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Mother Makes Me Depressed. Please Help!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 12, 2018

Question

I am a 21-year-old medical student. And I follow Islam well and obey my parents. I have my share of sins too but alhamdulillah I repent from them and work to protect myself. My parents have given me everything but my mother hates me. She does so because I was a very naughty child and never obeyed when I was young. When I grew up I have become quiet but I don’t have any talent that my parents could be proud of.

Also, I find it difficult to wake up when I sleep so my parents get fed up of waking me. I used to love reading so much that my parents used to get furious with me. I was an above average student but my parents didn’t like that. They pressured me a lot to push my grades up higher but I didn’t manage that high. My mother keeps saying that I am living here because of her Ihsan whenever I get scolded.

Now I am in University alhamdulillah but nothing is better. They give me a lot of lectures, telling me how bad I am, how a useless girl I am, and they even went to the extent of accusing me of having had an issue with a boy just because I was crying. I never talk to boys. My social skills are not good. My communication skills are poor. They judged me on one mistake where I had messaged a random person and they never asked why I am sad or depressed.

I am afraid to speak to them and I have never done so. I live a very miserable life. My mother says it’s because of my sins and my ungrateful ness. I am grateful to Allah and ask forgiveness and pray.

Please let me know what I am supposed to do.

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“I kindly suggest sister that you pull back from these conversations with your parents. Insha’Allah, focus on your studies, try to have fun social times with your friends, go to the Masjid often, read Qur’an and make dhkzir. By drawing closer to Allah swt, insha’Allah you will feel the blessings of a peace and contentment. Allah loves you very much and He has many wonderful things in store for you.”


As salamu alaykum sister,

As I understand your situation your 21 years old, a medical student and you practice Islam as well as obey your parents. Like everybody else, you have had your share of sins, but repented alhumdulilah. You work on protecting yourself from further sinning. You sound like a wonderful young lady!

Sadly, you stated that your mother hates you. You stated that she hates you because “you were very naughty as a child and never obeyed when you were young”. You also said that when you grew up, you became “very quiet and you don’t have any talent” that your parents could be proud of. You used to love to read and your parents used to get mad at that as well. As an above average student you got really good grades, however, your parents pressured you to push your grades up even higher. You are studying at the university, but you stayed nothing is better.

Expectations

I would like to address your parents expectations of you. First of all sister, children have naughty periods when they are little and they don’t always obey. That is just part of the developmental phases of growing up. All children go through these phases.


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Parents should understand this and not develop feelings of resentment towards their child for this. Sadly, however, many parents are caught up on status and feel that their child should be perfect when even they themselves are not perfect. There is no perfect human being. It appears that your parents have expected perfection from you, it does not exist.

Sister, I am confident that you are very bright intelligent beautiful young lady as well as a very good daughter. It is too bad that your parents did not appreciate this. Oftentimes parents in their deep love for us, go overboard in expecting us to be perfect. It can go overboard and end up feeling like hate but it is not. Often parents will focus on their own personal social statuses through their children.

This places an unbearable amount of expectation on their children. The outcomes can be negative consequences because there’s so much pressure and stress and ridicule when these expectations cannot be met. It not only causes problems with a child’s self-esteem but it causes problems between a child and a parent as you are experiencing now.

Sister please know that what you have done is not only sufficient, but it is beyond sufficient. You focused on your school studies, you follow Islam, you obey your parents, and you’re also a medical student. You have accomplished a lot. I kindly suggest sister that you pull back from these conversations with your parents. Insha’Allah, focus on your studies, try to have fun social times with your friends, go to the Masjid often, read Qur’an and make dhkzir. By drawing closer to Allah swt, insha’Allah you will feel the blessings of a peace and contentment. Allah loves you very much and He has many wonderful things in store for you.

Healing from Negative Talk

I know it will be hard to turn off negative talk from your parents, but I encourage you to filter out all the negative information and criticisms that your parents have been giving you for all of these years. You are not what your parents tell you you are. Why some parents are hell-bent on trying to tear down their children is beyond me. My main concern is you. You deserve to be happy, to have a wonderful life, to be uplifted and encouraged, and to have somebody there who is positive. You are a wonderful young Muslima and Allah loves you very much.

In Islam, children have rights over their parents. One of these rights is not to be constantly ridiculed cut-down insulted and degraded. That is a form of abuse. I kindly suggest sister that you seek out a counselor in your area and begin counseling. I can imagine this has made you very depressed as you’ve tried so hard. You have accomplished a lot but it has not been recognized. Counseling will help with your self-esteem, your communication issues, as well as seeing the true you, instead of the person your parents make you out to be.

Lists and Accomplishments

Sister I ask that you make a list. On one side put down all of the accomplishments that you have had since you were a child, until now. Write down nice things that you’ve done or said. On the other side, write down what your parents are saying, your mom especially. Look at both list do they go together? Do they look like they match? No, of course not. One side is wrong. And that is your mom’s side.

Once you realize this you will realize that you have accomplished much and will accomplish more. You are a good person. You’ve been a good daughter and a good Muslim. You are loving and compassionate, you are humble, you love and fear Allah and you are grateful.

Your job right now besides getting good grades, is to learn to Love yourself and to learn how to deflect from the negative and build up the positive. This is your healing Journey. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

May Allah (swt) help you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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