I Hate My Father | About Islam

I Hate My Father

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 11, 2018

Question

As-Salamu `Alaykum. My problem is that my father has always neglected his responsibilities. My problem is probably not a real problem, but it's eating me, and I need to get it out. I hate my father. He hurt my mother and treated his children badly. He damaged our pride and self-esteem. He limited our academic potential by giving the least necessary. He transgressed against my rights and the rights of my mother and siblings. He wants to us to live a life how he wants to be, we can't have our own opinion. He has never understood us. He has been beating me very badly using belts, cane and hand when I was 13 years of age, and keep hitting till I was 16. He never bought me the things I like, I wanted. I just hate him! Now I am 22 years old still he controls my rights and has always been abusing me. I don't want to be with him. he has been very bad towards my mom he never let her meet any of her relatives, if she tries to go then he would put conditions like go and never come back. Whenever I try to go out with friends he always says take your bag and leave the house, if you want to stay in my house then do as I say or you can take your bag and leave! all this kind of statements do hurts me and my mommy. I don’t know what to do. I would definitely don’t want to be with him anymore, my mom can’t bear also, she has high blood pressure and she can’t take all this shit my father does.

Counselor

Answer


father

In this counseling answer:

“The first ideal step to take that would take all perspectives into account would be to attend family counseling, or at least approach your local imam to intervene and hear all sides to the story and offer appropriate advise accordingly. Having an external person involved will give you the chance to express your own frustrations in a safe environment and receive support and encouragement from someone else.”


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

These certainly are terrible conditions that you are living under and is abusive from many angles. It is both physical and emotional abuse. We are commanded to commanded by Allah to obey our parents and respect them, but they must also respect your rights also as well as your mum’s as his wife. Just because we must obey our parents, it does not mean that you should withstand abuse from them as he must also respect you too in fulfilling his responsibility towards you, even if it is just the bare minimum.

Part of this includes the less material things too, like providing a safe and nurturing environment for you, which clearly is not the case right now.

Having not heard his own side of the story  I cannot judge the situation entirely, but based on what you have described, it sounds like he is a very controlling and angry man and that judgment is left to Allah. Quite often such behaviour is directed to those who are closest to them such as children and spouses as they are easy targets.

In the knowledge that such family members love them unconditionally, they are more likely to put up with such abuses and forgive them in ways that perhaps those who are less close to them would. This way, he is able to express his frustrations and anger and exert his control without the fear of consequences. Whilst this might explain his behaviour, it does not excuse it. It is not acceptable, but there are some steps you can take to try and make things easier for yourself and your family who are suffering as a result of his behaviour.

The first ideal step to take that would take all perspectives into account would be to attend family counseling, or at least approach your local imam to intervene and hear all sides to the story and offer appropriate advise accordingly. Having an external person involved will give you the chance to express your own frustrations in a safe environment and receive support and encouragement from someone else.

It might also make your father feel more ashamed of his unacceptable behaviour as it is discussed in the open. This feeling of shame might discourage him from engaging in it so frequently and encourage him to behave more appropriately in future.

However, I understand that in this situation often the abuser is not willing to attend such counseling or meetings and therefore you might have to come up with alternative solutions. One such option could bet for you and your mother to go and stay with friends and family for a short time.

This way you’re at her will see that you are serious. He will have the chance to spend time alone and without you or your mother around to take his frustrations out on, he will have to develop alternative ways to manage such. Over time, he will be able to develop these skills and perhaps be less inclined to then target you on your return. Taking this option as well will also give you and your mother a safe space for some time.

A chance to be free from the abuse, to relax and be yourself without fear. Furthermore, being with others will provide you with the sense of security that you have been lacking all these years. You will learn how it feels to be supported by others properly. This support alone can be very comforting to your psychological wellbeing. Again, your father may privately develop feelings of shame during this time as he reflects on his behaviour encouraging him to behave more appropriately in future.

During this time, continue to pray for your father; to soften his heart and to guide him on the straight path that you can all rekindle healthy relations once more.

May Allah bring you ease during this difficult time and may you find comfort in His remembrance. Maybe soften the heart of your father and enable healthy relations to develop between you in the future.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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