of my newborn as her exam was there. I supported her to complete her exam even though her family didn't come to aid even if they are in the country. As this was going on when our child became 9 months old, she conceived again. This time she wanted to do abortion but I wasn't so she showed me a medical reason. When I took her to the doctor, the doctor didn't see the reason for abortion. So we kept the baby. But after this pregnancy, she becomes extremely denial to everything I suggest. She keeps saying that all the decision regarding marriage and baby she has taken was wrong and she suffers for that. If our child irritates a bit she thrashes her and sometimes beat her. When I consulted with my wife’s mother, even she keeps saying that. Before marriage, I told her family is most important to me and I want to raise my child in an Islamic country. So If I ever move I will move to Mecca and I don't even like the idea of living in a western based country for any reason. Then she supported me but now she even trying to divert her career to move to the USA as her family is moving there and she wants us to do the same. The more I see her now she is very materialistic and feminist and it just not showing any sign of reducing. After all, I found her talking with a man continuously for a long time without my knowledge. I found that she had a relationship with him right before our marriage and she is still having regular chat with him. When I confronted her she laughs it off and keeps telling lies. When I catch her lies she becomes arrogant and says if you want to give me a divorce. Later I separated my bed from her and told her to apologize properly and stop her facebook account but I found now that she didn't stop Facebook. When asked she always give the excuse that she can't do that as she needs it for education. Because of our child's’ upbringing, I told her to take a break or do just minimum class if she continues but she didn't listen. She is not sacrificing a little of her education or career for our child but I am constantly doing sacrifice in my career for our baby. Now she is 6 months pregnant. Even after doing zina she is not showing any signs of repentance. I have a 13 months child and an upcoming baby. What should I do?

Counselor

Answer


My Abusive Wife Works & Cheats on Me; I Raise our Child

In this counseling answer:

“Please, get your child to safety, sit down and talk with your wife about repairing the marriage with expectations and conditions as well as going for marital counseling. If she is not receptive, please consult a lawyer as well as your local imam regarding a divorce. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to set your affairs straight and grant you ease.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear of your marriage problems. You sound like a wonderful husband who has tried his best and you have been very patient.

As I understand, you are a strict Muslim and your family is moderate. As you wanted to get married, you chose a girl you met online and convinced her to marry you even though her parents said no. While it is always preferred to get the parents’ blessings, as you both are of legal age to marry, there is nothing that should prevent a marriage to one who is permissible to you, as far as I know.

However, brother, from what you wrote to us, it seems as if there were already issues with her, especially in regards to her relationship with her parents and the possibility that she lied about informing them about the proposal/marriage. It looks like she deceived you and her parents as well. This is not Islamic behavior as you know.

Brother, how long did you know her before you proposed? Did you take the time to get to know her, her character, her practicing of Islam? Did you ask for references? Did you observe her in a variety of situations? These things are so important when deciding upon a future life partner – as you can now see.

However, that is in the past. What you are faced with now, according to your question, is a wife who has lied in the past about asking her parents for marriage to you; she currently lies to you and complains about being a joint family. She is materialistic, does not want to help raise your child, help out around the house or sacrifice anything towards building a solid Islamic marriage. In fact, according to your question, she even “laughs” and tells you to divorce her. Additionally, she is talking to another man whom she was seeing before she married you and refuses to stop talking to him. Are you even sure that these children are yours?

The most tragic thing, however, is her abuse of your child. Not only is that a huge sin, it is punishable as a crime in many countries. It seems, dear brother, that although she has solid career goals as she wants to be a doctor, she has no humanity as she beats and abuses your daughter. Her career choice and her abusing your daughter are a contradiction.

I would kindly suggest that you send your child to live with your family if possible to save her from being abused, brother. The care and safety of your precious child is upon you as you know that your wife is abusing your child, you will be held accountable to Allah for not stopping it. Additionally, you run the risk of having this child and the one on the way taken from you both for child abuse. Please, do think seriously about this and protect your daughter at all costs from being hurt.

Brother, I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound dedicated to making it work out, even compromising in certain situations despite the horrific pain she has inflicted upon you and your daughter. I would kindly suggest getting your daughter to a safe place then inform your wife that you would like to work out your relationship; however, she must adhere to the following changes. Make a list of things that are haram within Islam such as cheating, lying, and abusing your child.

Additionally, be prepared to also tell her what you expect from a wife such as helping out around the home, being kind to relatives as well as treating your children with loving kindness. Point out that you have and do support her in her studies and career choice, but she has to make compromises as well.

I would also kindly suggest that you both go for marriage counseling. If she agrees, alhumdulillah. If she does not, then you are within your Islamic rights brother to seek a divorce as well as custody of your children as she is abusing your daughter.

Regarding living in an Islamic country or living in the west, it really does not matter brother for as you can see you’re not living in the west now and look at what is going on. In fact, after many years of counseling many, many families, I was literally shocked at the high numbers of abuse, cheating, zina, drug abuse, lying and other horrible things that go on in Islamic countries. I guess I expected better, but it is a human condition that only we as Muslims can correct. Allah states in the Quran that He will not help a people until they help themselves. We as an ummah must set our affairs straight and follow the Qur’an and Sunnah before it is too late.

Please do get your child to safety, sit down and talk with your wife about repairing the marriage with expectations and conditions as well as going for marital counseling. If she is not receptive, please consult a lawyer as well as your local imam regarding a divorce. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to set your affairs straight and grant you ease, dear brother.

You are in our prayers,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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