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How to Rebuild My Life After Divorce?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Dec 19, 2016

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom. I am a 27 years old divorced woman from Pakistan. It’s been one and a half year since my separation. I want to settle down in my life because my sister-in-laws are not very supportive. They taunt me all the time over my separation. My parents are very silent over the issue. According to them now nobody will marry me, and because they don’t have very social relations outside the family, they can’t find for me anyone. They taunt me in a very bad manner whenever I discuss this issue with them. They think I only want a guy to live with. I am a working woman and have to face many problems due to my divorce. I have been developing a strong hatred for my family. How can I get rid of it? And how can I settle my life myself as nobody is going to help me? Jazakallah.

Counselor

Answer


How to Rebuild My Life After Divorce?

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

Divorce can have such a huge impact on someone’s life because it has an impact on all aspects of life from physical and emotional to financial and psychological and involves many changes. Therefore, it can take a long time to find one’s feet again and that’s is why you are still facing the consequences of this separation until now. This is a time when you need the most support, but unfortunately in your case it seems you are not getting the support that you really need right now and this makes the process of adjustment even more difficult. Understand that it takes time to overcome all the difficulties you face as a result of divorce. This is perfectly normal.

It seems like you are relying solely on your family for support in finding a new spouse, and since they do not support you in this, you feel yourself down. This results in your hatred towards them because you see them as your only option to finding a new spouse. Certainly, if they are adamant that no one will marry you, this is only going to bring your self-esteem down even further.

However, there are other ways by which you can seek a spouse, maybe via friends. Or you may find assistance or advice via online support forums. There are many support forums online for sisters in exactly the same situation as you are. Joining such support networks will provide you with comfort from sisters. It will help you to not feel alone as you deal with the consequences of your divorce. They may also have advice for you on how to go about seeking another spouse. Facing the problems alone without support will make things very difficult, so being socially active is very important. Having the support from others might make it easier to let go of the hatred you feel towards your family as you come to realise that you don’t need to rely on them to find you a spouse and you are receiving support from those who do not taunt you. As you become more comfortable and confident in yourself, this hatred will dissipate, in sha’ Allah, as your self-esteem grows.

Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is a stigma attached to divorced women and, therefore, they find it difficult to find another spouse. Seek solace in the story of our beloved Khadijah (ra) and how the Prophet (saw) married her even though she had previously been married. If the best of men married a previously married woman, then be assured that there is hope. Any good man who wants to follow the footsteps of our beloved Prophet (saw) will not have any problem in marrying you, even if you have been married before. Have faith in Allah (swt) that you are going through a test right now. With patience, He (swt) will see you through successfully. Having this firm faith and comfort in Allah’s mercy will also help to soften your heart and overcome any feelings of hatred that you feel towards anyone in your journey to overcoming your troubles.

May Allah (swt) bring you ease in your affairs and make it easy for you to find a righteous spouse who will bring happiness and stability into your life once more.

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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