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How to Moving forward After Divorce?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 23, 2017

Question

I got a divorce recently. As the man, I got married was not responsible enough and he was not supportive in terms of emotions. Whatever happens, he just blames me. He is a person who plans but it is difficult for him to execute. Whenever he plans something that will be dropped out due to his mother and sister. And I am a person who doesn't talk much, but he always forces me to change my character to be open. As I don't talk much with his mother. Even his mother is also a person of an introvert. She always complains about me and my family to him which brought a hatred in his heart for me and my family. And he is not a person who talks much, not interested in any anything. Could you explain to me what type of a person he is? He doesn't know much about romance. He told me he used to masturbate before marriage, most of the time he talks very inappropriately. In the society, few of them told he is psycho but I have no proof for it.

Counselor

Answer


Divorce

In this counseling answer:

“Sister, as you are now divorced from him, I am wondering why this is an issue for you now?  You should be moving forward with your life and putting this bad experience behind you. This is a part of the healing process. If you are constantly thinking about him, the marriage, his faults and trying to find a reason to have “proofs” as to his mental health, this is not moving on, it is clinging to the past which can only hurt you.”


As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about your divorce as well as the difficulties that you experienced while you were married. You asked if  I could explain what kind of person your husband is and stated your husband was referred to as “psycho.” Sister,  I cannot answer your question as I do not know him and I am not his therapist.

For an answer such as you are seeking would require an evaluation by a therapist in his area. Your description of your husband sounds like that of a man who may not be in touch with his emotions, may be angry and resentful as well as a man who let his family run his emotions on a negative point.  However, not knowing all the details it is difficult to determine what may be going on with him.

As far as what you have “heard” in the community about him being “psycho”, sister this is backbiting and gossip and I kindly advise you to avoid this-and those who are talking about him.  It is a severe sin in Islam as you know. 

Regarding his masturbation prior to marriage, it is common even in Islam.  However, sister, it seems that he confided in you and told you, therefore you would be wise to guard his secrets which he trusted with you even though you may feel hurt and angry over how he treated you during the marriage.  Two wrongs do not make a right.

Sister, as you are now divorced from him, I am wondering why this is an issue for you now?  You should be moving forward with your life and putting this bad experience behind you. This is a part of the healing process. If you are constantly thinking about him, the marriage, his faults and trying to find a reason to have “proofs” as to his mental health, this is not moving on, it is clinging to the past which can only hurt you.

Insha’Allah sister, try to move on with your life by focusing on other things. Go out with friends for enjoyable social events. Do things with your family. Take a course at your local community college or take up a hobby. Go to the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events as well as increase your time in worshiping Allah swt. If you feel you cannot get past the hurt that you experienced while married, please do seek out counseling to help you on the path to healing.

Insha’Allah dear sister, once you have healed from this prior marriage and are ready to remarry, please do get to know the man you plan on marrying as well as his family. Take your time doing so, and do so in a halal manner (as you know).  It is so important to know as much as we can about the one we intend to marry to avoid situations such as the one you just went through. Often times, people just marry others that they do not even know!  Sometimes this works out fine, but in other cases, it does not.

It is important to know if you are compatible if one has a mental illness, anger issues, is lazy or otherwise may not be the one for you. While no one is perfect sister, it is best to know as much as you can about the person you are planning to marry, as well as his family.  This may save you from much pain in the future.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 

Read more:

Divorced My Abusive Husband: Help Me Overcome Trauma

I Left Him But Worried About What He Thinks of Me

 

Still In Shock Over The End Of My Marriage




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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