Answer
In this counseling answer:
•If you want to help your friend, I kindly suggest that you advise her to address her traumatic past of sexual assault by getting counseling. Her feelings of shame is a key indicator of possibly deeper issues. It is also the tip of the problems you are presenting as there may be underlying issues that may be unknown to you, but very painful for her.
I kindly suggest that you consider talking to her about her mental health (if she will disclose to you), and encourage her insha’Allah to seek out counseling. By addressing and healing from a traumatic past, she can move forward in her life as a more healthy and empowered young woman.
As-salamu alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us. In regards to your friend, the issue right now is not about her masturbating but it is about the sexual harassment she endured as a child by her cousin. That is a severe sin in Islam and a legal crime on the part of the cousin, worse than masturbation.
It is traumatizing to the victim (your friend) and can have lasting consequences much worse than masturbation such as PTSD, anxiety disorder, phobia’s, fears, depression, shame and in extreme cases suicide.
While you may only know the part wherein she masturbates (which is common is most people her age and younger and older) there could be deeper issues she is dealing with which you do not know of. You stated she hinted around to her parents of her need to get married. Has she told them of the sexual assaults/harassment that went on when she was a child? If not, who did she tell? Did she ever get counseling for the sexual assault?
If you want to help your friend, I kindly suggest that you advise her to address her traumatic past of sexual assault by getting counseling. Her feelings of shame is a key indicator of possibly deeper issues. It is also the tip of the problems you are presenting as there may be underlying issues that may be unknown to you, but very painful for her.
Check out this counseling video
Sexual assault is not an act of passion but an act of violence, your friend’s desire to masturbate and her fear of zina may be related to her fear of loss of control and safety. While natural sexual desires in human beings often present as masturbation or actual sexual intercourse, please remember your friend had a un-natural, complex and violating experience as a young child thus it is unknown if her current sexual desires are haunted with these memories as a child.
Insha’Allah, she will get counseling and realize that the sexual assault was not her fault, she is not to blame and she should not feel shame, the abuser is the one who is shameful, not her. The issue of masturbation may be tied in with her trauma or it may not be. She may be of age and need to be married however if she has not received counseling for the traumatic past she endured she may risk bringing these issues into marriage and thus putting that marriage at risk.
I kindly suggest that you consider talking to her about her mental health (if she will disclose to you), and encourage her insha’Allah to seek out counseling. By addressing and healing from a traumatic past, she can move forward in her life as a more healthy and empowered young woman.
Encourage her to remain chaste, to pray, to know that Allah loves her and is most merciful.
She is in our prayers, please let us know how she is doing.
Salam
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