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We Love Each Other But Parents Will Refuse

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 07, 2019

Question

As salamu-aleikum to all sisters and brothers,

I am an 18-year old girl. I have a long distance relationship with a boy, he is 19-year old. We both are from the same country, but we don't live in the same country. We are ”together” now almost 2 years and we are planning for marriage, he is a really good Muslim. But there is a problem, we want to get married but my family is a problem.

My family says always the guy who I will marry someday should be rich and so good educated. They said the guy has to give me too many golds and those things when its proposing time.

So me and this boy, he is not rich, but we can both live together and make good money. And really we love each other. So what should I do when my parents say ”no” to this boy, who is coming for me? If they never say yes for this boy, can I leave my family? Or what? Please, I need help! Thank you so much!

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

•This kind of feelings can easily lead to haram. So for your own protection from sin, it is highly advisable to avoid contact for now.

•You can work on approaching it in the correct way. Ideally, that will involve getting your family on board.

•You also need to try and see things from their perspective that they only want what’s best for you and want to see you marry a spouse that will make you happy.

•Perhaps you can agree to some compromise that they will at least agree to meet him and his family.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is very unfortunate when a couple desire to marry but don’t have the support of the family. It can cause great distress to the couple as you are experiencing leaving them feeling that they should either abandon the option to get married altogether, or whether they should go ahead without the family backing despite the further issues that this may cause.

Type of the relationship

However, in this case, there also the added issue of the type of relationship you are having with this boy, that is, having contact with a boy outside of marriage.

Alhamdulilah, you want to do the right thing and get married to him so he becomes halal to you and such contact becomes acceptable, but for now, until then, for the sake of Allah refrain from contact. This might sound harsh, but you know yourself that being with him, even from afar, has to lead to the development of intimate feelings for each other. This kind of feelings can easily lead to haram. So for your own protection from sin, it is highly advisable to avoid contact for now.

Approach your families

In the meantime, you can work on approaching it in the correct way. Ideally, that will involve getting your family on board. If they become agreeable to the marriage then they will be able to support you both in the process of getting married and then beyond into married life.

Whilst you could get married without them, this may lead to difficulties in the relationship in the future as well as severed ties with family.

Honest discussion

The best place to begin is with honest discussion with them on the topic. They need to know that selecting a spouse should not only be about wealth and worldly matters. These things do not equate to a happy and successful marriage, nor the pleasure of Allah.

At the same time, you also need to try and see things from their perspective that they only want what’s best for you and want to see you marry a spouse that will make you happy. Whilst they may have the wrong idea on what that means to you and what is most important, their intentions are to see you comfortable and happy.


Check out this counseling video


If they knew that you can see their good intentions and that you appreciate that, then they will be more likely to hear and respond to you when you tell them that you are not looking for wealth.

Perhaps you can agree to some compromise that they will at least agree to meet him and his family. If he truly is a good person and his personality shines through then perhaps their heart will change towards the matter of wealth in favour of a good personality.

It is advisable that you at lead try to approach the issue in the most appropriate way that could have more favorable results first before considering more drastic actions such as leaving home to be with him first. Making such a big and dramatic decision without considering such alternatives could have devastating effects all around.

During this time, also take time to ask Allah’s forgiveness for any kind of unacceptable contact you have had with this boy and ask Allah to guide you to what is best. With strong faith and conviction in Allah’s plan, you will be more likely to do what is best for you for your own sake as well as His.

May Allah guide you to what is right and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Ameen

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

My Daughter Wants to Marry Against My Will

Parents Don’t Agree to My Marriage!

Parents Are Ruining My Marriage, What to Do?

 

 




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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