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I No Longer Can Bear My Husband’s Abuse

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Dec 15, 2018

Question

Hello.

I am a new Muslim married to a born Muslim. I converted to Islam because of my own decision. Now I dress and use hijab like a normal Muslim. I have been a good girl all my life.

Tus, there is no reason for him to call me by bad words, but he does everything he wants. He says I take long time cooking. He also says I do not cook the food the women in his country cooks. That is not true. I have learned to prepare some of his food. He is also jealous of me.

I earned a scholarship in a black school. He says I am in love with blacks. This is no true. If it is for me, I will not even be studying but working. I do very good at school because I always try to study so much. But he never sees it. He always lets me alone at home doing everything, even his homework. He always says thank you when I do his homework, then when I have to finish mine, he says to me I am not making him happy because I do not give him time.

Every time he does not recognize what I do, I get very angrily. I scream at him so much and cry in front of him. I beg him to explain to me why he lies about me and why he does not see what I do. It has been like this for a year.

His family does not like me because I am not from his family. My family is back in my country. When I screamed at him, he hit me badly. I hit him back because he makes me being out of control. I cannot believe the person I chose for my life is able to say things that are not true and is unable to appreciate what I do.

He had drunk alcohol but he stopped after I begged him and helped him to stop drinking.

Also, he has been in trouble a lot, but I helped him to pay so much money. When I need some help at the school, he says no I will not help you, do it alone.

I have begged him to ask for help in the mosque. He said people in the mosque are bad and no one will tell him to handle his marriage. I spoke with a Muslim friend. She advised me. However, he found it out and hit me worse.

Recently I got overtired. I asked the sheik to help me but he did not advise me. I have not studied the Quran enough to understand what I am doing wrong.

My faith in Allah is less every day because I cannot understand why all of this suffering. I know I do wrong such as screaming at him, but I cannot control myself. The bad words hurt me, the lies, the hits.

I do not want to get divorced because I feel marriage is forever and you have to try and be patient. But I see my body hit. I do not what to think that fight with Allah. Thanks.

Counselor

Answer


I No Longer Can Bear My Husband’s Abuse

In this counseling answer:

  1. Seek marriage counseling.
  2. If you chose to seek a divorce, make sure to surround yourself with support from loved ones.
  3. Allah brings trials to those He loves most because it is a chance to purify you from sins.

As-Salamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh sister,

You really have faced some difficulties in this marriage. Whilst all marriages do face their own difficulties, in most cases, it is possible to overcome them. But when there is abuse involved like this, it becomes a lot more difficult.

Given the nature of the abuse, I cannot advise on how you might improve things in the relationship because abuse is not acceptable. However, I also don’t like to advise divorce in a situation where I haven’t heard both sides of the story. So, I will instead advise on how to manage your own psychological state to make things easier for you, in sha Allah.

Seek Marriage Counseling

In cases where marriage is facing difficulties, I would always advise seeking counseling, even if it looks like divorce is the only way forward. This is so that you will not look back with regrets as you tried everything to make things work and divorce was the absolute last option.

In your case, however, you have already taken this step and it did not work out in your favor. In fact, it only made the abuse worse.

If you chose to seek a divorce, make sure to surround yourself with support from loved ones as it can be very difficult, even in times where it is the best option.

Furthermore, remember that seeking a new marriage again doesn’t have to be a burden. So, don’t let this thought stop you.

Unfortunately, the situation is threatening your faith, but it doesn’t have to if you frame your situation in the best way. Often when people are in a situation that causes them to ask ’why me?’, it makes them feel distant from Allah.

Why Me?

Finding no answer to the question “why” makes them feel even worse and pushes them away even further. If you search in Islam, you can actually find all the answers to why and these answers can be very empowering.

Allah brings trials to those He loves most because it is a chance to purify you from sins.

Remember the amount of suffering the great prophets of Islam went through before us. If it was some kind of punishment, then He wouldn’t have put the best of people through such suffering.

The suffering will not be forever. It will pass. It will eventually just become a memory.

You will be rewarded for your patience, if not in this life, then the next. The greater the trial you endure, the bigger the reward!


Check out this counseling video:


In fact, for every wrong that you have faced at the hands of another, you will be given a portion of their good deeds.

Hardship Builds Resilience

Aside from the Islamic answer to this, suffering can be a good way to build resilience. It can make you stronger and nurture greater levels of emotions regulation and distress tolerance skills.

Furthermore, it places you in a situation where you become more aware of your blessings. Right now they may seem so few and, therefore, they are easier to notice and appreciate. This can enhance your level of gratitude and appreciation and to make the most of the blessings you do have.

May Allah guide you, strengthen you and reward your patience. May He bring you ease in your difficulties.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I’ve Been Losing My Faith in Allah; I Feel Miserable

I’m Depressed & Losing My Faith

Tips on How to Deal with an Abusive Husband




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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