In this counseling answer:
“Understand that what you are going through is a normal response to having been betrayed and going through a divorce. It is important now to take care of yourself and be in good company without looking back and having regrets about what you did or didn’t do. As your faith grows, so will your level of comfort with Allah’s (swt) will.”
Wa ’Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh brother,
Marriage is very much valued in Islam as a protection from so much. We are encouraged to try all we can to make it work, but sometimes it just doesn’t. There is no shame in this.
You tried to kindle your relationship with your spouse despite your hurt feelings; you took some time apart and took advice from a religious leader. You did all you can but unfortunately, she was tempted by Shaytaan and committed a terrible sin which has hurt you deeply – as it would anyone who faces such a betrayal. It is difficult to maintain trust after such a betrayal and can often end in divorce as in your case.
Divorce is difficult and will come with both physical as well as psychological consequences as you are facing, and this is a perfectly normal response. It will take the time to recover and will require much patience. You shared many years together, and despite a bad ending, you had good times too. You will mourn the loss of these times.
However, there are some things you can do to make things easier for yourself during these difficult times. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:
„O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (2:153)
Make sure to take care of yourself. Eat well and exercise for your physical health (as well as your emotional health). Do something that you enjoy doing. If you don’t have a hobby, try something new. This will give you something to keep your mind busy with something positive as you achieve new goals. It also opens the doors to making new friendships with others with similar interests as yourself.
Be in the company of others, old and new friends/family to develop a strong social support network. This will make you feel stronger and better able to face your difficulties as you will not feel alone. This can be key to your recovery along with prayer.
Stay strong in your religion. Pray to Allah (swt) to bring peace in your heart during these difficulties. Everyone’s faith waves, but you can get it back again. Gradually get back into praying again, even if just the bare minimal 5 prayers at first. As your faith grows, perform the voluntary deeds: nafl prayers, fasting and reading more Qur’an. Attend the mosque more regularly and spend time with righteous people. These people will be those who can support you in getting close to Allah (swt) once again.
Furthermore, don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of Shaytaan by looking back and thinking you could have done something differently.
The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:
“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, “if only I had done such and such” rather say “Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha’a fa’ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does).” For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.” (Ibn Majah)
Continuing to look into the past that you cannot change can have the dangerous consequence of contributing to taking you away from your religion and prayers. Changing this present practice will also be a means to strengthen your faith and draw you closer to Allah (swt) once again. You will also find that as your faith rises again and you feel stronger in your deen. You will feel a lot more comfortable in your situation in the knowledge that Allah (swt) will soon bring ease.
“Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (94:6)
Overall, understand that what you are going through is a normal response to having been betrayed and going through a divorce. It is important now to take care of yourself and be in good company without looking back and having regrets about what you did or didn’t do. As your faith grows, so will your level of comfort with Allah’s (swt) will.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to overcome your difficulties and give you the strength to bear it with patience.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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