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I Wish to Divorce, But What About The Kids?

Questioner

N

Reply Date

Mar 18, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Alaikom. I married a non-Muslim man 10 years ago. We have 2 boys now, a 10 and 9 years old. He converted to Islam after 4 years of marriage, but he became such a rude person since then. He complains for everything, he curses and has bitter tongue. I tried to be patient and accepted everything he said to me. He has never hit me, but he does hit the wall or everything near him when he is angry. In these times, I leave him alone. I let Allah judge him.Years went by, and he’s become even bitter in everything. I tried to accept it, but then 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. I couldn't talk to him or handle him. I got migraine which lasted for weeks. I become sadder and sadder every day and cried a lot. He didn't know about my depression because I decided not to tell him. Then, suddenly, he decided to take the kids’ room for him and told me 5 times to get divorce. I repent to Allah because all of this happened because of me as I did not obey the rule and married a non-Muslim. This is why I am trying to have patience.One day, he told me that he believes in God, but he doesn’t want to do anything like praying, fasting, etc. Few months ago, we went to an imam to get counseling. Afterwards, the imam said that the divorce pronounced by him 5 times will not be taken as talaq (actual divorce). Instead, the imam gave us 3 months to get back together, and if not, then divorce will take place. My heart does not belong to him anymore, but what about kids? What should I do? Jazakallah.

Counselor

Answer


I Wish to Divorce, But What About The Kids?

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

You need to decide if divorce is best for you or staying in your marriage is an option through marriage counseling to work through the issues of resentment and hurt that you described. Although children are a very important factor to consider, you must also consider if staying together is good for the children as well. Children with parents who have negative energy is not necessarily a better solution than “just staying together for the children.” Children can grow up with a lot of suffering if the parents are suffering and fighting constantly. Thus, if you want to do what is best for children, then:

(1) Get marriage counseling first and foremost to see if it will help.

(2) Get spiritual counseling from your Imam to strengthen your faith and implement the prophetic guidance on having a good character with one another.

(3) If you decide to get divorced after the above steps, then consider your legal choices of getting divorce and receiving state aid, and your husband would pay alimony if you are financially dependent on him.

I understand that divorce might sound scary at first, but sometimes it is better for one’s family and faith to leave a situation that is oppressive and destructive. Yet, you must take all measure to heal before knowing this with certainty.

Since you two are in your three month period of reconciliation, reflect on these verses of the Quran from Surat at-Talaq (Divorce). You must consider the Divine guidance in your affairs and request that your Imam explain the whole surat to you and consider how it applies to your situation.

“So when they (women/wife) have reached their prescribed time, then retain them with kindness or separate them with kindness, and call to witness two men of justice from among you, and give upright testimony for Allah. With that is admonished he who believes in Allah and the latter day; and whoever is careful of (his duty to) Allah, He will make for him an outlet,

And give him sustenance from whence he thinks not; and whoever trusts in Allah, He is sufficient for him; surely Allah attains His purpose; Allah indeed has appointed a measure for everything. “(Quran 65:2-3)

These verses give us guidance to behave in equity and kindness during the waiting period and how to divorce. If you have sincerity, trust, and dependence in Allah, He will make a way out for you and provide for you, but you must take practical steps, you and your husband must do your part.

Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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