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Mother Is Always Unhappy with Us



Reply Date

Mar 13, 2018


As-salamu alaikum, I just want to ask something and confess something. I have a bad relationship with my mum, everyone around me told me she is toxic and I'm better off without her, I tried to please her as much as I can, I tried my best to the fullest but she won't be pleased. For example, I passed my exam when I was in high school, she wasn't pleased and didn't say anything, but my dad, on the other hand, he congratulated me. My sister agreed with me that our mother isn't sincere about having us as her children because every time she feeds us and gives us clothes she would say something like "why do you always steal and waste my money", although we never do.My sister and me are afraid to go against her or even talk normally to her. If we talk softly about our opinions she would just shout at us even if our statement was logical. My sister is 25 now and she is still controlled by my mum. We don't know what to do and we're scared of her. Even our dad won't speak up to our mum.



Feeling My Mother Unhappy for Having us

In this counseling answer:

“While I cannot offer a professional opinion, I can suggest that perhaps she is suffering from depression or anger issue-perhaps from past trauma in her life or other mental health disorder.  I do not know thus I do recommend family therapy insha’Allah if she is willing.  This is something you may want to discuss with you dad insha’Allah.”

As-salamu Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear what you and your sister (and your dad) have been going through with your mom. I can imagine it is an easy situation to live with. You sound like a wonderful daughter mash’Allah, may Allah swt reward you for your patience as well as the respect and honor that you continue to show your mom despite her harsh and confusing behaviors.

I would kindly suggest dear sister, that you and your sister take your dad out for lunch, coffee or other quite, relaxing environment in which you can talk freely. Express to him your feelings and concerns regarding your mom, and ask him if there is anything he knows about her that can help both you and your sister deal with your mom or understand the situation better.

Please do insha’Allah assure your dad that everything will be held in confidence. Perhaps your dad has been struggling with certain issues with your mom for a long time, not quite sure how to deal with her (you stated even he will not speak up to her). Now that you and your sister are older, insha’Allah your dad can shed some light or insha’Allah as a family perhaps you all can think of a way or a plan of action to help your mom over-come whatever it is that is causing her to feel and act in this way.

While I cannot offer a professional opinion, I can suggest that perhaps she is suffering from depression or anger issue-perhaps from past trauma in her life or other mental health disorder.  I do not know thus I do recommend family therapy insha’Allah if she is willing.  This is something you may want to discuss with you dad insha’Allah.

Sister, please know that your mom loves you dearly.  For some reason, she is unable to show you and your sister this love.  It is not your fault nor your sister’s but lies within some unresolved issue(s) with your mom or a mental health disorder.  Please do continue to utilize patience and honor her despite her saying and doing hurtful things.  If she says something strange (like you stole from her) let it pass and recognize it as a possible illness.  Try not to take things she says or does personally as it is not your fault.

Try to keep the peace by not challenging her as it will not be productive.  If she does want things that do not belong to her such as your sister’s 3 bank accounts, you do not have to comply as these are not hers.  As long as your mom is not in need or poverty, you are not obligated to hand over all your assets.  You may want to give a portion, but in your sister’s case, she may need her money for her household.  Again, use good judgment in caving into her demands -you do have rights as well.

Sister, often times parents need help with their own issues before they can be the loving parents that they wish to be. Alhamdulillah your dad has tried to provide a stable home environment despite your mom’s issues and he has encouraged you and congratulated you on your life accomplishments.  Insha’Allah he will be willing to help you and your sister resolve your mom’s problems as they are affecting the whole family.

Families were not meant to live in fear of one another, but to live in peace and harmony.  While no one is perfect sister and we all suffer from problems and issues from time to time whether it is physical health, spiritual or mental,  it is important that one addresses these issues in order to restore health and balance.  If one is unable to do it for themselves, insha’Allah a loving family member may be able to to be successful in getting that person help.

Please do talk with your dad, try to remain respectful to your mom, recognize your mom does love you and that she may be suffering from a mental health issue.  Insha’Allah suggest to your dad counseling.  In the meantime, make duaa to Allah to grant ease, to heal your mom as well as give you insight on how to handle situations in which she is unreasonable or hurtful.  You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are.

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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