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Tempted to Do Wild Things

Questioner

S (15-female-US)

Reply Date

Jan 23, 2018

Question

As-salamu `Alaikum, I hope you will be able to help me in this confusing dilemma I am in. I try hard to be a good Muslim but in a country such as US, I have to say it’s hard. I get all kinds of temptations to do wild things like, throwing my scarf, and walk bear head, going out with guys and have really good time. But I don’t. For some reasons I get cold feet and I don’t do all these. I have never been in any relationship that I can call it "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. I have male friends, more like colleagues. However there are two guys in my vicinity where I attend my college. One is a student and the other an instructor. The student is a Muslim convert, while the instructor is born Muslim. I have been getting vibes from both, that I could swear it means more than what I am really trying to convince myself not to be. I have no notion of what to believe or how to react. I have never been in such situations to really comprehend what is going on. What I really get from them are signals and body language that speaks more than words. The instructor's signals are more visible yet he has never uttered anything towards me. But I can tell it is more than just student/teacher thing. The student's signals are more subtle and discreet yet, he has approached me in many ways to converse with me. Being a Muslim and knowing having a relationship outside marriage is haram, my question is how should I approach this situation? From an Islamic perspective, I want to know how I can handle this situation. Please note that personally I have started to like one of them (the student), while the instructor over whelms me. If I were to deeply take this seriously I would see my chances of marriage with the student and not the instructor, yet contemplating any serious thoughts about my instructor makes me wish it could really happen. I am confused and want to know where do I go from here? Can I approach them? If so who then? If I can approach them how can I put it in a way that won’t look or sound as if I am making a move? Yet I am just trying to give them a go sign?

Counselor

Answer


Heart

In this counseling answer:

“My advice to you would be simply to be patient and wait and see what develops and how. There is no reason that I can see for you to jump the gun so to speak and pursue either one of the men until you know what their true intentions are.As I mentioned earlier, premarital relations can be a nightmare for us if not handled in an appropriate manner with both parties involved being upfront and honest with one another about motives and intentions. Islam teaches us that this way is a protection for our hearts.”


As-salamu`alaykum,

Sister, I will do my best to answer your question based on the information you provided. It is a bit difficult to understand your question so please forgive anything that is irrelevant in my response.

First, from the data you provided about yourself, it says you are only 15. I’m not sure whether this is correct or not, because you also say that you are in college.

The reason I mention this is because the way you talk in your question, is as if you are thinking and planning marriage with one of these two men and 15 is quite young (at least in our times) to be contemplating marriage.

Islamically speaking, as I’m sure you know, to talk about members of the opposite sex in the way you do implies that you are ready, willing and able to marry and you would like to pursue one of these two men for that purpose. From your question, however, it is unclear as to the intentions of all parties involved.

One of the most important part of the process of asking someone to marry them is the clarity of intention. Islam is unique in that its teachings encourage us to be clear and unambiguous in our intentions and actions when it comes to marriage.

Typically, relationships of this nature are meant to be dealt with directly and unambiguously to spare hurt and hard feelings. When one party has a clear intention to marry the other, he/she makes that intention known and the other party either accepts it or refuses.

There should be no leading on, long waiting periods, promises that cannot be kept, etc. As such, the marriage process in Islam is direct and unambiguous. After the proposal, both parties then either move forward with marriage or they go their separate ways.

Without this clarity and straightforwardness, we become vulnerable to the pitfalls of pre-marriage relationships and all their ambiguities, traps and often painful and hurtful consequences.

Before you attempt to determine the intentions of the men you are speaking about in your question, it is important that you decide what your intentions are in pursuing one of these men. For example, are you ready and willing to marry? Otherwise and if not, then there is no reason to respond to their advances.

First, you must determine what your intentions are. Then, if you feel you are ready and willing to marry, encourage the man that you are interested in to be clear with his intention so that you know upfront what the individual’s reason is for pursuing you.

As it is still unclear to you what their true intentions are at this point as it sounds like you are still guessing as to what they intend, I would simply wait until one of them makes clear his intention.

There is no point in you ‘pursuing’ either of them at this point for you do not know definitely how they feel about you. Body language and the like can be misleading and confusing as everyone means different things in how they communicate. To me, it would be premature to ‘make a move’ as you say given that you do not know what the true motives are of both of these individuals.

At this point, sister, my advice to you would be simply to be patient and wait and see what develops and how. There is no reason that I can see for you to jump the gun so to speak and pursue either one of the men until you know what their true intentions are.

As I mentioned earlier, premarital relations can be a nightmare for us if not handled in an appropriate manner with both parties involved being upfront and honest with one another about motives and intentions. Islam teaches us that this way is a protection for our hearts.

Lastly (but firstly in terms of importance), I would recommend making continuous du`aa’  to Allah for guidance on choosing a spouse that will be good for you. Listen to your heart and know that Allah hears, sees and knows all and is always there for us when we turn to Him for help and assistance. However, we must always be sure to have Him in our hearts and proximity to Him as our ultimate goal.

Salaam 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.Read

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About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah

Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.

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