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Mom’s Harsh Words Led Daughter to Depression

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 12, 2017

Question

Assalamu alaikum. I've had a few problems with my mother for a long time now. It may be started a long time ago when she found out I was talking to a boy (neighbour), but since then, I haven't done any such thing. It happened nearly 2-3 years ago. Even today, when she gets angry, she says things like she wishes for me to die or that she doesn't like me. This happens every once in a while. It hurts me a lot but I've kind of got used to it. She still doubts me over things like I'm talking to boys and doesn't trust me over things. I think I'm not treated equally as compared to my elder brother and this makes me depressed. I've grown a bit distant from her over time and am very afraid of her. What should I do? Please suggest.

Counselor

Answer


depression

In this counseling answer:

“Your mother, for whatever reason, maybe suffering from her own pain. It is not typical behavior to make the comments you have stated your mother makes towards you. I’m very sorry this is your experience and how you feel. However, these comments sound like a person having a great deal of pain themselves.”


As-Salaam Alaykum

I commend you for recognizing your feelings of depression. These symptoms can be hard to overcome, but you can.

A mother-daughter relationship is a very sensitive one and has to be handled with care. I’m sure it is painful to have these interactions with your mother. I want to bring something to your attention. Your mother, for whatever reason, maybe suffering from her own pain. It is not typical behavior to make the comments you have stated your mother makes towards you. I’m very sorry this is your experience and how you feel. However, these comments sound like a person having a great deal of pain themselves.

Have you heard the statement, “Hurt people hurt people”? It is true. When someone hurts they will easily, and often unintentionally, hurt others. Pain causes a person to lose focus on what is truly important. Now, I’m not making excuses for your mother nor does this mean she’s not accountable or able to change. The goal is to give you insight into what may have caused her to feel and to do the things she does. Then, inshaAllah, you can make dua for her and respond with her with mercy.

While we will not be able to change the behavior of others, you can do a few things for yourself during this time.

1. Despite any negative comments you hear, remind yourself this is not a reflection of who you are. The words of others do not define who you are as a young Muslimah.

2. Read Quran and find comfort in the words of Allah. Also, dhikr to keep your mind clear and focused on good thoughts.

3. Exercise to relieve the stress of these sensitive moments. Do the things you enjoy doing even when you don’t feel like it! it will be important for you to find joy in life so the dark feelings will not consume you. InshaAllah.

4. Honor your feelings. You stated you have become numb. This suggests to me you have become used to this treatment. When you feel pain or sadness, admit it to yourself! If you want to cry, cry! Tears are a wonderful way to cleanse your heart. Allah loves the sincere tears of those who cry out to Him.

5. Keep a journal so you can have a place to put your thoughts and emotions. Keeping them bottled up inside will not be good for you.

6. Create gratitude lists. Write down 10 things you can be grateful for to remind yourself of your blessings despite the dismal interactions you have may.

7. Unplug yourself from noise around you such as the news, the phone, or social media. Create stillness around you and enjoy it. Be present in that moment and only focus on you!

8. The distance you have created with your mother is natural. Not good, but natural. It is normal for you to seek a way to protect yourself from being hurt. I understand this. Now, I recommend you also seek a way to help yourself to heal by using some of the tips in number 1-7

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About Naaila Moumaris-Clay

Naa'ila Clay, the wife of the husband-wife counseling duo "That Clay Couple", holds firm to the belief that Islam, clinical interventions, old-fashioned wit & wisdom will get the relief for your head & your heart in relationships. Mrs. Clay has a slew of training, certifications, created marriage & premarital courses, co-authored 2 e-books and has an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling. You can contact her: www.hasanandnaaila.com or www.facebook.com/thatclaycouple.

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