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My Husband, the Marijuana Addict

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 19, 2017

Question

My husband was addicted to Marijuana. I knew something was wrong for the last two years but had no idea what it was. One day, I found it in his bag. I considered splitting up with him, but I love him and I want our marriage to work. I have given him one more chance. I have given him rules to follow and if he doesn’t follow them, then I’m through with him. But he has ruined my trust for him. If he does what he is supposed to do, will I ever trust him again? Every time he does something strange, I end up constantly asking him if he is back on the stuff. He lied to me and hid things, and the trust is totally gone. I am always stressed out and I find it hard to relax. I’m scared that we might end up back in that old life and I refuse to go there. I want my husband back the way he was before this problem. Am I just fooling myself into thinking he can change? Do you have any advice for me on if I will be able to trust him again? I feel like I worry about things too much. I don’t like people who cheat, steal or lie and I feel like he has done all three. Any advice would be really helpful to me. Thank you.

Counselor

Answer


My Husband, the Marijuana Addict

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

To address your issues regarding your husband’s substance abuse, it is important to recognize this healing will require two phases.

Phase I: Rebuilding Trust

In order to rebuild trust, we must trust! It sounds like your husband has not been able to achieve this with you yet based on what you said, “I have given him more than one chance, but he has ruined my trust for him.”

This will not be easy, yet is attainable with time and sincere effort from both of you! It did not work before because your husband must truly believe this is an issue and want to do it for himself not just you. The first wall of an addict is denial. Denying there is an actual problem will not allow a person to acknowledge the reality of their addiction.

You asked, “Can I ever trust him again even if he gets better?” The answer is yes! If you two are able to move forward with specific actions items that will provide constant reassurance and security, then you can purge all dishonesty and doubt. Once you can have a good streak of consistent trustworthiness, your most recent memories and experiences will not be of dishonesty and betrayal but rather security and honesty.

Some examples of this include him doing drug tests, keeping transparency around his whereabouts, and how money is being spent. If you observe him acting “off”, you can ask him questions and he must be willing to answer without being defensive – especially if he has nothing to hide.

Phase II: Substance Abuse Counseling

In order for your husband to really prove to you he must take serious actions that demonstrate his dedication to healing. I would recommend he joins a 12 step program in your area or see a substance abuse counselor for professional support that helps with overcoming addiction. It is unlikely that he can do it on his own despite what he believes. If that was the case, then he would have already!

I would also recommend you use this website for helpful resources and tips.

It is important to recognize that this will take time and patience by both of you. You should not “throw his addiction in his face” every time you get upset with him because this will likely lead to him using it again. Remember, addicts use their drug of choice in order to escape reality and experience pleasure and false joy in place of their actual reality. Often times, there is a deeper wound (or wounds) that needs to be healed, and the drug of choice is the crutch that has been used over the years to cope with whatever it is they need to escape or avoid. This knowledge and awareness is essential for your healing phase together because if the root causes for the addiction is not mended, then it may arise again in the future.

Common wounds that people have as addicts are lack of fulfillment and purpose in life, feeling inadequate, stressed, anxious or sad about their current affairs. I would recommend both of you to try discovering this together – optimally with a counselor – by asking yourselves, “What is it in our life that causes you to need to escape and find pleasure outside of one’s self?” “What pain or discomfort are you trying to avoid and escape from?”

Remember, the more one tries to avoid dealing with the wounds, the longer they will damage one’s soul. Escaping the confrontation and radical honesty with one’s self will not change the actual reality of the wound.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for both of you to do what is best!

Amin,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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