A Promise of Marriage to My Classmate | About Islam
Home > Ask About Parenting > Young Hearts & Minds > A Promise of Marriage to My Classmate

A Promise of Marriage to My Classmate

Questioner

Z (21-male-UK)

Reply Date

Oct 03, 2018

Question

I promised my girlfriend to marry her before the appropriate time and without the knowledge of her parents. I found out later that I caused much damage to both of us. We are both losing concentration in our studies. We discussed the problems that could happen in the future. Each one tried to shape the personality of the other for example I shaped her the way I like her, to become independent.

I am still studying, so I can't guarantee my future and what about her future. I have passed through a difficult time psychologically due to the intense pressure of a critical phase of my studies (we study in the same class). This started to have an affect on her. Eventually, I became aware that this was bad timing and the promise of marriage prevented her from knowing other people. So in order to decide who is better for her to marry, what should be the best way to act without breaking her feelings and when is the best time to do that?

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

” It is better for both of you if you tell her as soon as possible. Depending on how much this girl is observant of the demands of her deen, because if she is, it  would give her the emotional resources to get over the separation. Remain polite and cordial and make it known that it is best for both of you to concentrate on your studies.”


As-salamu `alaykum.

Allah (SWT) offers us plenty of opportunity to reflect on our deeds and the direction in which our life is going. It is not clear what it is you want from the situation apart from letting down the girl you have promised marriage in the nicest possible way. I can only assume that you promised her marriage without considering how feasible it would be, but I also question your intention. How as it that you promised her marriage? Were you both together in private without the presence of anybody else? This the inevitable outcome of such meetings. Emotions are stronger in private, and in this way, what is said in private can not be sustained in public.

Going back to your intentions, it seems you now feel burdened by the commitment you made to her. This is inferred when you stated: “Eventually, I became aware that this was bad timing and the promise of marriage prevented her from knowing other people”. If this is how you truly feel right now, then you have to prepare yourself for breaking the news to her and any backlash. You are the one who is familiar with the situation, and as a result of trying to mold (shape) the girl to your desires, the backlash might be greater. There is no way of escaping from this. You can either:

1) Generally speaking, it is better for both of you if you tell her as soon as possible. Depending on how much this girl is observant of the demands of her deen, because if she is, it  would give her the emotional resources to get over the separation. Remain polite and cordial and make it known that it is best for both of you to concentrate on your studies.

2) If on the other hand, you think that this girl will react badly, then you will have to wait until the end of the school year. However, much misunderstanding can take place as she will be under the assumption that you will fulfill your promise, so whether you like it or not, you will have to suffer the backlash for what you have done.

3) Inform your parents as to what you have done. They can contact the girls parents and arrange to discuss the issue. In this way, the girl will get the necessary support she will need through her family and the ‘damage’ can be controlled by the parents who will then become alert to

  1. a) the condition of their children and
  1. b) ensure the best for their children.

However, before informing the parents, you should first inform the girl so that it does not come as a shock to her. This suggestion is based on the likelihood that you both live in the same community which could negatively effect relations between the two families. There is a question of honor here, but you cannot be expected to get out of the situation as easily as you got into it. If your parents are unwilling to go through this, or you are unwilling to tell your parents, be aware that depending on how the girl reacts and depending on how your (both of you) studies are effected, both your families might get pulled into the situation anyway, so it is in your best interest to tell one of your parents at least.

There are no easy solutions, but let this be a lesson on how to involve your parents the next time you think you want to get married!


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Hwaa Irfan

Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.

Add Comment


find out more!