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My Daughter Is Very Aggressive with Us

Questioner

D

Reply Date

Nov 25, 2018

Question

My Daughter is 16 year old, she is a tough-talking person, she always says harsh words to me and to her father, and when we are out side or in family gathering her harsh way of talking often embarrass us, what I do to improve her behavior and to make her a nice talking person?

Counselor

Answer


aggressive girl

In this counseling answer:

• Talk to her but what you say matters supremely. If your talk is only to correct her, you will lose the battle because you are missing the point – whatever that point is – and THAT you have to find out from her. Ask her, what is it you hope to accomplish by this behavior.

• Try to solve that problem – it may be too complex for her to identify, so help her out with suggestions about where she got it from and why she agreed with the idea and started using it for herself.


As-Salaamu alaikum,

We live in a very hard time. In this day and age, this behavior is encouraged in people, and, unfortunately, especially in women as part of the feminist movement – so know that, you are having a battle with not just a person but a whole culture behind her encouraging her behavior.

My first response is talk to her but what you say matters supremely. If your talk is only to correct her, you will lose the battle because you are missing the point – whatever that point is – and THAT you have to find out from her. Ask her, what is it you hope to accomplish by this behavior. Ask her, are you conscious of what it feels like to the other party, i.e., what would you feel if someone talked to you this way – would it encourage you to interact with them? Ask her, what does Allah is One and we are not One mean? in other words, we exist in interaction with others, Allah does not – so what does that mean in terms of how we interact.


Check out this counseling video:


Does this behavior facilitate “equal” interaction between people? If so, how? If not, what does it do – what is she getting out of it. Is she mad, and, if so, about what? Try to solve that problem – it may be too complex for her to identify, so help her out with suggestions about where she got it from and why she agreed with the idea and started using it for herself.

Ask with the intention of finding out what is motivating her and then talk about that motivation – challenge the legitimacy of that – not the behavior – you can say until you are blue in the face that she should not do it and she will never hear you because you are not “hearing” what it is that she is “acting out” for you – acting out means doing charades for you when she does not have the words to express the feelings she has inside – find out what those feelings are and address them, as best you can insha Allah,your task is hard and I could not do it until I studied psychology, so be kind to yourself and ask Allah to help you!

 

And Allah Make it easy for you, insha Allah.


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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery. For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.

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