Answer
In this counseling answer:
“My advice to you would be simply to be patient and wait and see what develops and how. There is no reason that I can see for you to jump the gun so to speak and pursue either one of the men until you know what their true intentions are.As I mentioned earlier, premarital relations can be a nightmare for us if not handled in an appropriate manner with both parties involved being upfront and honest with one another about motives and intentions. Islam teaches us that this way is a protection for our hearts.”
As-salamu`alaykum,
Sister, I will do my best to answer your question based on the information you provided. It is a bit difficult to understand your question so please forgive anything that is irrelevant in my response.
First, from the data you provided about yourself, it says you are only 15. I’m not sure whether this is correct or not, because you also say that you are in college.
The reason I mention this is because the way you talk in your question, is as if you are thinking and planning marriage with one of these two men and 15 is quite young (at least in our times) to be contemplating marriage.
Islamically speaking, as I’m sure you know, to talk about members of the opposite sex in the way you do implies that you are ready, willing and able to marry and you would like to pursue one of these two men for that purpose. From your question, however, it is unclear as to the intentions of all parties involved.
One of the most important part of the process of asking someone to marry them is the clarity of intention. Islam is unique in that its teachings encourage us to be clear and unambiguous in our intentions and actions when it comes to marriage.
Typically, relationships of this nature are meant to be dealt with directly and unambiguously to spare hurt and hard feelings. When one party has a clear intention to marry the other, he/she makes that intention known and the other party either accepts it or refuses.
There should be no leading on, long waiting periods, promises that cannot be kept, etc. As such, the marriage process in Islam is direct and unambiguous. After the proposal, both parties then either move forward with marriage or they go their separate ways.
Without this clarity and straightforwardness, we become vulnerable to the pitfalls of pre-marriage relationships and all their ambiguities, traps and often painful and hurtful consequences.
Before you attempt to determine the intentions of the men you are speaking about in your question, it is important that you decide what your intentions are in pursuing one of these men. For example, are you ready and willing to marry? Otherwise and if not, then there is no reason to respond to their advances.
First, you must determine what your intentions are. Then, if you feel you are ready and willing to marry, encourage the man that you are interested in to be clear with his intention so that you know upfront what the individual’s reason is for pursuing you.
As it is still unclear to you what their true intentions are at this point as it sounds like you are still guessing as to what they intend, I would simply wait until one of them makes clear his intention.
There is no point in you ‘pursuing’ either of them at this point for you do not know definitely how they feel about you. Body language and the like can be misleading and confusing as everyone means different things in how they communicate. To me, it would be premature to ‘make a move’ as you say given that you do not know what the true motives are of both of these individuals.
At this point, sister, my advice to you would be simply to be patient and wait and see what develops and how. There is no reason that I can see for you to jump the gun so to speak and pursue either one of the men until you know what their true intentions are.
As I mentioned earlier, premarital relations can be a nightmare for us if not handled in an appropriate manner with both parties involved being upfront and honest with one another about motives and intentions. Islam teaches us that this way is a protection for our hearts.
Lastly (but firstly in terms of importance), I would recommend making continuous du`aa’ to Allah for guidance on choosing a spouse that will be good for you. Listen to your heart and know that Allah hears, sees and knows all and is always there for us when we turn to Him for help and assistance. However, we must always be sure to have Him in our hearts and proximity to Him as our ultimate goal.
Salaam
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.Read
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