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My Fiancé Died; I Don’t Want to Get Married

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 17, 2018

Question

Assalaamulaykum.

Months ago my fiancée whom I was planning to marry passed away due to reasons only Allah SWT knows of. I feel hurt, broken, my heart feels shattered. However, I know everything happens for a reason and I pray Allah SWT has mercy on us both and reunites us in Jannah InshaaAllah.

After this has happened to me, I have been trying to improve my relationship with the Deen and I am trying my best to get closer to Allah SWT as I know only He can understand my pain. However, people in my life are (quite insensitively) telling me to move on. But how can I move on if I know in my heart deep down I will always love this man and believe me when I say no one especially in this day and age could match the level of good character and behavior that he had SubhanAllah. May Allah have mercy upon his soul and enter him into Jannah. Ameen.

I am very well aware that marriage is a strong sunnah and it helps us in many ways, saves us from sins, etc. However, I don’t want to marry just for the sake of marrying, or marry and end up ruining someone else’s life because of how I feel. I have the understanding based on my readings that married couples on this earth will be reunited with one another in Jannah. So, if I marry in this world, then I will be reunited with my worldly husband, and not the person who I intended to marry who passed away. I know it may seem like I’m looking into this with great detail, but I am trying my best to concentrate on the deen, salaah, fasting in Ramadan as well as outside, charity etc, and making duaa that I can perform Umrah and Hajj one day InshaAllah.

I just feel so confused and hurt about this topic. I know life is a test and I believe what’s written is written and Allah SWT is the best of planners. Please, don’t get me wrong I am not ruling out marriage 100%, but I feel like if it is meant to be with another person then Allah SWT will make it clear to me and grant me the understanding. It could be maybe it was not meant to be with the person who passed away and maybe Allah SWT will bring me someone else instead. Or maybe it was meant to be but just not in this realm and perhaps Allah SWT is testing me to see how much I really want this and how much I am willing to work towards this. But Allah SWT knows best.

However, I really pray to Allah SWT that He reunites me with him in Jannah as we were not able to in this world. I want to live a good life and help the less fortunate, those who are sick, orphans etc, but I want to do this without marriage... Does this make me a bad person? Am I in the wrong for thinking this way? Surely, if I have good intentions to remain single, I try to do good and refrain from sin I am still worthy of Jannah right? A lot of women (even men too) choose not to marry and I’ve read about several successful Muslim women who chose not to marry and still lived fulfilling respectable lives.

I’m facing pressure to marry (which I know is with good intention) but to the point of even thinking about this subject I have lost my appetite, I have pain in my stomach and frequent headaches. I feel like I will be coerced to marry and if I don’t then I will be looked down upon and judged for not marrying. I know and do agree that marriage has its blessings and it is said to be completing half of your deen. But from my understanding, Allah SWT doesn’t want difficulty or hardships for us and Islam doesn’t teach us to have this attitude or to instill fear in a person making them think that without marriage they are a failure and have not accomplished anything.

I’ve researched a lot but haven’t found a great deal of information. I wish I could go to my local masjid and speak to the imam or someone confidentially to get advice but that service doesn’t exist, unfortunately. A lot of Muslims go through so many different issues, and we should have a point of contact in our local masjids to reach out to for advice but that’s another matter altogether.

I keep making dua to Allah SWT to grant me wisdom and understanding about this situation and help me through this upcoming difficult stage of my life. Please advise me as I feel so broken and confused sometimes. I wish I could get a direct response from Allah SWT but I know it doesn’t work like that. Life can be cruel but Allah SWT is with me and I always have hope that anything is possible and He SWT is capable of anything and can make the impossible, possible again InshaAllah Aameen!

JazakAllah Khair in advance for your reply.

Counselor

Answer


My Fiancé Died; I Don’t Want to Get Married

In this counseling answer:

• Give yourself time to grieve. Don’t feel pressed to make decisions about marriage. Try not to make concrete promises to yourself about the future or never getting married.

• Seek comfort and refuge with Allah. Make duaa, do dhikr, spend time reading Quran and reflecting upon the comforts that are provided from within.

• Take things slow. Inform family members who are seeking to get you married that you are not ready. You have that right.


As Salamu Alaykum dear sister,

Thank you, sister, for your most important question. We are very sorry to hear about your fiancée who passed away recently. May Allah forgive him, have mercy and grant him Jannah.

Sister, in this life we never know what is going to happen. We can only trust in Allah and know that Allah knows best. While it may be heartbreaking, we must re-evaluate our faith in these situations and turn to Allah for comfort and guidance.

Grief & Loss

The loss of your fiancée is a truly a sad situation. You both had many wonderful plans, hopes and dreams for the future. I can imagine you are in a deep pain and loss as well as left with a lot of questions, some which you have inquired about here. Sister, it’s only been a few months since your fiancé passed away. It is normal and natural to still be feeling heart-wrenching pain. You are still grieving and that is natural.

There are five stages of grief and loss. They are: “1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

There are other models of the grieving process but they mostly outline similar senses of emotions. Everyone experiences grief differently. There are some patterns and stages, however, which share commonalities.

It appears from what you wrote that you may be in the stage of depression. You have already accepted that your fiancé has passed away. You probably experienced some anger regarding this incident.  You have probably also prayed to Allah regarding your fiancé’s death and now you appear to be in a depression.

Moving through the stage of depression can be difficult. I would kindly suggest sister that insha’Allah you give yourself time to grieve. Don’t feel pressed to make decisions about marriage. Try not to make concrete promises to yourself about the future or never getting married.

I also kindly suggest that you journal daily and write down what you’re feeling. By doing this, it can help sort out your feelings, emotions as well as your progress in your healing journey. Day by day, you should see some growth and progress in how you are feeling. It may take some time, please don’t rush it.

Please, reflect upon your Journal weekly to see if you’ve made any progress in respect to writing about positive memories, hopeful plans for the future and a general decrease in depressive thoughts. Trust in the process and trust in Allah. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that if your depression does become quite severe that you do seek out counseling to help you through this process.


Check out this counseling video:


Trust in Allah

Inshallah, as you move through the grieving process your feelings about the future will begin to strengthened and your heartbreak will be comforted. This is acceptance and with that, hope for the future.

I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you seek comfort and refuge with Allah. Make duaa, do dhikr, spend time reading Quran and reflecting upon the comforts that are provided from within. Allah is the best of healers. Try to spend time with other sisters for encouragement and uplifting. Attend Islamic events in your community as well as the Masjid for prayer and spiritually uplifting.

Sister, this life is filled with tests and trials. We never know for sure what is ahead of us. Thus, it is important to make every minute count, especially regarding our relationship with Allah. You stated that after this happened, you started to improve your relationship with Allah, as you know that “only He can understand your pain”. I encourage you to continue on this path for surely it is the right path with many blessings.

Striving for Jannah

I understand that your fiancé was the man you wanted for your life partner. I also understand at this time is very hard to even contemplate marrying somebody else. The person whom you feel was your life partner (husband to be) has passed away. It is this that was written, which you must accept. Whether or not you will be together in Jannah only Allah knows. We know that husbands and wives will be together in Jannah. It also states that Jennah is a place where everybody will be happy and everybody will have with “her” heart desires.

We see these illustrations here:

“First and foremost, those that were married will enter together. The scholars say that the first relationship that Allah created in the world was that of Adam and Eve.’ and “Ibn Kathir goes through these possibilities of what would happen in Jannah for people, he says for example that someone you loved in Dunya but you were unable to marry for some reason, you’ll be married to that person “.  

Sister, Jannah is described in Qur’an and in authentic hadiths, yet we know very little about Jannah except that if admitted by Allah’s mercy we will have our heart’s content.

You may wish to write our section “Ask the Scholars” as I am not an Islamic scholar and perhaps they can be more helpful with this particular question. I can advise you, however, to remember that Allah is just and merciful and rewards his faithful servants.

The Healing Journey

Sister, please do continue on your healing journey. Take things slow.  Inform family members who are seeking to get you married that you are not ready. You have that right. You cannot be forced to marry sister; it is your decision alone. When you are ready to marry, you will know.

In the same line of thinking, you asked about living a single life. Yes, people can remain single their whole lives and live successfully. Yes, you can reach Jannah if you are single. Jannah is not determined by whether we are married or not, many have died single (such as your fiancé). While we do not know who will be admitted only Allah knows, marriage is not a requirement to Jannah. However, living a single life is trying. It is a hard, lonely road.

The Qur’an is the best of guides for a successful life here on earth and it does state that marriage is of high importance. It is also important to choose the right spouse.

Conclusion

While you feel that your “right one” is now gone, Allah may have another one for you. I ask that insha’Allah once you have healed, you keep an open mind and trust in Allah. Insha’Allah gets involved with Islamic activities and get closer to Allah, your perspective may soon change.

We wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

The Man I Love Died in a Car Accident; How to Move On?

How to Cope with Husband’s Sudden Death?

My Brother Died Suddenly; I Feel Heartbroken




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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