In this counseling answer:
• At least you can ask your mother to go for counseling as it will help her as an individual. She needs someone to talk to and get advice from a professional person.
• Make the most of the time at home by bonding closer with your mother.
There is no doubt that the problem you have described is very sad and painful, and you have spent a lot of energy telling it to us. We appreciate it. Thank you. I will, In sha’Allah, try advising you the best I can.
It is quite obvious that your father has made your mother’s life very difficult for his emotional abuse. He is supposed to give his family and his wife comfort, respect, and love, but instead, he is doing the complete opposite. His stubborn, aggressive, and rude behavior has ruined so many relations with his friends and family, and sadly he is not treating the ones he has left in his life with respect at all. The husband is Islamically ordered to have a good marital relationship with his wife. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:
“And live with them in kindness” (4:19)
Your father is going through a few personal problems; he does not have work or friends, and relatives have left him due to this old financial conflict. He has ruined the relationship with his son he loved the most. For me, it seems like all this has made him more bitter and aggressive. This should be a good lesson for him to behave kindly towards the few people that are left in his life, but unfortunately, he likes to be in control, and when he has no control over other things in life, he likes to have it over someone – and that is his wife. He wants to keep her “under his thumb”. They both are old now, and for a woman, at this age, it is hard to leave her husband and start all over with her life. But it does not mean that she should accept and tolerate the abuse. She is passive and gets quiet, and that gives your father a chance to treat her badly without challenge. He knows she will not leave him, so he treats her the way he wants to, which is very wrong.
Your mother has been abused for so many years now that I am afraid that she does not know what a healthy relationship looks like anymore. In fact, she may not recognize that she is in an unhealthy relationship. Your mother maybe hopes your father to change, or she fears to bring shame upon her family if she leaves him. She probably wants to be with him, but wants the abuse to end.
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You said he is physically abusing her because of the sexual intercourse you acknowledged between them, but that may be the only time he is actually “nice” to her. I understand your concern, and it must be hard for you to hear them, but try not to think too much about it.
He needs someone to advise him, but he cannot get any help until he admits that he is wrong.
Couple counseling would be the most ideal in this situation, but I doubt you will get anywhere with his stubborn behavior. At least you can ask your mother to go for counseling as it will help her as an individual. She needs someone to talk to and get advice from a professional person.
Make the most of the time at home by bonding closer with your mother. Make her smile by doing things she enjoys such as cooking together, watching her favorite TV show, going for a walk, etc. Try taking her more out of the house to change the environment. This way, she will feel happier, In sha’Allah. She needs to be with people who appreciate her and respects her. This is why she has to spend as less time as possible with your father whilst you are there.
On the other hand, make your father as less angry as possible. Find out what triggers him and try not to push his buttons. Your mother is an independent woman, do not force her to leave him or don anything she does not want to. Remember, she is already controlled by your father and that is the only thing she thinks she can decide herself. Let her have this little confidence in herself. She may know what is best for her, but she just cannot leave him.
May Allah (swt) make your mother’s life easier and guide your father on the right path.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.