As-Salamu `Alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for your question. First, let me say that I am very sorry to hear that you have experiencing such pain in your life. You sound like a very giving, caring, kindhearted, and competent lady. It is a shame that your husband is too insecure of a man to realize that he is lucky to have you in his life.
What you are describing here are classic signs of domestic violence. Your analysis is spot on.
He appears to not like your successes. Why else would he stress you to the point where you are in tears? Yes, he says he supports you and may even tangibly provide support and assistance, but his behavior toward you appears to indicate that he is not sincere. His need to provoke, accuse, shout and fight with you is his way of attempting to gain power and control over you.
He seems to be isolating you from family and friends, yet another classic sign of abusers.
Be careful, he is working ferociously on breaking your spirit. Do not succumb to his attempts to break you down mentally and spiritually. He is exerting his power to control you. Since you say you are more successful than him, especially financially and professionally, his deepest insecurities have arisen. He must now do what it takes to make himself superior to you. If he is such a man, why is he not able to carry the household financially? Why is he not able to care for the children himself?
And just like a classic abuser, he is apologizing after he hurts you. I’m surprised you didn’t mention that he brings you flowers and gifts to make up with after he fights with you. Maybe he does, but you didn’t mention it. Do not fall for any of it.
My advice to you is to hurry up and go see a qualified mental health professional. Talk to someone about what you have been experiencing and Google “domestic violence” so that you can better understand the cycle of abuse. The choice of how you move ahead on this issue is yours, of course. But I would urge you to seek help. Be strong, do not doubt yourself; remain grounded in prayer and seek Allah’s guidance and support.
It is rather unfortunate that many men do not value and appreciate the strength and independence of their wives. Instead of following Allah (swt) and the Sunnah, they let their fragile ego lead them into the horrors of creating disharmony and havoc at home against their wives so that they can feel like men. Cowards, not real men hurt, negate, and devalue women.
Your husband needs intervention if you are to save your marriage. If you have a trusted family friend, ask this person to talk to your husband and advise him to seek assistance from a counselor. Your husband needs to seek assistance so that he can overcome his insecurities and jealousy. If he refuses, you must still do what is best for you and your children.
You, sister, carry the burden for your family like so many women worldwide. If you have any sons, I hope you will teach them how to be better men and to treat women with love, respect and honor as Allah (swt) intended, not as patriarchy has dictated.
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