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Son Engaged in a Haram Relationship

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Apr 22, 2018

Question

My son committed zina with his girlfriend. He is 20 years old, and still living with me, what should I do? 

Counselor

Answer


Son, Haram, Sex, Sexual relation

In this counseling answer:

•Sit down with your son and have an open discussion about sexuality, Islamic values, the importance of repentance and finally marriage.

•Ask your son if he is ready to get married and if not, ask him if he is able to refrain from sexual intercourse.

•Discuss with him why zina is haram, what the consequences are spiritually as well as ask him if he has repented and if not.

•Encourage him to read Qur’an, keep his 5 daily salats and make dua.


As-salamu alaykum,

Your son is at the age wherein many young adults, both Muslim and no-Muslim slip into this type of haram behavior.

As hormones and desires are at a high level, it is hard to control, hence the Islamic rules for not dating or being alone with the opposite sex.

I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your son and have an open discussion about sexuality, Islamic values, the importance of repentance and finally marriage.

Getting married

I would ask your son if he is ready to get married and if not, ask him if he is able to refrain from sexual intercourse.  If he is not ready to marry this girl, as the parent and as it is your home, it is within your rights as he is an adult to state that as a condition of him living there, he must abide by Allah’s laws as well as yours-which means he needs to stop seeing this girl and live within Islamic boundaries.

Calm talk

I would also suggest that when you do talk to him, try to keep the conversation calm, non-accusatory and non-judgmental. While this may be hard as the offense is severe if you do not- it will only shut him down and push him away.

Your goal is to make him feel comfortable in speaking with you so you can bring him closer to you and closer to Allah as well as getting on the right path in Al-Islam insha’Allah.

Why zina is haram

I would offer him a set of skills to help him overcome his desire to commit zina as is prescribed in many Islamic video’s, articles and lectures.

I would also kindly suggest that you discuss with him why zina is haram, what the consequences are spiritually as well as ask him if he has repented and if not, explain repentance to him as well as the dire need for him to do so.

While he may already know, reminders are needed for everyone in this life from time to time.  Seek to build up his iman as well as try to connect him to Islamic study groups for young single men.

Encourage him to involve himself in Islamic social outings rather than being immersed in haram activities. Talk to him about the benefits of purity and remaining free from zina.

Ask him if he wishes for his future wife to be pure, and if so, should she expect him to be pure as well. This will encourage him to think insha’Allah.

By engaging him in an open conversation and allowing him to express his needs, fears and struggles, you are opening the door to true communication which insha’Allah may bear great fruits of repentance, understanding and a change in behaviors.

Get  your son on the right path

Encourage him to read Qur’an, keep his 5 daily salats and make dua. As he is your son and you love him, your goal is to draw him closer to you and Allah as his life depends on his relationship with Allah SWT.

As a parent it is beneficial to try as best we can to get our children on the right path, even when they are grown, they are still out children.

Lastly, I would begin to prepare your son for marriage for either now or in the future.

 

Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is reported to have said,  “ Oh young men! Whoever is capable [financially and otherwise] to [afford the expenses] of marriage, let him do so. [Marriage] helps one control his eyesight and chastise his private parts. But, he who can’t afford the marriage expenses, let him observe fast as it would [act] as a protector for him” 

 

You and your son are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

Salam

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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