In this counseling answer:
• It is important that you take your family into confidence about what you are going through.
• I would advise you to stop fearing the worst and become assertive with your husband about your relationship with him. Tell him that you are absolutely not ready to live this way and keep your daughter under his shadow if he does not change.
• If your husband still fails to change, be prepared and strong enough to leave the relation to save your life and your daughter’s.
• Having a good social circle will help you to cope better and heal quickly.
• Connect with God.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Ma sha ‘Allah, you are a strong lady and are putting up with life’s trials bravely. I can hardly imagine how difficult it must be for you!
From what I have understood from your post, you have mentioned that your husband is a drug addict. He cheats on you. He is involved with other girls and does not care for you or your daughter. Further, your mother-in-law also abuses you emotionally. You have been separated from your husband once but have returned to him as your family wanted your daughter to have a father. Your husband took an oath that he would change, but he has not changed any of his ways. He does not let you work and accuses you of being a cheat. And now you’re at a point that you dislike him and do not want anything to do with him. However, you are also worried about the future and need help in making the “right” decision.
Sister, you are at a difficult point, indeed. However, you need to make a decision to move forward. Since you do not have any feelings for your husband, he is draining you out emotionally and mentally. He is not willing to change. It would be best if you decide to go your own separate ways. Living in such a relationship will not only be toxic to you, but also for your daughter.
As you have mentioned, taking drugs is haram in Islam. It makes a person not just far from Allah, but it also makes on shirk their worldly and familial duties. And since your husband is involved with other girls, there is a possibility he commits adultery which also increases your risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease.
I understand that living in this relationship is having a heavy toll on you. This makes you less able to use your potential, do your Ibadah and look after your daughter. Also, right now, your daughter is too small to understand all this. However, InshaAllah, one day when she grows up and understands everything, she will question what kind of relationship the two of you have. As a result of living in a negative family environment, she may even develop negative feelings towards marriage and life in general.
It is important that you take your family into confidence about what you are going through. You have mentioned that you are afraid to have any more children. In your situation, it is absolutely understandable. I would advise you to stop fearing the worst and become assertive with your husband about your relationship with him. Tell him that you are absolutely not ready to live this way and keep your daughter under his shadow if he does not change. Let him know that if he wants to keep you both, he has 3 months (or more: but be specific about the time period) to change. Pray to Allah in the meanwhile to change his heart and bring him to the straight path.
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Sister, Islam gives you the right to annul the marriage in case you are not happy and your rights are not met. While divorce is not favored in Islam, desperate situations do call for desperate measure. If your husband still fails to change, be prepared and strong enough to leave the relation to save your life and your daughter’s.
Once you have fully accepted and made the decision about leaving the relationship, your life will not become any easier. You would have to work hard to bring up your daughter as a single mother. Further, the society will put hundreds of questions on you. But you will need to be firm.
While you recover from the emotionally abusive relationship, make sure you implement the following strategies to help you heal.
Connect with Allah – Get closer to Allah by praying, supplicating, reciting the Quran. In Quran, Allah SWT says:
“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do the hearts find rest.” (13:28)
Also, connecting at your community mosque will help you get closer to other sisters who are going through hard phases of life. Having a good social circle will help you to cope better and heal quickly.
Stay positive – While this may be a difficult phase of life, know that Allah has planned out better things for you, InshaAllah. You are young, energetic, well-educated, Masha’Allah, and the world is full of opportunities. You just have to trust Allah and maintain a positive outlook on life.
Find a creative outlet – Find a creative outlet or hobby that sets your mind free from worries. Whether it is painting, knitting, going out for a walk or trying hairstyles for your baby girl, indulging in a creative activity will help you heal your emotional abuse and trauma quickly.
Start working –Working will also help you gain some peace of mind. In addition, it will also help ease your financial worries. It will make you self-dependent and will help with raising up your daughter.
Work on healing yourself and your self-esteem – Emotionally abusive relationships often lead to self-doubt, shattered self-confidence, and lowered self-esteem. If you want to do self-help therapy, there are several online resources to enhance your self-esteem. However, if you feel you would not be able to do it on your own, get help from a professional therapist.
Focus on your daughter; she needs you the most – Your daughter is innocent in all this. Remember to take care of her and take out time for her. Be her guide in Islam as well as in this world.
May Allah protect her and you from all evil.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.