Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum my sister,
Thank you for confiding in us your difficult situation. Admittedly, it is difficult to comprehend how you made this choice in marriage. One can only assume that he portrayed a character different from the one he really is, and that your contact before marriage and your parents’ involvement in the decision making was based on little or no information. It is of no use to you now to emphasize the importance of suitability and living so far away from your own country and relatives.
Did it not occur to you that there is a very big question when a man much older presents himself for marriage to someone not only much younger, but of an entirely different culture? Some men actually select young wives far away from their home because, for whatever reason, they have not found a suitable wife nearer to their country of residence. I shall say no more on this score because I am aware this is probably making you feel worse, but you have two options: either to be realistic and leave the relationship, or be realistic but work towards a more harmonious partnership.
To be realistic about the situation may hurt, but once you can bring yourself face-to-face with the whole truth, you will become clearer and emotionally more able to make suitable decisions. If, from where you stand, you feel that there is no way in which you can maintain this marriage, and there is no room for change on his part, then you are within your rights Islamcially to ask for a divorce, bearing in mind- as you have already stated- that there is a strong possibility that he will hold onto the children. At the same time, even though he may have threatened to keep the children, you do not know that he will.
There is a slim chance that he would rather be married than not married, and that he is threatening you because it seems that he has not learnt any social skills, and from his experience, the only way he knows how to relate is through control and manipulation. At the end of the day, it is a risk that you take which is not helped by the fact that you do not have the resources to return to your own country.
Realism and harmony can work quite well together if you have the patience and forbearance to go on with this marriage. Ask yourself, why is it now that you feel the way you do? Have you felt this way all throughout the marriage? If things were different before, how were they different, and what happened to make everything change? Again, realism can help you to have no expectations. Once you can reach this stage in your deliberation about the marriage, do not be surprised about the rush of energy and the sense of being in control that can suddenly appear.
Whatever your husband’s nature, he needs to know that you are there for him, not just physically, but also emotionally. The problem is probably rooted in the past; maybe in his mind, he has noticed how you are with him – probably distant, just fulfilling your marital obligations and unyielding in bed. In fact, you might be surprised how sensitive he actually is. Maybe this image he projects is just a self-defense mechanism and a way of compensating for his inability to be warm and sharing and for his guilt that he has bound you by law. Maybe he feels that you have lost your desire to be with him.
If you can, just take one day at a time and try not to get into any unnecessary discussions with him. What matters here is how observant you can be about his true character and to listen fully when he speaks in your presence or to you. This is a period of learning for you even though you have been married for 15 years already. Use the time to be positive in his presence. He is older, and if you are his first wife, he has had years of living his life according to the way he wanted without obligation to anyone else beyond the family that he was born into.
Do not mention your mother, but if you can, write to her regularly. It will take him time to learn to share, to learn that he is responsible for you and his family not just materially, but also emotionally and psychologically.
Pay attention to his likes and dislikes and always let him know that you are there for him in more ways than one. Add your personal touch to everything so that he can begin to sense who you are and what you need. Make little suggestions about things that you could both do together so that you can come closer to one another, but do not be offended if he makes narrow-minded comments; just let it pass, but do not stop making these suggestions. Eventually, he will respond positively.
Arrange your activities so that when he is home, you are at least psychologically available to him. He is obviously not used to criticism, so do not challenge him even if he is wrong. It will take time, but sooner or later he will have to melt a little, and when the time is right, seize the moment to just ask gently if you could phone your mother. He should respond positively. Do not share information about your mother unless he asks about her, and even then just answer according to the question.
You do not state what kind of relationship you have with his mother – if she is alive. If you can, try to spend some time with his mother, as difficult as it may be. Remember, that if he has had a difficult childhood, then this will have had something to do with his parents or a previous marriage, so do not expect more than they are emotionally and psychologically able to give. In this way, it might help him realize that you are really there for him and what concerns him. If done from the heart, many things can turn around to your advantage.
At the same time, make the most of the fact that he allows you to go out. Try to start praying at the local mosque, and in sha’ Allah you will develop friendships that will reduce your sense of isolation and can be of support to you.
We pray that you will find this answer helpful. We are here for you and if you have any further concerns, so please do not hesitate to get in touch.
Salams,
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