Is It Real Love or Just a Crush? | About Islam
Home > Ask About Parenting > Young Hearts & Minds > Is It Real Love or Just a Crush?

Is It Real Love or Just a Crush?

Questioner

A (19-male-Austria)

Reply Date

Mar 10, 2018

Question

As- salamu ` alaykum, My problem, dear counselor, is that I fall in love very much—too much—so that I can't decide if it is real love or just a crush. I mean, in the past, people said to me I am going through puberty and it is normal at this age to fall in love. But I am 19 now, so is it still normal? Is it real love when I fall in love now or again just a "puberty crush"? You see I am living in Austria and the temptations are too much but al-hamdu lillah I never had a girlfriend, but I need somebody to love for the future (to become my future wife) and I am studying medicine (it will take, in sha’ Allah, 6 years) so I can see who would be possible as a future wife. But how can I test this? Talking to women is forbidden and if I talk or so, how should I know is it real love forever or just a crush until another one comes? In the past I said thousands of times that it is real love, but time has shown it was just a crush. So how do I know? How do I talk within Islamic boundaries and search for a future wife and know that she is "the one"? As you noticed, I say I am searching for a future wife and I am living in Austria. This is exactly the problem; nearly 98% of the girls are non-Muslims and so I just know non-Muslims but this is not the only problem. You know every person is different and I am a person who prefers Western girls over Arabic girls because I lived all my life in Austria and learned how they are, and how to deal with them, etc. But for sure I will not take any bad girl from the West. I will search for a kind, friendly person who is interested in Islam, etc. And I think this is not haram as there are many examples of many great scholars who marry non-Muslims. The problem is bigger, because of my mother who always tells me or better orders me "YOU WILL MARRY A MUSLIM!" So I also don't know how to deal with my mother. Sorry for this long question and I hope you can help me.

Counselor

Answer


Real love

In this counseling answer:

“It is perfectly natural for you to be interested in women at your age, however. That is why at this point in your life, until you are able to marry, it is best for you to focus on yourself – your studies, your inner growth and your relationship with Allah. Young adulthood is the perfect time to acquire knowledge and experiences for personal growth that you will need once you are ready to marry and start a family.”


As- salamu`alaykum.

Brother, I think the issue here is not whether you are in love or not, but what you are ready and capable of doing at your age and given your life situation. You say you are 19 and in medical school for another 6 years. If so, are you ready to get married at this time? If not, then the issue is not really an issue. Until you are ready and able to marry, there is no reason to be concerning yourself with whether you are in love or not. Also, it is hard to imagine being in love with someone whom you have never spoken with.

“Love at first sight” is more of a Hollywood creation than anything else. Besides, as Muslims we are taught to marry for religion first—that is, to look at what type of character and level of God-consciousness and compassion our potential spouse has. Physical attraction is also a factor, of course, but should not be the first determinant as to whom we marry.

It is not fair to test a woman to see if she will be “wife material” 6 years down the road. Engaging in that kind of relationship now can only lead to confusion and frustration that are harmful to you both spiritually and religiously. As such, I would hold off until you are definitely ready and able to marry before meeting a woman to see if she might make a good wife.

It is perfectly natural for you to be interested in women at your age, however. That is why at this point in your life, until you are able to marry, it is best for you to focus on yourself – your studies, your inner growth and your relationship with Allah. Young adulthood is the perfect time to acquire knowledge and experiences for personal growth that you will need once you are ready to marry and start a family.

Use the time you have now to acquire knowledge, travel, seek the company of the wise and learned, explore and try new things—discover your true self! If you do not engage in this work now, when the time to marry comes, you will expect your wife to fill that void inside of you and will only be disappointed and frustrated when you realize that another human being cannot fill that void, for it can only be filled by the One. Keep in mind this saying:”The heavens and the earth cannot contain Me; only the heart of my humble and faithful servant is expansive enough to contain Me.”




About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah

Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.

Add Comment


find out more!