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She Left Me For A Lie

Questioner

K (20-male-UK)

Reply Date

Mar 31, 2017

Question

As salamu 'alaykum, I am 20 years old and don’t dare to talk with my parents about this problem, so I want your advice as parents. Four months ago, my friend who loved a girl and she also loved him. They planned to marry, but there were some problems. I went some times with my friend, when he met her and every time I saw her, I developed feelings toward her, but I always tried to eliminate this feeling, because I know they love each other and plan to marry. However, 3 months later there was a big conflict between my friend and this girl and every one went his way. So I used this chance and told her that I love her and want to marry her. She told me she still has feelings for my friend and she can not think about a new future with someone else so quickly. However, I tried everyday and tried to let her forget my friend, and so she started to develop feelings toward me. Well for one month everything was perfect and we talked about marriage. Everything was perfect until last Wednesday, we were studying together and then I got a message on my phone. She asked me who wrote to me. I said my mother, but she didn't believe me. She checked my phone and saw that the message was from my cousin. She got very angry and asked me why I lied for a stupid reason, was it so difficult to say my cousin wrote to me. I apologized and said I don't know why I lied. She was angry. I phoned her everyday and told her forgive me and wrote her many messages and emails, but then on Saturday she told me to forget it, that I am a liar, and that she will delete my number, not call, write or email, etc. All this because of one stupid lie. I wrote her many apologies. Even her sister told me my sister overreacts, you didn't commit a crime. She really deleted me from her account, and put my email in the 'Junk Box' and her sister told me that she trashed all my letters and photos and my phone number and messages. I then saw her by chance and asked her "Why did you treat me so? " She told me: "Who lies one time, can lie many times. And a thing that begins wrong, will end badly. Good bye forever. I will marry my cousin".I still love her, but I don't know what to do. The only thing I did wrong was to tell a stupid lie. My question: What should I do? I want to get her back? But I don't know how. Should I create some distance and then try again? How many days or weeks should I leave her a lone for? Please help me.

Counselor

Answer


LEFT

As salamu ‘alaykum,

In your question, you asked for help “as a parent” which encourages me to do so from the heart of a caring mother.

Dear son, I can’t proceed to answer your four questions without giving you a small introduction so please bear up with me till the end.

Any wise person can tell that a building is going to fall soon after it is built. Not because he has the sixth sense, but simply because the foundations are so weak. If it can stand the strength of the wind only once, it can’t bear the coming rains – we have to build strong foundations for a building to remain standing…  Marriage is not just solid, bricks, sand/cement, but is soul, flesh, and blood – for this marriage needs a very strong base. This base consists of two pillars, first the people who are getting married, and second the environment and circumstances surrounding them.

First the people, in this case you as a husband, would become the MAN (not the male) the pillar of your household, the shoulder for everyone to lean on, the provider for the family (after Allah) the one who is responsible for your wife, your children, their deen, morals, behavior, the one who is supposed to solve their problems, depending on your wisdom, deen and life experience. To gain these things you have to work hard with yourself to discover it. It is easy to gain physical maturity, while the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional maturity are not as easily gained.

*Read Qur`an on a daily basis and join a halaqa with wise people to teach you more about hifz,tafsir,figh,aqeeda  and this will help to guide you in life.Choose friends that would add to your life not suck your time like a vampire into superficial things

*Choose friends that would add to your life not suck your time like a vampire into superficial things

*Read on different topics, enjoy your work and take up some activities

*Try to comprehend your mission in this life, why did Allah create you and don’t wait until you become old only to know that you have spent your life in vain away from its real purpose.

*Build a good successful career as this is what Allah needs from us, to be successful in dunya(this world).

*Ask yourself: Why am I getting married? ‘Because every body does’ is not a good reason. A wise man is the one who knows what marriage really means, who knows the nobility, goals, and requirements of marriage.

Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). It provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological companionship. This companionship generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual confidence, solace and succor, and sakinah, calm.

“Marriage is a commitment and a relationship that starts in this dunya, and will continue in sha ‘Allah into Paradise together,” says Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis, Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council

Second and when you finish dealing with yourself look then for a suitable spouse with suitable circumstances. Are you sure want a good a marriage, not just a marriage?

Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse?

Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet Muhammad said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty or her religion; choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust: (Bukhari 9:08).

You are not looking only for a soul mate (though important ), but you are looking for the mother of your children, the one you will care for, for the rest of your life so take your time and don’t rush.

We cant start our life with a bunch of problems. No one can deny that however, the marriage is successful, there will be some difficulties as people are not and will not be identical in every thing. So a wise man would choose suitable, compatible circumstances so as not to add “ an everyday fight “ to your life.

I am perfectly aware that you were in a very painful situation; love is always something that expresses our inner needs, our dreams and our plans for life. Sometimes we need to love someone, but we don’t let our emotions control us.

For “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” (Abu Dawud 41 # 5111)

Now let’s  have a deeper look at your question:

The foundation: What a fragile foundation you are choosing for your life. You are not the only one who lied and cheated, both of you did, you took serious matters of life lightly as a game…Now loving this …and before four months love that… then after few days going back to this, and studying alone with… “memories and beautiful days” “messages and emails”  “You have only used me to forget …., you are a liar, a bad person, to hell with you”… THESE ARE YOUR WORDS

Lets have a look at her words “Who lies one time, can lie many times. And a thing that begins wrong, will end not good”… by the way this applies to both of you as you both lied. Allah says:

{Is he, therefore, better who lays his foundation on fear of Allah and (His) good pleasure, or he who lays his foundation on the edge of a cracking hollowed bank, so it broke down with him into the fire of hell; and Allah does not guide the unjust people (At-Tawbah 9:109)

Now son look how you have messed around with your treasure-able “ youth” – this period of your life will not last forever. Stop now, take a deep breath, put your faith in Allah who created billions of people and can give you whom you deserve only when you deserve her.

Time is a great healer. Create some distance, and look at your life from a different angle you will see that all does not begin and end with one person. In sha’ Allah, you will see clearer.

And finally – Any good is from Allah and any mistakes are from myself.




About Mona Salama

Mona Salama is a Medical Nutrition Specialist. Parenting Counselor and hold an Ijaza in Islamic Da`wah. She Graduated from Faculty of Medicine-Cairo University.

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