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Separated, but I Still Love My Wife

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 14, 2018

Question

Dear Counselor, I feel embarrassed to bother you with my little problem while Muslims around the world are suffering great calamities. Anyway, I recently separated from my wife. She was not a Muslim, but she was a good person. She decided that we are very different, so we separated. I know that was for the best because if we had ever had kids, it would've been a bad idea, and I thank ALLAH for what happened, but the only problem is that I loved my wife so much. I am having some trouble getting over her. Any advice?

Counselor

Answer


Separated, but I Still Love My Wife

In this counseling answer:

• Give yourself some time to heal, and then start searching for a new wife. But don’t rush into a marriage without having some feelings for the woman you choose and be careful never to compare her to your previous wife.

• If you find a suitable girl,  discuss your main subject of concerns at an early stage.


Dear brother,

First of all, don’t ever feel embarrassed to ask your fellow Muslims for help with any problem however trivial or small it may seem. We Muslims must always be there for each other. Actually, solving these little personal problems might be a way to solving the bigger ones concerning the Muslim nation.

You seem to be a very passionate and sensitive person which will be a joy to your new Muslim wife, in sha` Allah.

It seems your wife could not deal with the Islamic way of life. I strongly feel and believe that Allah (swt) is blessing this separation and is preparing for you a lovely Muslim wife, but only if you choose carefully and not in haste.

I know how hard it must be to part from your spouse whom you loved. But you say yourself that it wouldn’t be a good idea to have children together and she herself told you that you were too different.

You are right to thank Allah (swt) for this separation, but also remember to ask Him (swt) for a new wife you can love and who is worthy and able to raise your children. Of course, you loved your wife, but your feelings of hurt after separation are also due to the habit of married life. A great part of the pain will surprisingly disappear after you get married again.

My advice to you, dear brother, is to give yourself some time to heal, and then start searching for a new wife. But don’t rush into a marriage without having some feelings for the woman you choose and be careful never to compare her to your previous wife.

In Islam, it is recommended that married partners share a common way of life, have the same final goal of Paradise. They should be able to help each other fulfill the purpose of their creation and aim to build a well-integrated Muslim family and community.

So what are your criteria for selecting a new wife?

Here are a few suggestions for you:

A Muslim: it is, of course, preferable for you to choose a Muslim wife who will share your purpose of life and will help you reach the final eternity of Paradise. By Muslim, I also mean committed to Islam and is practicing it righteously and from her heart and not just Muslim by name. Otherwise, she won’t be a lot different from your previous wife.

Good looking: A minimal amount of beauty that you are satisfied and happy with is required.

Attraction: In your case, you have to feel at least some attraction towards the woman you choose which will grow into deep love with marriage, in sha` Allah.  Falling in love is not a precondition in Islam. Love is a seed that matures and blossoms within the marriage itself; but, you have to be at least attracted to and like the woman you are about to marry.


Check out this counseling video:


Same or close social standard

Same interests and views: Try to find someone who shares your opinions and way of thinking. For example: If you would like a stay at home mom, then don’t go and choose a work-loving woman.

Discuss your main subject of concerns at an early stage such as

– Level of Islamic knowledge and practice.
-Future career plans.
-Homemaking skills.
-Where to live.

Don’t expect perfection

Don’t expect your future wife to be absolutely flawless, but teach your self to look for her good qualities rather than her flaws.

Get someone to help

You cannot go into this experience by yourself, get your parents, friends, or an Imam to help you find the person you are looking for.

Make dua`a’ for Allah (swt) to bless you with the wonderful loving wife you deserve.

We pray to Allah (swt) that you may find your perfect mate who will share with you both this world and the hereafter.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

We’re Getting Divorced. How to Tell the Kids?

I Wish to Divorce, But What About The Kids?

Are Islamic Divorce Rules Unfair to Women?




About Mona Youssri

Mona Youssri is having 17 years experience as a teacher, including two years as a head teacher (special needs). She has a special sense for children. Following up on her wealth of experience with children, and her MB Bch. at Qasr el Aini Medical School in Egypt, Mona Youssri is currently researching into psychiatry and neurology. She is CLC Founder.

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