She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not | About Islam
Home > Ask About Parenting > Young Hearts & Minds > She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

Questioner

K

Reply Date

Apr 20, 2017

Question

As-salamu `alaykum dear brothers and sisters, I am 20 years old and live in Europe. A few month ago I met a Muslim girl at university and started thinking about her. Our relationship started in friendship.I grew up in a religious family and all my life I knew that I would only marry a girl, who is Muslim. So our relationship began to get better and we started to learn about the university at the same places and talk a lot. After this, I knew, that this girl could be the one I am looking for. It was important for me, to know her way of thinking, how she was educated and how important Islam would be in her life. At this time, I used to phone her several times a day, until one day she had the feeling that I would control her and so she started to "ignore me" a little and take distance from me. A lot of time passed and the relationship seemed to get worse. One day she came to me and asked me to meet her at the break in the cafeteria of the university, so I did. We talked about our relationship and she told me, that she wouldn’t think about marriage at the moment and that she wants to concentrate on her study. But she didn’t tell me, that I wouldn’t be the one who doesn’t fit up with her. A friend of her told me after this, that this girl was starting to love me. So I thought, that she was only trying to make herself interesting for me or was trying to give me the message “I am not a girl, that you can easily get”. After this, our relationship got better, but after a few days she started to block me again and tried to ignore me a little bit. I talked to her and asked her to meet after university to talk a little bit. But she didn’t give me the opportunity to do that. I got angry and decided to break the relationship. Some time passed again until a friend of mine met us (without that we knew that the other person would be also there) and we were confronted to talk about the whole issue. The conclusion of our talk was that she told me, that she is concentrated on her study and can't think about marriage at this moment. However everything was fine again and all seemed to become better, but it’s always up and down, one day she is really friendly and kind to me, the other day she ignores me, one time she lets life laughs to me, another time she lets me feel very miserable. I don’t know what to do? Why is she treating me this way? Please advise me. I am in a bad mood and really appreciate your parental advice because you are now my last hope in this situation. To my financial situation, this is no problem, I even could get a flat. My mother knows about it and there are no problems. Even this girl told me once, that her parents have no problem if she marries at this age (she is the same age). Please advice.

Counselor

Answer


Loves

As-salamu`alaykum,

Thank you for your question. It is an important question in regard to how young people at your age navigate the waters of young adulthood, particularly those in universities. Essentially, your question, in my humble opinion, boils down to a matter of intention.

This cat and mouse game being played between this young woman that you are fond of and yourself, and it has, according to your own question, resulted in a lot of confusion, pain, and misunderstanding. We know that Islam teaches us to avoid romantic relationships outside of marriage or prior to marriage and I think from a situation such as yours, it is not too difficult to see why.

It is not so much an issue of what is simply halal or haram. There is a lack of clarity in the area of intention between the two of you. You say you are fond of this woman to the extent that you are prepared to marry her. You have made that clear to her, however, she has given you mixed signals. Islamically, marriage is a straightforward affair.

To make matters easy, Islam teaches us to be straightforward and clear about our intentions toward marriage and the party receiving the offer is supposed to provide a likewise straightforward unambiguous response. Marriage is a very serious affair in Islam and is meant to be conducted in such a manner as to protect the dignity, feelings, and honor of all those involved.

At this point, it is imperative that you determine once and for all what your intentions are. First and foremost, ask Allah for guidance for what is best for you. Then, if you feel in your heart that it is what you want and what is best for you and you make a sincere intention to marry this woman, then approach her or her representative and formally ask her and tell her that you must have a definitive answer one way or another – give her a window of time if she needs it, but don’t allow the issue to drag out.

There can be no in-betweens or ambiguity in her response. She has to decide one way or another as to what she wants. If she declines, then I would suggest that you accept it as Allah’s decree and move on. Trust in what Allah has for you. Despite the strong feelings you have for this woman, Allah knows best as to whether she will be good for you in the end.

You cannot allow her to keep playing games and turning your heart in all kinds of directions. It is not fair to either of you and it will only create a lot of ill feelings in the end and could lead to other disastrous consequences.

In short, my suggestion is to be clear as to what you want, purify your intentions, be definitive in your invitation, request a clear response, accept Allah’s decree as His will and move on with your life. Do not allow this relationship and this situation to create any further turmoil in your young heart. Situations like this can cause much pain and take us away from ourselves, hence, the path of Allah unless we are sincere and up front about what we want and how we act.

This on-again-off-again relationship is not an answer or a solution. There must be a mutual decision on both your parts to either marry or go on with your lives and continue with your studies. However, you both must accept the fact that if marriage cannot occur at this time, that it is not fair for either of you to continue to pursue the other person, for this will only lead to tremendous frustration and heartache later.

In situations like this, I think we can begin to understand the tremendous wisdom of Islam that teaches us to be upfront and honest in matters of marriage. Although Islam often seems restrictive as compared to popular standards in matters of male-female relations, the wisdom of the teachings is an incredible mercy.

Love hurts and Allah knows it. But by following the teachings of the Creator that encourage us to be upfront and wary when dealing with the opposite sex, we are able to protect the most important aspect of our entire being and existence – the heart. Love of another outside of the safeguards and Divine sanction of the marriage relationship can really wreak havoc on our heart.

That is why we must, as much as we possibly can, obey Allah’s guidance in all matters and know without a doubt that there is endless wisdom behind what He has sent to us. The heart  is for Allah and Islam is the means to which we can arrive at a heart pure enough to accommodate the Most Merciful.

Salam

**

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

 




About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah

Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.

find out more!