In this counseling answer:
• Seek professional help from a psychologist/psychiatrist that focuses on your abuse as a child.
• What you are experiencing is a test given to you by Allah.
• You definitely have the power to steer your life to the right direction with just a little motivation and willpower.
Assalamu Alaykum Brother,
I am sorry that you are in a difficult situation. What I understand from your post is that you have been sexually abused as a child by your elder cousins and neighbors. Because of it, you started believing that having sex with the same gender was permissible. However, when you realized the gravity of the sin you repented to Allah. But, you cannot help yourself and keep turning back to it again and again.
You have suicidal thoughts because of your thoughts.
Further, you also mentioned that you have losses in a career because of your homosexuality. You are also unable to concentrate on prayer. Besides, you want to marry but fear that you will not be able to keep your wife happy.
First of all, brother, the reason you feel this way is that you were abused sexually as a child. Being a victim of childhood abuse can cause many problems later on in adult life including feelings of guilt and shame.
As a child suffered such abuse caused you to have a lower self-esteem and made you feel ashamed of whom you are as a person. It may also have caused you to inhibit yourself socially, and not be able to open up to anyone.
Please, understand that the abuse you experienced at that time was not your fault in any way, nor it is now – if you continue to face that abuse.
I would strongly recommend you to seek professional help from a psychologist/psychiatrist that focuses on your abuse as a child, as it can have a profound effect on your future life.
Attraction towards Same Sex
As for your concern about being attracted to the same sex, it is important to know that merely having the thoughts are not a sin as you do not have control over them. What you do have control over are your actions.
We have all been sent in this world by Allah for a test. Allah tests each of us through different ways and struggles. For instance, He tests someone by limiting their wealth, someone by their health etc.
Similarly, what you are experiencing is a test given to you by Allah. You have developed sexual urges and thoughts towards the same gender because of your experience of being molested as a child. Having these thoughts are not your fault and as long as you do not act on your desires, it is not a sin. Similarly, if you control your desire and not act upon it, you will definitely be rewarded for it by Allah.
In the Quran, Allah says,
“He Who created Death and Life, that He may try which of you is best in deed: and He is the Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving.” [Al-Mulk, 67:2]
According to Hadith, the reward for controlling one’s sexual desires is huge. Prophet Muhammad said,
“Whoever can promise me what is between their lips and what is between their thighs I will promise them paradise.” [Sahih Muslim]
Brother, please understand that being attracted to the same gender is not a sin – rather take this as a test for you. Like many people who are attracted to women may also commit zina. Similarly, if you act out on your desires, you would also be committing zina and that is a sin that is despicable in Islam.
A person who goes against his nafs and controls his sexual desires does Jihad-e-Akbar (Jihad of the highest order), in which the struggle is against one’s own temptations such as lust and other temptations. The reward for Jihad-e-Akbar is very high in the hereafter, InshaAllah.
Repent to Allah
Allah is Most Merciful. We are humans, and humans err. Allah waits for His people to repent and turn to Him. He forgives us every time we make a mistake and ask for His forgiveness. But the condition for forgiveness is that the repentance is sincere and you do not intend to repeat the mistake again. It will help you lighten up your heart and you can start from a fresh page.
Brother, you have mentioned that you think about ending your life because you feel that no good can come from your situation. You are wrong! You definitely have the power to steer your life to the right direction with just a little motivation and willpower.
Having suicidal thoughts is common for victims of child abuse, as childhood abuse causes one to lose their self-worth and confidence. You are also experiencing similar hopelessness about yourself and the future. I would advise you to seek professional psychological assistance to help you feel positive, motivated and energetic about life.
Duties as a Muslim
Try to offer five times obligatory prayers and read the Quran with translation and tafsir. It will help you understand the meaning of life and why Allah has sent us in this world (i.e., to worship Him). In this blessed month of Ramadan, you can use this time to come closer to Allah, Insha’Allah.
Channelize Your Energy into Productive Things
Divert your mind towards more productive goals in life. For instance, spending time with your parents and family, earning and saving money so that you can perform Hajj and Umrah, or work tries out different hobbies that divert your attention.
May Allah help you in your mission to become a good Muslim and help you stay on the right path.
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