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When a 15-Year-Old Girl Falls In Love

Questioner

M (15_female_Pakistan)

Reply Date

Mar 24, 2019

Question

Let me tell you something before I start: I love my parents a lot as they have given me every happiness in life a child would want, so to hurt them would be the worst thing ever. Some years ago, I fell in love with a guy who happens to be three years younger than me, and initially, it was a sister-brother kind of relationship because I never in my life could think of going for a guy younger than me.

It just happened and I could not stop myself then and there and I wanted to tell my parents that I do not look at him like I used to, but things just got out of hand with my parents. I had a done a lot of wrong like lying and stealing, but never to the extent that it would be very harmful to my family.

After a lot of struggle, I realized my family would not say yes; therefore, I let go of one of my deepest desires ever and dumped him, as I could not go against my father—he is the closest to my heart. I would like to bring to your notice that the reasons given to me were that the guy had a history (which I strongly believe all boys have), he was younger (no problem in Islam), and he was not stable to take care of me (a relevant point).

I understood my parents’ concern and wanted to show them I did care for them; therefore, I left him. He, on the other hand, fought with his parents and made them ready for me but then I dumped him. Two years of not being with him left me devastated and an emotional wreck as I missed him a lot and somewhere knew I would be happy with him, but I did what I thought was right.

Now, due to some reason, I had the chance to talk to him again and I came to know that he had never given up the idea of me and was coming to get me once he finished his education and was planning to work. I was in the air and thus, even with all the resistance I wanted to keep, I could not.

I am now back with him. I believe he loves me and I love him too but I am failing to make my parents or family understand me on it. I do not want to lie again, and I do not want to see them hurt because I do love them a lot. I am really confused. I even performed the Istikharah Prayer about him and got a good response.

Please help me. I ask Allah for guidance every single day and ask forgiveness from Him for lying to my parents. But my heart is not in my hands, particularly as I know he is still as I left him. How can I leave him again? Please help me.

Counselor

Answer


Love, Teens

 In this counseling Answer:

•Your parents should be of concern to you, but at this point, if you are involved in a pre-marital relationship you are disobeying Allah and, therefore, your primary goal should be to give up this relationship until and unless you can

•If you truly believe this young man will bring you closer to Allah and you are convinced that the Istikharah Prayer has resulted in a positive inclination towards marrying him, even then you will have to have the permission of your father since he is your wali or guardian.

•Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah to guide you and to bless you with a husband who is pious and uplifts your faith, your family, and helps you in the future.


As-Salamu `Alaikum,

Thank you for “bumping” into our Web site. We appreciate your trying to reach out to us. Here are some thoughts for your consideration.

Respect your parents

First, Allah Most High knows well the love you have for your parents and the sincere desire which you have to please Allah as well as your parents.

In His ultimate wisdom, Allah Most High revealed in Surat Al-Israa’ [17] verse 23, that

 “Your Lord has decreed, that you worship none save Him, and (that you show) kindness to parents.”

Reflect on this verse and read the tafseer to help you grasp the deep meaning conveyed in this verse and other such verses in the Qur’an.


Check out this counseling video


Our parents have a high station in the sight of Allah and, therefore, we are to do everything in our power to show respect and to treat our parents with kindness and love.

Pre-marriage trap 

Second, we are not clear what you mean when you say you are “with” this young man. Then you left him and now you are back “with” him. In Islam, there is no being “with” a man or a woman unless you are together “with” a marriage contract.

If you are in fact talking about a pre-marital relationship, then we suggest that there really is no discussion about whether or not you should worry about displeasing your parents.

The real discussion should be when you are going to stop disobeying Allah Most High.

Your parents should be of concern to you, but at this point, if you are involved in a pre-marital relationship you are disobeying Allah and, therefore, your primary goal should be to give up this relationship until and unless you can get married to this man.

Is it worth?

Third, suppose you are ready to marry this man, at that point, you will have to take into account the impact that your marriage to him will have on your relationship with your parents.

If you truly believe this young man will bring you closer to Allah and you are convinced that the Istikharah Prayer has resulted in a positive inclination towards marrying him, even then you will have to have the permission of your father since he is your wali or guardian.

You said that your father is closest to your heart. Well, you will have to think this situation through in detail. If your father insists that you should not marry this young man, you will have to ask yourself whether it is worth convincing your father to allow you to marry him.

Only you know best about your family situation and just how difficult life will be for you should you choose to marry this man without your family’s blessing and support.

Think again

Finally, think hard about what you are doing. Why and how did you end up being “with” this man? Is he one who reminds you of Allah? Really? What is it about him that makes you think will help you become closer to Allah?

Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah to guide you and to bless you with a husband who is pious and uplifts your faith, your family, and helps you in the future.

 

And Allah knows best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Daughter Talks Too Much About Love

Is It Real Love or Just a Crush?

My Son Is in Love With His Classmate, How to Handle?

 




About Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman

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