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How to Stop Arguing with My Kids?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 14, 2019

Question

As-salam alaykum, I need help in dealing with my children. They argue and quarrel with me, turning me mad and start cursing them. How can I stop all of this? I need your advice, please!

Counselor

Answer


How to Stop Arguing with My Kids?

In this counseling answer:

•The first step to take to try and overcome their behavior is to modify your own to be in line with how you expect them to behave. This might seem quite difficult at first.

•Take a break and walk away for a few minutes just to compose yourself and be ready to confront their behavior in a more rational and calm way that won’t result in you become mad and cursing them.

•If you speak to them in a calm tone, then they will speak back to you in a calm tone and you are more likely to come to an agreement.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Unfortunately, this is something that most parents go through at some point and is one of the major challenges that comes with parenting. There are however several things you can do to try and minimize the effect of this.

First of all being a good role model to them. When people make us angry, it often becomes a natural is a tincture to bite back. This usually only makes the situation worse. Adults are able to tell the difference between right and wrong and know how to respond accordingly.

When behaving this way towards children, however, they see you as their role model and will come to see your trespassers to them as what is expected behavior if one feels angry. This will then only lead them to continue with their quarrelsome behavior towards you as you as their parent behave this way towards them and therefore this becomes the only way they come to understand managing the situation.

As a result, the first step to take to try and overcome their behavior is to modify your own to be in line with how you expect them to behave. This might seem quite difficult at first.

Controlling oneself when feeling mad sure is difficult, but remember that they are paying close attention to you and are learning their social skills from you, the belief that as their parent are their role model and will emulate all that you do. If you wish for them to be calm and mild-mannered, then you must behave in this way also.

In line with this, there is no shame in going back to them at some point later when you’ve cooled down and apologized to them for any irrational and harsh words you may have used. Again, this is a means to teach them how to respond in such situations. If they see you apologizing when you are wrong then they too will learn from this and know when to apologize to you if they have done wrong.

If you find that at the moment you are having a hard time controlling your anger, then it is advisable to take a break and walk away for a few minutes just to compose yourself and be ready to confront their behaviour in a more rational and calm way that won’t result in you become mad and cursing them. If you speak to them in a calm tone, then they will speak back to you in a calm tone and you are more likely to come to an agreement.

At the same time, they do also need to be taught respect. If you are able to calm the mood down enough to talk in the moment then you can teach this in the moment by giving everyone a say and allowing each person to have their voice heard. If not, you could encourage everyone to take a calm few moments away from each other to compose themselves and then come back ready to take turns in have g their say.

No one likes to not have their voice heard and therefore simply allowing each person to express their feelings without being interrupted can be enough to prevent arguments. When everyone tried to talk at once no one can express their points clearly and no one’s voice is heard or acted on and things only become more and more heated. If things heat up again, then again, pause the conversation until everyone is quiet and try again.

If things still remain unstable then you can consider reprimand them in the way you see fit, for example, removing privileges for a time to allow them the space to think of their disrespectful behavior and be prepared to talk more calmly and respectfully.

Overall, the key is to try and meet them halfway and be a good role model before taking more firm approaches. Quite often all that is needed is for the parent to calm the situation themselves in order that the children will emulate the behavior and approach the situation more calmly and respectfully.

May Allah give you the patience to deal with your children calmly. May He give you the strength to raise them on HIS path and may He reward your desire to do best for them.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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